The Erotic Mind-Control Story Archive

I was on my back, on the floor. I could hear the fire crackling in the fireplace, and feel warmth radiating from it. For a moment I dreamed I was back with Beth, wished I was back with Beth, but I knew I wasn’t.

I opened my eyes to see Rachel smiling down at me. She leaned down, holding me to her again, holding my head. “Let go, Andy; let go and relax for me. Deeper and deeper for me.”

Why not? I sighed and let myself float.

It was weird. I knew what she was trying to do—she was trying to give me some suggestions. But her wording wasn’t right, and her cadence and inflection not only didn’t follow what she was saying, they conflicted with what she was saying. And, I could hear Beth’s voice telling me I didn’t have to follow anything someone else told me.

Some of her phrases were good—“Relax, and go into deeeep hypnosis for me,” that was nice. But another one, “... the sound of my voice only,” didn’t work at all. I wasn’t going for that. She took me deeper for a while, which was nice, except when she threw in that “my voice only” crap, which jarred me almost totally awake every time she did it. She also tried to give me a trigger to go into trance for her, which I knew I could ignore, thanks to Beth.

She brought me up nicely though, sitting beside me.

I started to get up, and she put her hand on my forehead and said her magic words. I sat up.

“That’s not how it works,” I told her. She looked surprised, then furrowed her brow.

“But I hypnotized you,” she said.

I smiled. “All hypnosis is self-hypnosis. You tell someone something they don’t accept, or don’t want to do, and it doesn’t work. What have you been studying?”

She pouted. I moved closer to her.

“Thank you for using a condom,” I told her softly, and kissed her shoulder.

“So why didn’t it work? Were you just faking the whole time?” she demanded.

I smiled and shook my head. “I was not faking. You took me into a wonderful, deep trance. That was very nice. What have you been studying?”

She shook her head, disappointed. “Some stuff from the net.”

“How many times have you been hypnotized?” I asked her.

She paused, then said, “I’ve used these mp3s...”

I nodded. I took a chance. “Would you like me to help you?”

She gave me a curious look, moving back a bit.

“I promise I won’t do anything other than what I’ve done with Sherry or Donna.”

“So you did hypnotize them!”

“I helped them relax. Would you like me help you relax? I’d love to help you relax, so comfortable, floating in that soft place, and eat you again...”

I could see the conflicts in her. She asked, “Can you do that?”

I nodded, smiling. “You have to ask me.” I knew I had to say that, but why?

“Andy, yes, please... What does it feel like, really?”

I sighed. “It’s wonderful—so peaceful, so calm. You need to ask me.”

“What do I do, Andy? I’m sorry if I hurt you—I was so excited—I wanted to try it, especially after talking to Donna. Sherry wouldn’t tell me a thing, but Donna did. Oh Andy, can you?”

So that’s what happened. I’d never had a chance to be with Donna and close up the holes, as I’d done with Sherry. But that was the good news—what I’d done with Sherry had worked. “Rachel, just lay down and relax. All you have to do is relax.”

“Do you want me to count or anything?” she asked as she moved to the rug in front of the fireplace.

I moved over between her legs. “No. All you have to do is relax. Take a slow, deep breath for me, and as you let it out, relax.”

She moaned a little as I put my hands on her thighs. I started with progressive relaxation, and as I went, Beth’s voice started to take over, adding in a confusion induction. I let Rachel set the pace, following her, leading her.

As part of me spoke to her, my hands caressing her thighs, another part of me wondered if she was faking it. I’d drifted in and out as she held me. Could she be doing the same?

As I thought about that, and what I’d read on testing depth of trance, I also recalled that Beth never used any of those tests with me. As I went into another deepening sequence, I watched her body, already relaxed, sag visibly. Her shoulders, which had been relaxed, dropped a bit more. Her hips seemed to open up, her feet turning out. I smiled. Something told me that was very hard to fake. I repeated that, and anchored it.

I spoke as I lowered myself to her, amplifying sensations, and allowing them to carry her deeper and deeper.

I realized I was in a light trance myself as I went down on her. After she’d shuddered and moaned through I’m not sure how many orgasms, I moved to her head.

Beth’s voice took over again. Beth and I took her up and down a few times, and then spoke to her. Some of what I told her I remembered from dealing with Donna, and Sherry. There was another part though, that I thanked Beth for as I said it. It’s why I insisted that Rachel ask me—I knew if I did a good job with Rachel, she wouldn’t hypnotize anyone again without their consent—just as I wouldn’t.

I took her down again and let her rest, floating, something I loved so much.

I brought her up slowly. She smiled, with a look I knew so well. We kissed.

It was almost one in the afternoon. We put more wood on the fire, and got a bit to eat. Rachel told me more about her conversations with Donna, and with Sherry. She understood better now. She understood how powerful it was. She had been surprised, but now understood, why I didn’t go bragging or talking. She told me she wouldn’t either. Then she gave me a sly smile, and told me she didn’t want to share me any more than she had to, and she could do things for me those cheerleaders couldn’t.

Is that what I wanted to hear? Not another one.... But looking at her, sitting next to me. I needed to be held. I was safe when I was being held.

I held her hand and said softly, “Rachel, take me again, please.”

She looked surprised for a moment, but took my hand and led me to her room. We took in a lit candle. Why does everyone have a nicer room than me? Hers was spacious, almost as big as Donna’s. She had a big, comfortable bed, and soon the two of us were on it. We sat face to face. I ran my hands up her front, to her shoulders, neck, and head. She moaned.

“Rachel, take me and use me, please,” I told her.

She pulled me to her, squeezed me. I let go. She held me and rocked me, speaking softly.

And after a while she brought me up again. We looked at each other.

She smiled and sighed. “I should take you home.”

“I wish I knew where that was,” I told her.

She shook her head. We got dressed again. I held her briefly as she was trying to put on her bra, enjoying a nipple for a moment longer. She held me. I thought it was only briefly; it felt that way. It was about fifteen minutes later when we got up off the bed though.

“Where do you think I could buy candles?” I asked as we were headed out to the car. It was still raining like hell.

She rummaged in the garage and handed me a box of candles. “My dad keeps a ton of this stuff. Might as well use ‘em.”

We kissed before we got in the car. I gave her directions to Karen’s place. We stopped about a block away.

“Andy, I’m sorry if I hurt you,” she told me.

I held her hands. “Rachel, you didn’t. It was great. I hope I helped you.”

“God, Andy—I didn’t know how good it could be. Let me know if you’d like....”

I nodded. “Rachel, it may be sooner than you think, the way things are going.”

We kissed again, and she dropped me in front of the house. I ran to the door in the pouring, blowing rain.

As I ran to the door, as we’d been driving over, I’d wondered how, what I was going to say to Karen.

Those thoughts vanished as I entered the door. It was cold inside, and dark, with one candle lit on the table. The shadows it cast flickered with the drafts as I entered and closed the door behind me. It was a little after three in the afternoon, yet with the storm and the lack of power, everything was dark. In the shadows, I saw Karen, huddled up at one end of the couch.

I dropped my bag and shed my wet jacket. I went over to her. She was hugging her knees to her chest, sitting in one corner of the couch.

“I’m here. Are you okay?” I said softly. She didn’t let go of her legs. I put my arms around her anyway. It took a few minutes before she let go of her legs and let me hold her closer. I pulled her head to my shoulder and wrapped my arms around her.

“How long have you been home?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” was her taut reply.

“It’s okay. I’m holding you now. I’ll keep you warm.”

She held me tighter. I put one hand on her head and held her to me.

Eventually I got her to talk. City College had been a real zoo when power went off. She’d finally made it to Emily’s office, but power was off there as well, and it was deserted. It took quite a long time to get home because of the traffic—streets were blocked by fallen trees and accidents. She’d been sitting here ever since.

I straightened my legs some, and held her. The house used forced-air heating, so that was out. The stove was gas, so we could use that at least. And, I had more candles.

“Let me fix you some tea in the kitchen?” I asked her.

“The stove doesn’t work,” she told me.

“Let me see,” I said softly. I kissed her on the head and got up. I got a candle out of the box Rachel had given me, and lit it from the one on the table.

She had a gas stove, but it had electric ignition. Did the gas come on anyway? I held the candle near the front right burner and turned the knob. Bingo—the gas came on anyway. I swirled the teapot—it was full of water, so I set it on the burner.

I went back in to Karen. “You can light it with a candle or a match, so I’ve got water heating. Where can I find another candleholder?”

I helped her up. Something told me I should be giving her direct questions and suggestions, not those allowing for interpretation or requiring a lot of thought. Keep her going. That’s what worked for me—keep going, doing things.

The hall closet yielded more candleholders. We went back to the kitchen, and I sat her in a chair. I got a teabag and two cups, and rummaged for dinner. Something filling but simple was called for. “How about soup for dinner?” I asked. She sat there.

I went over to her and raised her chin with a hand. “I’m here. I’ll hold you. You need to talk to me, okay? Would you like soup for dinner? We could have pasta and sauce instead?”

She managed a slight smile. “Pasta, please. You make a great sauce.”

Progress. “Okay. Will you brown the meat for me?”

She nodded. I helped her stand. We hugged, softly at first, but then she grabbed me and held me tightly. I held her, and rocked her. “I’m here, and I’m holding you.”

We had our tea, sitting around the kitchen table. I tried calling Beth—the phone rang but nobody answered. Then I thought—she uses a cordless—I bet it’s dead when the power goes out. I got my cell phone and tried calling hers. All I got was a fast busy signal. Things must really be screwed up.

I had an old battery operated radio with a speaker in it. Listening to the news, the storm had dropped power over a large chunk of L.A. Things were crazy and getting worse, with the freeways expected to be extremely bad at rush hour, as opposed to every-day bad. Stay home, stay off the roads, stay off the phone was the advice. No word on the area the outage covered. I turned off the radio.

“We can try going to Beth’s place for the night if you want,” I told Karen. She was browning the meat for the pasta sauce.

“I’d rather not drive in this mess.”

I nodded and put an arm around her as I stirred the chopped onions browning in the saucepan. She seemed to be brightening up.

A good dinner helped. We were both hungry. The hot water heater worked fine—it must be gas as well. We went back to the living room after cleaning up the dishes. We curled up on the couch together and pulled the little comforter over us. She snuggled into my shoulder and sighed.

After some time, she said, “We might as well go to bed.”

Sitting up, sitting close together, I could see a smile on her face.

“Karen, let’s both put on sweats and get into the big bed. I’ll hold you. Okay?”

She nodded, still smiling.

While she was in the bathroom with one candle, I got my flashlight from my room. I also unplugged the computer. I put the flashlight, a candle in its holder, and matches in the big bedroom and turned down the bed. It was going to get cold tonight. I grabbed the radio and moved that in as well.

I heard the bathroom door, and then another door. I did my stuff in the bathroom.

We met in the big bedroom. Karen was sitting on the side of the bed. I turned on the light switch and closed the door.

“Why did you do that?” she asked.

“We’ll know if the power comes on,” I told her. “Which side of the bed do you want?”

I could see her shrug her shoulders in the candlelight.

“It’s an important decision,” I told her. She got in on the side she was on. Fine by me. I went around to the other side and got in. She was at her side of the bed.

“No,” I said as I pulled her over gently, “Move over and snuggle up. We’ll be warmer that way, and I need to hold you. Please.”

She moved over slowly, but held me and soon burrowed her head into my shoulder.

“I’ve got you,” I told her, “I’ll keep you warm.” She gave me an appreciative murmur.

It was cold in the room, but holding her helped. After a while her breathing slowed. She was asleep. I kissed her on the top of the head. I guess I went to sleep as well.

I woke up to dim sunlight entering the room. We were snuggled together like two spoons, with me up against her back, my arms around her. My top arm was around her waist. My bottom arm went over her shoulder; she was holding it in place on a breast.

I kissed her head softly, nuzzling into her hair, and drifting back to sleep again.

I woke to her jiggling some in my embrace. She was clutching my hand to her breast. As I became more aware of things, I realized she was moving her hips and squeezing her knees together quite rhythmically. I took a chance and felt for a nipple—it was hard, and she moaned a little, arching her head back a bit. I slid my other hand down her front; she helped it go inside her sweat pants. She was hot and wet, and encouraged my fingers between her legs.

I wondered what she tasted like as my fingers found her nub. The noises she was making were guttural, animal, needy. I played nipple and nub in harmony, following the lead of her hips, kissing her neck through her hair.

I felt her getting close. Her hair smelled wonderful. I bit her neck. She moaned and shuddered. After a moment she held my hand still on her belly. I slid my other hand beneath her breasts and held her close, listening to her rapid breathing, holding her as her breathing slowed.

I sort of dozed again, holding her. The wind picked up outside, pelting the windows with rain. I leaned and reached back, getting my watch. It was a little before eight in the morning. I grabbed the radio with one hand and turned it on, putting it on the bed. I put my arm back around her waist, and she held it, snuggling in.

The radio announcers sounded so cheery as they described the chaos in the Los Angeles area. Power was still off to a sizeable chunk of the city, mostly along the coast and extending a few miles inland—where we were. They read off a list of school closures. When City College and the high school were mentioned I got my hand loose and turned off the radio. Karen helped my hand back into place.

She rolled to her back; I moved to let her. “Make love with me?” she asked, running one of her hands down the front of my body.

I smiled. “Let me use the bathroom first.” I’d learned. In the bathroom, I also brushed my teeth quickly, and took a mouthful of her mouthwash. When I opened the door, she was standing there. “Good idea,” she told me, brushing me with a hand as she went in.

I got some condoms from the box in my room, then headed back to the big bed. I sat on the edge, waiting for her.

When she came in, her top was off—she tossed it on the bed and then stood in front of me.

“Are you sure?” I asked her, putting my hands on her waist and looking up into her eyes. Her nipples were so close and so inviting.

She nodded. “Andy, I’m sure. Are you?”

I moved closer to a nipple. She held me to it. We both sighed. Her arms were around my shoulders. She moved one hand to the back of my head. She cradled my head, holding me gently. I moaned. She whispered, “Oh, Andy....”

We moved back on the bed. She held me to her. When I tried to get away, she held me a little tighter until my strength faded again. After a while we started kissing, then shedding the remainder of our clothes. I started to go down on her, but she told me, “Not this time, Andy.”

I put on a condom, and we slid together slowly. That first time is so special. We fit together so well. I sat up and pulled her legs up, moistening my thumb and teasing her nub gently. She moaned and thrashed, her eyes closed and her head back, moving from side to side.

I felt her getting close. She grabbed my hand away and said, “Oh God yes!” I moved into her stronger, and felt her legs go around me, holding me between her thighs and calves, moving me to our rhythm. I let go to her. When I reached the edge and started stiffening up, she said, “Oh yes!” and moved me more, taking me over the delicious edge. I eased myself down on top of her and we kissed as our breathing returned to normal.

We rolled apart, but back together again, with me snuggling up to her back and putting my arms around her. She held my arms and pulled the covers over us and we went to sleep again.

We eventually got up. We had bacon and eggs for a late breakfast, then showered, separately. She let me go first. We had plenty of hot water. The storm seemed to be easing up.

There wasn’t much I could do as she showered. The kitchen was pretty much cleaned up. We really didn’t have enough light to do serious reading. We couldn’t even do laundry.

I was in my room when I heard the bathroom door open. I looked to the doorway, and she appeared, toweling off her hair, wearing only a smile.

“What shall we do now?” she asked.

I took her hand and led her to the big bed again. I put her on her back, with her legs over the edge. She gave me a questioning look.

“May I adore you?” I asked. She sighed and let her head back down.

She was delicious. It took her a few minutes to relax into it. The first time I slipped a finger into her she tensed up, so I eased off and brought her to a shuddering orgasm by adoring her nub and holding her. As she got close on the second one, I slipped my finger inside her and hooked it back, teasing and pleasing her from the inside and outside. She tensed up some, but was too far gone, coming quickly and intensely.

I let her rest for a while, then started in again gently, teasing and tasting around the edges. She moaned and said, “Oh, in me, please!”

I kept my head where it was as I got another condom, then with it on, rolled her to her stomach. I slid in from behind. Her bottom was a very sensuous cushion for lovemaking. I held her shoulders, pulling myself into her as she pushed back. I smelled her hair and bit her neck. She moaned and I came, pumping into her. We curled up in bed again, this time I was on my back and she curled up with her head on my shoulder.

We were half asleep in the early afternoon when the bedroom light came on again. It flickered a bit and went out. A few minutes later it came on and stayed on for at least a minute, then went out. After a longer pause, it came on and stayed on.

The forced-air heat came on, warming the house. We unwrapped from our embrace. “Might as well start putting things back together again,” I said. We hugged after getting up. We went around resetting clocks in the house. Turning on a news channel on TV, we learned that power was still off in part of the basin, but in isolated areas. The roads were still a mess.

We decided on baked chicken with garlic, rice, and a salad. I was cutting up tomatoes at about half past five when the phone rang. Karen answered it.

“Hello? ... Oh, hi! ... Our power came on about three. ... No, it wasn’t too bad. Andy got the stove working, so we were able to eat, and we had some candles. ... No, we haven’t heard from her. I went by her office yesterday, but nobody was around. ... Okay, here he is.” She handed me the phone, saying, “It’s Beth.”

I took the phone. “Hi there. How did you make out?”

She laughed softly into the phone. “That’s an interesting choice of phrase. Oh Andy, I was so lonely and cold. I needed you. I need you. It was so dark and cold, and nothing worked, not even my cell phone. I finally curled up in my fur coat to keep warm in front of the fire.”

God, that didn’t help me at all. I wanted to be in her arms, between her legs. But what about Karen?

“You still there?” she asked.

“Yeah, we’re here. It was cold and stormy, but we did okay. I guess we’ll be back at school tomorrow.”

“How are things going at school?”

“I don’t know. It’s too soon to tell. We’ve got finals next week at City. I’m not worried.”

Karen went, “Hrmph,” at that and shook her head.

“Karen has to study a lot though. Both of us will ace French, and I’m not worried about Calculus.”

“That’s good,” Beth told me, “I’ve got one final tomorrow night, and one more next week. Is there anything I can do for you?”

“Yeah, we sure could use some wine. You’ve spoiled me—I expect wine with dinner now.”

“Oh Andy, you’ve spoiled me, and in more ways than one. I hope you need more than wine,” she whispered. That sent shivers down me.

Then she brightened up, “We can get together this weekend. Maybe you can invite me over for dinner one night, depending on your study schedule. Call me Friday evening, though, okay? I need to hear from you more often. I don’t want to be a pain, but I am responsible for you, after all.”

I nodded. “I understand. I’ll call more often. It’s good to hear from you. Bye.”

She hung up, and I hung up on our end.

“Well?” Karen asked.

I put an arm around her waist as she mixed the salad. “She’s got finals as well, one tomorrow. Maybe we can get together over the weekend. I think she’ll get us some wine. What’s your dad’s schedule?”

She shook her head. “I don’t know until a few hours before he shows up. Last I heard, he’ll be flying in Saturday morning to the Orange County airport, and leaving Sunday afternoon. Maybe we could have a big dinner Saturday night and invite Beth?”

I nodded, grinding some pepper into the rice. “She suggested that. It depends on study schedules. How much time do you need?”

She smiled. “You’re right—French doesn’t bother me. History is easy. Sociology and English Lit are a different story though. How about you?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “We’ll do fine in French—we’ve done fine all semester, and gotten better as well. Calculus will be easy. I think I’ve got two tests at the high school, and I’ll do well, even though I don’t give a rat’s ass.”

We had dinner and cleaned up. We actually spent some time studying. I could have gone another hour, but Karen closed her books with a sigh. I looked up to see her smiling at me.

“What is it?” I asked.

She shook her head. “You. You were so good to me. I’ve never experienced anything like that. What can I do for you? Tell me?”

I closed my books. “Karen, I enjoyed it too. I love the sounds you make, and the way you squeeze me between your legs.”

She sighed and reached for my hand. “And what do you want? What do you need?”

“Let’s get ready for bed,” I told her.

We got ready for the morning, then each did our bathroom thing. I’d gotten used to two sinks in the master bath, and having two bathrooms, for that matter.

She was brushing out her hair when I came into the bedroom. She was sitting on the bed naked. I sat next to her as she put the brush on the nightstand. She turned and ran her fingers down my chest to my cock, and whispered, “What do you need, Andy?”

I had to struggle to keep my eyes open. “Karen, hold me to you like you did this morning. The way you held my head was so wonderful. Hold me and squeeze me until you’ve got me dizzy, then roll me to my back and ride me slowly and gently. The most important thing though, is after that, hold me again and let me go to sleep in your arms.”

She smiled and picked up a condom from her nightstand, then turned off the light. She pushed me to my back, and ran her hands over me, teasing me, before she put on the condom. Then she held me to a nipple. She didn’t say a word, she just held me, cradling my head. She didn’t need to say a word. I was gone, floating in her.

She rolled me to my back, and rode me. She leaned forward as I got close, and I was barely able to get a nipple into my mouth before I came, but then she held me again. I don’t think we were rocking, not as much as I felt we were, but I went to sleep rocking in her arms.

The alarm went off. I whacked it and we slid together from lips to toes. Our lovemaking was instinctive and unhindered by intellect. We showered together afterwards, had a bite to eat, and got on the road. The storm had dissipated overnight.

“Shouldn’t we have bright sun, rainbows, and chirping birds?” I asked her, squeezing her leg as we pulled out of the driveway.

Karen sighed and chuckled a little. “Feels like it, doesn’t it? Sorry—still the same fucked-up world.”

I rubbed her leg. “Yeah—welcome to nirvana. Still, I’m kind of glad the storm hit.”

She held my hand. “So am I.”

French was fun—we spent more time on “table French,” talking about the weather, reviewing for the final exam. Our instructor was pretty low key about it. In study hall, Sherry could tell I was doing better, was more relaxed. I don’t know if that made her happy or not.

Betty wanted to know how I’d done during the storm. I told her I did okay. Evidently her little brother freaked out, and got her scared as well.

I felt uneasy going into Physics with the fat fool. Walking down the hall, I was a little surprised when Rachel slid up beside me. I put an arm around her and gave her a hug, hearing her sigh.

Mr. Hall, the fat fool, always went through the same ritual at the beginning of class. I knew what I needed to do. When he intoned, “Any questions?” I held up my hand.

He gave me a not too charitable look, and said, “Mister Wilson?”

I stood up and looked at him. “Mister Hall, the remark I made the other day was uncharitable and uncalled for. I’m sorry.” I sat down. He looked more dumbfounded than usual. He made sort of a grunt, mumbled something I couldn’t hear, then said, “Page 197,” turned to the board, and started talking.

I turned and looked over to Rachel. Maybe she would understand. She gave me a half smile and shook her head. Looking past her, I saw Mrs. Nguyen, head counselor for the school, standing in the back doorway. She smiled to me and nodded, then walked away.

Physics ended and we walked out. Rachel was on one side, and Donna scooted up to the other. “You’re sorry? I like couldn’t believe that!” Donna said.

I shook my head and told them, “I’m sorry he’s a fool. He can’t help it.” Both girls laughed. It was only drizzling when we got to the parking lot. After I dumped my books in Donna’s car, I was surprised by Rachel holding me and giving me quite a kiss, leaning me up against the car. Donna was laughing as I sat down and closed the car door. She waved to Rachel—so did I, and we drove off.

“So you and Rachel had a good time on Tuesday?” she asked.

“She didn’t tell you?” I responded.

Donna shook her head and laughed a little, “Nope, your girls don’t kiss and tell. All she did was smile when I asked her.”

“But you must have told her quite a bit,” I suggested.

She sighed. She looked kind of far away for a moment. “I’m not sure....” Then a look of lust reappeared on her face. “I know I told her how dreamy you get when you suck on me and I hold you, and how good it feels.”

“And how dreamy you get?”

She smiled, and I could see the lines in her forehead smoothing out. “Oh, I just want to be in bed with you, holding you to me!”

We pulled into the parking lot and she was all over me. I didn’t mind one damn bit.

I made it out of the car, and started to class. I saw Karen standing in a doorway, out of the light rain. I walked up to her. As I got closer, I saw the frown she had on her face.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

She shook her head. “I’m not sure what I think of that anymore.”

I sighed and nodded. “Okay. I think I understand. Help me through this?”

She frowned again. “Andy, that won’t work with me, not now, not anymore.”

“What won’t work?”

“That innocent routine.”

I took her hand and pulled us to a bench.

“Karen, it’s not a routine—please believe me.” I sighed and shook my head. “Karen, I don’t know what I’ve gotten into. A few months ago, I was a nerdy kid in a very, very thick shell. Now that shell has been shattered and I don’t know who the hell I am. Karen, please—the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone, especially you. Tell me—help me, please.”

She looked at me. “I don’t know, Andy.”

“Karen, this isn’t some ruse, some routine. I don’t know how to do that.”

She stood up. “We’re going to be late for class. I’ll see you later.” She walked off.

I was on autopilot during Math. What the hell had happened? What had I done?

We drove home in silence. It was my turn to cook. I started a quick casserole, then pulled Karen to the kitchen table with me.

“What is it? Karen, please tell me.”

She shook her head. “Oh Andy, I don’t know. Maybe she’s right.”

“Who’s right? About what?”

She shook her head again. “Andy, I want to believe you.”

I took one of her hands in mine. “Karen, don’t believe me. Don’t believe anybody. Figure it out for yourself. Okay? I’d like you to tell me about it. I’d like you to tell me, especially if you think I’m doing something wrong, something that hurts you, or others, or me.”

She nodded. “Andy, it’s hard. I’m not sure. Maybe we moved too fast.”

“Who’s saying that? Are you? That doesn’t sound like you.”

She nodded. “You’re right.” Suddenly she was filled with determination again. “It was my choice, and I’m glad I made it.”

I nodded. I didn’t want to say anything—I didn’t know what to say.

“It’s Emily,” she said after a moment of silence, “She’s casting doubt on things.”

I nodded again. “Is she casting doubt, or asking you to question and look harder, deeper?”

She smiled and shook her head. “Oh, she’s casting doubt. I can see that now. It’s as though...”

“What?”

She looked lost again. “I don’t know, Andy. I guess I’m the same as you—trying to regain my balance after cracking out of a shell, a shell I didn’t even know I was wearing.”

We ate dinner more or less in silence, and cleaned up equally quietly.

We studied for an hour or so. We looked at each other and sighed, closing our books. I took her hands and moved us to sitting on the couch.

“Karen,” I asked, “Should I talk to Betty tomorrow and see if I can move in with them?”

She frowned. “So you can go back to those cheerleaders?”

That hit me hard, as hard as a kick from my dad. I slid off the couch and on to my knees as tears filled my eyes. “No, Karen,” I told her, “because I don’t want to hurt you. If I’m causing you grief, I’ll leave. Do you want me to leave?”

She sighed. I could see the tears filling her eyes. “No, Andy. Oh, sometimes I wish none of this had happened.”

I squeezed her hands. “NO! Karen, it’s happened, and that’s that. Karen, some times I wish I could go back to the way I was months ago, living inside that tight shell, insulated and protected from all of these feelings. What if I’d put on headphones that night, and not stopped my dad from beating the crap out of my mom one more time? Well I can’t go back—I can’t change that, as much as I might want to.”

I took a breath. “And you know what? If I try and pull back into that shell, and believe me I’ve tried in the last week or so, it doesn’t work. I’ve grown too much—I don’t fit in that shell any more. It doesn’t protect me; it isolates me. It may keep some of the bad feelings out, but it also keeps out the good feelings, and prevents me from expressing what I feel. Yes, part of me wants to run away from all of this—get as far away as I can. But another part realizes that’s not possible. I need to hold someone, and I need to be held. I need to let the feelings out. Holding in feelings is what gets people screwed up. What do you need?”

She nodded her head, taking a ragged breath. “You’re right. I ran from this shit for too long. Will you hold me, Andy? Please?”

I nodded and got back up on the couch with her. She curled up with me, resting her head on my shoulder. I held her and rocked her gently.

“Oh, Karen,” I said softly, “holding and being held is so important.”

She agreed with a soft murmur, nestling in and putting a hand around my waist.

“And you know what?” I told her, “You’ve brought out so many new things in me. When I hold you like this I want to protect you, comfort you, keep you safe. I’ve never felt that way before. It’s a new feeling, and a strong one. Oh, Karen—I want to keep you safe, protect you, but I don’t know how to protect you from me. I don’t want to hurt you.”

She held me tighter. I could hear and feel her crying. I held her and rocked her, not saying a word. I envisioned her tears melting the shell that surrounded me, melting it away. Her tears burned as they touched me, exposing so many feelings. I held her, breathed with her, letting her warmth and her tears fill the empty, hungry spaces within me.

As I held her, I thought. Where now? I needed to talk to Beth. Was I avoiding her? Was she avoiding me? Was Emily wedging in between us, leading us to what she thought was right? Who could I trust? I could trust Donna and Sherry to use me as a toy. Rachel? Not sure any more. Karen? I want to do what’s right for her. I don’t know what that is. Does she?

My right arm had gone all pins-and-needles. I kissed her head once again. She’d settled down—I think she was asleep. I held her for a while longer, then snuck a look at my watch.

“Wake up, sleepy head,” I said softly, hugging her and rocking a bit more. “It’s almost nine thirty. It’s....” I almost said, “time for bed,” but I didn’t know what that meant tonight.

She stirred in my arms. She looked up at me and smiled, then closed her eyes and burrowed back down again. I held her and rocked her, letting the warm feeling fill me.

She stirred and I let her sit up. We stood and hugged briefly, then got our school stuff ready for the next morning.

I let her use the bathroom first. When I finished in the bathroom and came out, I expected the door to her room to be closed. Instead, she was standing in the hallway, looking lost, and if she’d been crying. I touched her cheek.

“What?” I asked.

She took my hand. “Andy? Will you hold me? Just hold me?”

I nodded. We were both wearing T-shirts and underwear. We got into the big bed, and she snuggled up, a little tentative. I held her. After a while, she moved to roll over. I put a hand on her shoulder. “Thank you for letting me hold you. I’m here if you need me.”

I rolled over and went to sleep.

“Hold me again, please?” It was still dark. I didn’t know what time it was. We snuggled up like two spoons again. I put a hand around her waist and she held it tight, snuggling into me. I kissed the back of her head. I felt myself growing hard—her bottom felt so nice. I started to pull my hips back a bit, but she put a hand on me and said, “That’s okay. Hold me.” She snuggled up closer, and held my arm around her waist tighter. That’s how I went to sleep again.

I whacked the alarm when it went off, and she curled up beside me, her head on my shoulder.

“Andy,” she asked, “what do you need?”

I shook my head a little. “I don’t know. Being held is nice. I need to be held.”

“How do you want to be held, Andy?”

I sighed.

“How do they hold you, Andy?” she asked, moving a hand over my chest.

“I’m just a toy to them,” I told her.

“Do you like being their toy?” she asked.

I sighed at that. “It’s shallow, but very nice,” I admitted.

“What do they do for you?”

“Very little, in one sense,” I admitted.

“What do you do for them?”

“Please them.”

“Like you did with me?”

“Oh, Karen—what we did was so much more—I hope, I pray. Karen, you are so much more than they are. We’ve shared so much; we’ve talked about so much. I hope we’ve helped each other. I think we’ve helped each other.”

“Andy, would you go down on me again, now?”

I started kissing my way down her body. Just below her breasts, she held my head to her.

“Oh, Andy, you’d do anything I asked, wouldn’t you?”

I wrapped my arms around her waist. “Of course,” I told her. Skin against skin feels so good.

“How about with them?”

“No, that’s not the way it works.”

She pulled me back up to her breasts, pulling up her nightshirt. “I know how to hold you.” She led me to a nipple and held me there, held me so well. I moaned and let go to her.

We had to rush when we got up, grabbing a quick bite and heading off to school.

“Are you seeing her today?” Karen asked on the way.

“Emily? Not sure. Normally I would, but who knows, the last few days.”

We went to our last French class for the period. Our test was on Tuesday, and class wouldn’t start again until early January. The class ended a little early. The instructor asked Karen, another student, and me to stick around.

The four of us spoke in French for a few minutes. He wanted to know how I was doing, and how I was feeling. I had to smile—some of the reading I’d been doing let me express some existential concepts with relative ease. He asked the others questions as well. Karen told him she was growing, but it hurt to grow some times. He nodded.

He smiled to the three of us, and told us we didn’t have to take the test if we didn’t want to. If we took it, we’d get A’s in the class. If we didn’t take it, we’d get A’s in the class. He handed us sheets with suggested reading, and wished us happy holidays.

We thanked him, and left the classroom. We hugged in the hallway.

“Merry Christmas!” I told Karen. She laughed. “Andy, I couldn’t have done it without you.” We had a brief kiss. We weren’t where we’d been a few days ago, but it was better.

“I’ll see you at the house. Call me if you get stuck here and need a ride.”

I gave her a hug, and headed off to find David.

What mixed feelings I had, riding to that damn school. I was off the hook in French—we both were. But now I was back to the other place. My stomach didn’t like that one bit.

Heading in to study hall, I’d barely had a chance to sit down, looking at Sherry, and resisting the urge to give her a quick kiss, when Mrs. Nguyen walked up.

“Andy, can we talk for a while?” she asked.

I nodded and picked up my books. “See you later. Review those last two sections,” I told Sherry, and patted her on the back. She moaned, but smiled to me.

I walked with our head counselor back to the administrative offices.

“You’ve made a big turnaround in that girl’s study habits, grades, and more, from what I hear,” she told me as we walked.

“Sherry is bright—she just needed someone to work with her at her level, to get her started.”

We went into her office. Another woman was there. She stood up as Mrs. Nguyen introduced her.

“Andy, this is Mrs. Guerrero, a psychologist from the district offices. We’d like to talk to you about how you’re doing.”

I sighed and put my books on the table. I took out the sheet Carl had given me.

“I won’t do that until I’ve talked to my attorney,” I told them, pushing the page across the table.

“Andrew,” Mrs. Guerrero said, “We’re here in your best interest.”

I smiled and shook my head. “That’s the same phrase my dad’s attorney used in court—just before my dad attacked me. May I use the phone to call Carl?”

The two women exchanged glances. “Don’t you trust us, Andy?” Mrs. Nguyen asked.

That was too easy to answer. “No. I’ve learned all too painfully what comes from blind trust. Don’t get me wrong—I’d like to trust you, but that trust has to be built. So which is it? Do I call Carl, or do I go back to helping Sherry in study hall?”

Mrs. Nguyen waved to her phone. “Please call him, Andy.”

“Thank you. I appreciate it.” I called his office, and they got him on the line.

“Carl, this is Andy. I’m at school with Mrs. Nguyen, and a psychologist from the district office, Mrs. Guerrero. They want to talk. What do I do?”

He wanted to know what they wanted to talk about—I didn’t have a clue. He spoke to Mrs. Nguyen for a bit. From what I could gather, they wanted to see how I was doing, and how I felt about things. She told Carl her phone was also a speakerphone, then handed the phone back to me.

“Andy,” Carl said, “I don’t see any problem right off. You did the right thing calling me. I’ll listen in on the speakerphone. When they ask you a question, take a breath or two before you answer to give me a chance to object if need be. Got it?”

“Okay, Carl. I wanted to check with you first.”

We pulled the phone to the middle of the table. Mrs. Nguyen pushed some buttons.

“Can you still hear me?” Carl’s voice said from the phone speaker.

“Yup, loud and clear. How about us?” I asked.

He could hear us fine. He had people introduce themselves.

The shrink, Mrs. Guerrero, started. “Andrew, why were you hesitant to speak with us?”

I paused for a moment before answering. “Those were Carl’s instructions. I trust him.”

“And you don’t trust us?”

“You haven’t given me any reason to.”

“Do you feel you need a reason to trust people?”

I nodded. “Recent experience has taught me that I need to be careful about who I trust.”

“Everyone?”

“No, but I’ve had very bad experiences recently involving people who purport to be interested in what’s best for me.”

She nodded—I think she knew where I placed her.

“Andrew,” she asked, “How do you feel about things?”

I almost laughed. “That’s a very open-ended question.”

“Yes,” she added. Thank you Emily, I recognize the approach now. But do I trust Emily any more?

“How do I feel about what? Life? School? Home? What?”

She smiled a little, an Emily smile, a professional smile. “All of those.”

I took a breath. “Let’s see.... Where to start.... A few months ago, I was living in a place I called home. I knew things were ugly between my parents. I knew they were heading for a divorce. Aunt Beth called the place ‘Beirut’ once. That fit really well—going there a lot of the time was like going into a war zone. Definitely not a sanctuary, or even neutral ground, but still a place I called home.”

I got Emily nods from both of them.

“Then in one evening, both family and home were destroyed. My mom and I were very lucky we had Aunt Beth nearby. She took us in. My mom has left the area, and my dad is in jail. Aunt Beth is my guardian, and cares about me. She provided a more stable environment than I’d had in years. She challenged me, gave me responsibility, gave me freedom, yet set limits. She has helped so much. In the midst of it all, I was finding a new balance.”

I slapped my hand down on the table hard and fast, startling both of them, and myself as well.

“Then a fool destroyed that. And you want to know about school? Before that happened, this place was either a sanctuary or at least neutral ground. Now it’s Beirut—hostile ground, and my stomach tightens up every time I set foot on it, wondering what else can be taken from me. My parents and home are gone. I’m not living with Aunt Beth—an arsonist couldn’t have done more damage, to both of us. And this place is a hostile environment, yet it’s the last vestige of stability for me.”

Carl cleared his voice over the phone. I sat back. The shrink nodded. I think Mrs. Nguyen was a little pale.

“Who is hostile to you?” the shrink asked. “Students? Teachers?”

I shook my head. “I’ve found great support from classmates, and their families. I admire the dedication, the commitment, of some of the teachers here. Mr. Ellis has been a great help—I’m sorry if I caused him grief at the beginning of the year. So, I guess that leaves the administration. I thought I was at least valued by them as another butt-hour of revenue.”

They cringed at that last phrase. Thank you, Betty.

The shrink nodded again. “That seems to be somewhat of an exaggeration,” she said.

I couldn’t believe that. No, she just said it. “The day after Thanksgiving we get a letter signed by our illustrious principal, stating very clearly that since I was no longer residing in the district, I had to immediately transfer to another school. We ....”

The shrink was frowning.

“Have you ever seen the letter?” I asked her, digging in my bag. I slid a copy over in front of her. She read it over, then glanced at Mrs. Nguyen, and then back at me.

“And what’s especially galling about this,” I continued, “is that residence waivers are evidently requested and granted as a matter of course by the district. Oh, I don’t think I qualify—I’m not a jock.”

The shrink had a more pensive look on her face. She took a breath. “Have you requested a waiver?” she asked.

Carl spoke up. “Yes, we did with the district, with Mr. Jackson present, and were told by district officials it was up to the individual school to make the request.”

She continued, nodding again, “And has the school made that request?”

Mrs. Nguyen smiled. “One of our teachers made a request for a waiver—it’s been in Mr. Jackson’s hands since Monday.”

This was a surprise to me. Must have been Mr. Ellis, although it could have been Mrs. Murray. From the way the shrink looked, this was also a surprise to her.

She turned to Mrs. Nguyen and asked, “Are you sure he’s seen it? He didn’t mention it when I spoke with him yesterday afternoon.”

Mrs. Nguyen smiled and reached for a folder on her desk. “I handed it to him personally, Monday afternoon. I watched him read it. I also happen to have an extra copy of it.” She handed the shrink a piece of paper, then after looking at me, slid one across the table to me. It was signed by Coach Haskell, our basketball coach. What a surprise.

The shrink shook her head. “Andrew, what do you want to happen?”

I nodded. “I don’t want retribution—I’m not interested in that. I want to live with Aunt Beth, and complete the school year here without fear of reprisals. That’s what’s so weird about this whole thing. I’ll be gone in a few months. The whole thing seems to be an avoidable yet deliberate exercise in inflicting pain on people.”

Mrs. Nguyen was nodding and smiling. The shrink was nodding as well, and this time I felt she agreed with me.

She asked, “You’re concerned about the possibility of reprisals if you stay?”

I nodded, smiling. “I will stay. I will graduate from here. It’s just a matter of how much collateral damage I accumulate during the process. And given what’s happened, I’d be a fool not to be concerned about reprisals, don’t you agree?”

Mrs. Nguyen smiled and said, “I think your concern is quite realistic and reasonable.”

That got quite the raised eyebrows from the shrink. She looked at the phone sitting on the table, then back at Mrs. Nguyen. Mrs. Nguyen smiled. Hope you’re taking good notes, Carl; that sounded like a good one.

Mrs. Guerrero nodded once more. “Andrew, how is this affecting you now?”

I shook my head. “I feel as if someone stuck a knife in me, and is twisting the blade. The combination of uncertainty, forced separation, and hostility is very difficult to deal with, to say the least. And, as you might be aware, we’ve got the end of the semester here, and at City College.”

She nodded again—just like one of those ceramic animals with the bobbing heads.

I sat back a bit. “Are you familiar with Maslow’s hierarchy of needs?” I asked. Both of them nodded. “Well, think of it as a ladder—climbing up, looking up, different parts of you on different rungs. Well, someone,” I pointed down the hall, “has knocked the ladder flat out from under me. I’m flat on my back, down as low as you can go.”

The shrink had a curious look on her face. “That’s an interesting way of looking at things. Did you read that somewhere?”

I frowned. “No, I wrote that somewhere. If someone else wrote about it, I’d like to see it.”

She smiled a little. “Do you know Doctor Emily Carmichael?”

I shook my head—she’d really done her homework on this one, like not at all.

“Yes, I see Doctor Carmichael periodically. She’s been quite a help.”

“So you wrote the essay on Maslow’s ladder?”

“Yes, with prodding from Emily, and help from Aunt Beth, and Mrs. Murray here at school. Where did you see it?”

She smiled. “Doctor Carmichael hasn’t told you?”

I shook my head.

She sighed. “Well, it has been a rather chaotic week.” She started gathering up her materials. “Andrew, it’s been a pleasure to meet you, and to talk with you. I’m sorry it wasn’t under more positive circumstances.” She held out her hand to me. I shook it. I glanced at the clock—I had about ten minutes left of study hall.

“Carl?” I called out, “I guess that’s about all, then.”

The shrink said, “Counsel, I’d like to speak with you for a few minutes, if you have the time.”

Carl said, “Certainly, especially if we can bring this to a speedy resolution.”

Mrs. Nguyen stood up, shook my hand, and took me to the door. In the hallway, with the door closed behind her, she whispered, “Andy, thanks so much. We may get the bastard yet.”

I smiled, nodded, and headed back to study hall.

I bent over Sherry and gave her a kiss on the cheek. She looked up in surprise—she’d actually been studying! I sat down. She smiled and grabbed my hands.

“What happened?” she whispered.

I shrugged my shoulders. “Talking with folks. We’ll see. It might be good news.”

She sighed, looking at me. “Oh Andy, I hope so. You need some good news.”

I nodded to that.

At lunch I tracked down Coach Haskell. He gave me a grim smile as I approached.

I held out my hand. “Coach, thank you. That was quite an unexpected surprise.”

He shook my hand, but also shook his head. “You didn’t hear what happened?”

“No, what?” I asked.

He tilted his head toward the administration building. “He called me in, tore the request in half in front of me, dropped the pieces in his wastebasket, and told me not to make trouble if I wanted to stay at the school.”

“Holy shit,” I said. I gave him a quick outline of the morning’s meeting, including telling him about Mrs. Nguyen delivering his request, and that she’d given a copy of it to the district shrink. He smiled at that.

“What happens now, Coach?” I asked him.

He smiled. “Andy, don’t worry. He’ll have another request on his desk this afternoon. You’re staying here. All he’s doing is digging himself in deeper.”

I shook my head. “Coach, I don’t want other people getting hurt. Too damn many people have been hurt already.”

“Thanks, Andy, but this isn’t your battle. Don’t worry about me. I don’t think either of us will be leaving here soon. I’m staying and so are you.”

I was sort of dazed that afternoon. In Physics, Rachel wanted to know if I would be available over the weekend. I told her I didn’t know. Donna gave me some hot looks. The fat fool was on his own planet again.

Walking to the parking lot, both Donna and Rachel asked, “What’s happening? What happened this morning? What did Coach Haskell have to say?”

My, but word travels fast around here. “Wheels within wheels,” I told them. “Things are happening, but I’m not sure what. We’ll know better in a few days.”

They tried a little more, but soon gave up. When they did, Donna giving a loud sigh, I chuckled a little and hugged them both. As I got into Donna’s car, Rachel pushed herself up against me and said, “Andy, I’m here.”

“Thanks, Rachel,” I told her, and got in.

When we pulled into the City parking lot, I held Donna’s hand. “Donna, what would Greg think about us kissing? Is that fair to him?”

She sighed. “No, it isn’t. But still....”

I unbuckled the seat belt and started moving out of the car. “Think about it, Donna. Thanks for being such a good friend. I’ll see you Monday.”

I’m not sure how I felt when I saw Karen standing fifteen feet away or so.

“How are you doing?” I asked her.

She managed a half-smile. “Pretty good. French was good news. How about you?”

I shook my head. “Weird things at school. Good news, I think, but it’s not going to be fun getting there. See you at the house later?”

She nodded, and gave me a hug. I looked at her as we moved apart, expectantly, I guess. What was I feeling? Loss? She held me again, and we kissed. “See you later, Andy,” she said, and walked off. Her head went down a little as she walked.

Calculus was a review session. I didn’t have any questions—I’d pretty much gone through the whole book already, including the material we’d cover next semester. It was fun.

The final was Tuesday. The class ended early, and the instructor practically told me I could bring in crayons and draw pictures on the test and still get an “A” in the class. I told him I’d do my best, and thanked him for his dedication.

That left me walking out to the parking lot. What now? I saw Carl waving—there was my answer. I got into his car and we headed off.

I briefed him on my conversation with Coach Haskell. He nodded grimly. He told me he’d spoken with Nguyen and Guerrero, letting them know this was dragging on far too long. He told them he had affidavits from both Doctor Carmichael and another well-known psychiatrist talking about the damage this action and the continuing uncertainty was causing me.

We drove to Emily’s office. We spent most of the time rehashing the morning meeting, and later conversations. When I remarked that I’d actually seen Guerrero’s facial expression change at something I said, Emily laughed.

As we wound down, I asked her about the essay, and Guerrero’s comments.

Emily smiled and sat back a bit. “Andrew, I entered your essay in a competition. What Mrs. Guerrero was referring to, that we learned Tuesday, was that you’ve won at the state level, which has a $5000 scholarship associated with it. A number of us also feel you stand a very good chance in the national competition. Some colleagues at Stanford were also very impressed, and are working at their end on scholarships. While nothing is certain just yet, I think things look very good.”

I sat back as well—finally some light at the end of the tunnel.

Carl nodded and smiled. “And with any luck, we’ll get this mess resolved by the end of the month.”

I sighed and shook my head. That was so short, and so long. Oh well, one day at a time.

“Okay, who’s hauling me back to the house?” I asked.

Carl stood up. “I’ll do the honors.”

“Andrew,” Emily said, “I’m out all next week at a convention, so we won’t be talking until the week following. If you need anything in an emergency, I have another doctor filling in for me. Here’s his number. He doesn’t know anything about you, or your case, other than that you’re a client, and I value you highly. You might want to call him next week in any event—he’s a Stanford grad.” She handed me a card. I nodded, and put it into my pocket.

As we drove, I said, “Carl, the end of the month is so damn long, yet so damn short.”

“I know, Andy. You’re holding up really well under this. Keep at it, and we’ll prevail.”

“But at what cost, Carl? At what cost?” I asked softly. He didn’t answer.

He dropped me off, and I went inside. I smelled dinner cooking. I put my stuff down and walked into the kitchen. Karen was stirring stuff at the stove. I noticed an open wine bottle on the counter, a half-full glass, and an empty one.

“Ooh, the wine fairy dropped by?” I said. I wanted to hug her and squeeze her, but was uncertain—where were we?

She turned and smiled. “Three whites and three reds were in a bag on the porch when I got home. Let me pour you a glass. Did you see Emily? What’s going on? How are you?”

I got a glass, and waited until we could both sit down. I filled her in on the meeting at school, Coach Haskell, and Carl’s comments. I told her Emily was going to be gone next week.

“She told me that, and gave me another guy’s card,” Karen said.

I nodded. “Same with me. Remember that essay I told you about?”

She nodded.

“Emily entered it into a competition. I’ve won a $5000 scholarship.”

The look on her face was bittersweet. I felt it, too. I held her hand.

“I’m so happy for you,” she said after a moment.

“Then why does it make us both so sad?” I asked her.

She nodded. We scooted the kitchen chairs closer together and hugged each other.

“Karen, I’m so sorry this is so screwed up. We deserve better.”

“Andy, it’s all right. I am glad you’re getting a scholarship.”

“Hear anything from your dad?” I decided to change the subject.

She held me a little tighter. “As a matter of fact, yes. He left me a message. He isn’t coming down this weekend. He’ll be here next Friday. Andy, something’s going on, the way he sounded.”

“Sad? Troubled?” I asked.

She laughed a little and sat back, smiling some, wiping an eye at the same time. “No, really happy. Happier than I’ve heard him in quite a while. It’s good to hear him happy.”

I held her again. “So how can we get some happiness and good news to rub off on you?”

She nodded and smiled. “I’m not sure.” She sighed again, a big sigh, with her gaze far away. “I need to study with some friends this weekend for Lit and Sociology. Thank God we got out of French.”

I nodded. “Okay, you want to study here? I can stay out of the way and feed people.”

“Would you like to spend the weekend with Beth?” she asked.

That let the air out of me. “Karen, not until things are settled. Going back and forth hurts us all too much.”

She nodded. “Okay. I talked to her this afternoon and thanked her for the wine. She’s coming to dinner tomorrow. Can you fix something for us? We can go to the store tonight. There was an envelope with some cash in with the wine.”

“Sure. What’s your schedule tomorrow?”

“I’m over at Susan’s house ten to one or so, and then with Bev until five. We may do the same on Sunday.”

“That’s fine. I have reading to do—I’ve got some tests as well next week.”

She laughed. “I know.”

We had a nice dinner. We talked about menus. She likes the pasta dishes I do. I suggested lasagna. We were cleaning up and getting ready to go to the store when the phone rang. Karen answered it, spoke a bit, then said, “It’s for you,” handing me the phone.

“Andy?” It was Rachel.

“Hi, Rachel. What’s up?”

“Are you busy tomorrow or Sunday? I want you.”

I smiled. “I need to study this weekend. Is that okay?”

“Oh, you make me feel so good. I need to study with you too.”

“Maybe one afternoon next week? How about Monday or Wednesday?”

“I don’t know if I’ll live that long.” She sighed. “Okay, I’ll see you Monday. Andy, I’m here.”

“Thanks, Rachel. I appreciate it. See you Monday.” I hung up the phone.

Karen smiled and stepped over to me, putting her arms around me.

We got groceries and came home. She’d done laundry earlier in the day, cleaning the sheets on the big bed. We went to bed wearing T-shirts and underwear, holding each other close.

We woke to the alarm. I turned it off and moved to hold her. She was already getting out of bed.

“Don’t get up—I need to shower and get going,” she said.

I waited until I heard the bathroom door close, then got up and fixed a light breakfast for us. She smiled when she saw it, and hugged me. She told me she’d see me about six, gave me one more hug and a longer kiss, then took off.

It was a strange day. I knew all I had to do was pick up the phone, and Donna or Rachel would be over for me. Is that what I wanted? Whom I wanted? Beth was coming over. How did I feel about her? Parts of me wanted her very, very much.

I studied. I cooked. I put together a good meal. I puttered around the place, cleaning. Something struck me as I did, but I couldn’t quite place it. I heard a car pull up a little after four, and the doorbell ring.

I opened it, to Beth standing on the porch wearing her fur coat. I almost broke into tears.

We managed to get the door closed. She held me and I held her, crying. We moved to the couch and she was partially on top of me, holding me. She started talking to me, cradling my head, and I let go.

We talked for quite a while. Some parts were hard. Then she took me deep, and let me rest, floating in her embrace, surrounded by her soft warm skin, the coat, her perfume.

When I opened my eyes, she was sitting next to me, adjusting her top. I guess I’d done more than dream I was sucking on her.

“God, I miss you,” I said, sitting up.

She smiled. “So do I. Better?”

I shook my head. “I don’t know. Things are still so confused.”

She stood up, picking up the coat. I moved over and hugged her and the coat, burying my head in it. She held me and rocked me for a bit.

“Oh, Andy, was that a low blow wearing this?” she asked me.

“Not at all. I need you.”

She smiled. “And I need you, Andy. Did Karen tell you about my offer, for you to spend the weekend?”

I nodded. “Yes, she did. And I told her moving back and forth was too painful on all of us. Beth, I want this resolved, one way or the other.”

She sighed. “Andy, so do I. I’ll be right back—I’m going to put this in the car.” Then she gave me an interesting smile. “Unless you’d like me to forget it and leave it for a while?”

I sighed. “Don’t do that, please. Beth, I want to be with you so much, be lost in you.”

She smiled, then said, “Good—I need to hold you as well. Be right back.”

Beth returned and helped me set the table. We talked about the week, especially about what happened at school. She agreed our principal was a piece of work, and was probably digging himself into a very deep hole. We both wondered who he’d take with him, though.

She asked me if I’d heard about the essay competition. I told her I’d heard about the $5000 part, good chances on nationals, and possibly help from Stanford. I also told her that was a sore point with Karen, and I wished there was some way I could help her. Beth nodded and said she’d been working on that as well, and thought we’d both be able to move on next year.

I told her I needed to do something about learning to drive—I was feeling quite the burden on people. She laughed and told me Christmas was coming. I sighed and frowned.

“What’s wrong, Andy?” she asked.

“You know how much we celebrated Christmas—minimally at best, never having a Christmas tree, a few gifts. Now I have some people I feel special about. I don’t know what to do, even if I did have money.”

She held me again. I wanted her nipples again, wanted to be lost in her again.

“Andy, don’t worry about that now. Focus on surviving.”

Karen got back a little before six. She looked tired. She brightened up around Beth, though. We had a good dinner, with conversation on safe subjects. We ventured into talking about the storm a little, and Karen said she wouldn’t have made it without me holding her.

Beth left a little before nine, after helping us clean up.

“Same schedule tomorrow?” I asked Karen.

She nodded. “Maybe a bit later? Could I bring people over here for dinner? Could you feed five of us?”

I laughed. “I’d love to. No problem.”

We hugged. “I knew I could count on you. I need to be held.”

We went to bed and held each other. That’s all. She got up in the middle of the night, and needed to be held when she got back to bed. We slept a bit later, holding each other, and I fixed breakfast for us as she showered. We hugged and she went off to study.

I did more cleaning around the house, and laundry. In the process, I stumbled on the signs that she was going through her period. That’s what had struck me a day or so earlier—the different odor in the bathroom. I sighed and smiled—this would be a good test of my supportive, nurturing, and protective nature.

I wasn’t sure what to expect as far as appetites went. It was cold out, but not raining, so I took my bike to the local store for more groceries. It felt good to get back into a warm house.

The gang showed up a little after five, Karen, two other girls, and a guy. She introduced me as her roommate, and gave me a hug. We didn’t have to worry about leftovers. We had the kitchen cleaned up by around eight thirty. We sat on the couch and hugged, talking a little. She felt better about her exams—studying had helped.

We got ready for bed. She’d take me directly to the high school in the morning, then go study at City in the library. I’d get a ride home from school.

In the bedroom, she was sitting on the edge of the bed. She was on the edge in more ways than one, I could tell. Beth had been teaching me to massage her. I moved behind Karen and started gently on her back and shoulders. She sighed, “Oh Andy...” I told her, “Shhh—it’s okay. Relax and enjoy it. You’re wound up.”

I did her shoulders and back, then with her on her back moved down and did her feet. She relaxed, and I tucked her in and held her close.