WANTED...’FEMALE’
Chapter 6
“But ‘why’ are you resigning? Are you ‘crazy’?” Annie’s agent exclaimed, completely mystified by one of his top photographic models just waltzing into his office on Monday morning and quitting, no questions asked.
Annie wondered about that for a few moments. A fleeting few seconds of concern flashed into her conscious mind about rent and food and clothes and the like, but then Annie reigned in her woman by the scruff of the neck and mentally threw her back into her right place in her life-making decision-making process... second. The woman would be on a short leash for the rest of her female’s life and that was that-a ‘very’ short leash.
“Because... I ‘can’.” Annie smiled, wishing the man no harm and knowing, like the fish in the sea, there were plenty more pretty young hopefuls to take her place at the drop of his hat. She smiled at him warmly and then turned and walked out of his office and into the rest of her female life. She felt healthy. She felt happy. And she felt absolutely terrific!
She also felt very good about herself as a person in her own right for the first time since she could remember, and, she did so without feeling guilty, even though she had just resigned from the best and ‘only’ paying job she had ever had in her life.
Annie bounced through the front door of her agent’s office building, stepping out confidently into her life with such a spring of natural pride in her step. She knew she’d lost her mind, otherwise she wouldn’t have carried through the thought she had woken up with that morning to the action of absolute finality she just had. But it was the woman’s mind she had lost.
The incredible thing was, she didn’t seem to care. Her job and future career as a photographic model just didn’t seem as important to her as they had on Friday. She had absolute belief in her future and its happiness without question and just as absolute faith in herself without doubt, and she ‘loved’ the feeling. She felt born again and didn’t really know why.
Annie put her incredibly out-of-character change of attitude and change of mind down to the best weekend’s sleep she’d had since she could remember.
She’d returned from her interview with the painter which had gone better than she could have hoped for, considering she hadn’t really even wanted the job at one part. He had asked her to pose for him in his studio for some initial sketches as part of her interview so he could see how her form would align itself with different size easels or something.
Annie had been bored just sitting there on a chair, although at first she had been a bit concerned he might ask her to take off her clothes. She had been half-expecting it, but it hadn’t eventuated. What ‘had’ eventuated, much to Annie’s absolute personal embarrassment was that she had fallen asleep.
She must have been so tired, she’d figured at the time, as the reason for her doing so. The whole afternoon had gone by and she’d slept through it all, but her profuse and embarrassed apologies had met only a warm smile and laughter as he’d told her it had been really fortunate for her that she’d done so in falling asleep.
He’d told her because she had looked so relaxed and so natural he’d decided to let her sleep and had been able to capture a very ‘special’ look that he always searched for in new models, but very rarely found. And on the basis of that he’d given her the job, beginning the following Monday afternoon.
Annie had been amazed and incredibly pleased and proud of herself at the time, even though she had known it would mean giving up her job at the agency, but for some reason that didn’t seem to bother her at the time. On Monday morning it still hadn’t because after showering and dressing she had gone directly to her agent’s office from which she’d just left after resigning on the spot.
What completely amazed Annie now as she strode purposefully towards the car park and her little yellow sports car was how great she felt within herself.
Her body felt loose and relaxed as she walked with such a spring in her step, Annie felt she was almost bouncing along as she walked. Her mind felt relaxed and calm, focussed and very centered, and her emotions felt as calm and as quiet as a mountain lake with its surface as clear and as smooth as glass at the dawning of a brand-new day. The smile on her face often stretched from ear to ear while her awareness just couldn’t believe everything she was feeling and doing in her new life.
The more Annie thought about her ‘new’ job as an artist’s model, the more excited she became. Mike Jones wanted her to work five days a week, but entailing only the afternoons, beginning at midday sharp and on Fridays finishing at three with the collection of her week’s pay. The weekends were her own.
But the best part-the ‘very’ best part that caused Annie to grin like a Cheshire cat whenever she thought of it was that she could ‘sleep in!’ every morning of the week. Sleep in! Every day! No more early starts!
Annie was beside herself and squealed with excited delight as she fired up the little powerful four-cylinder engine of her yellow two-door old fashion sports car.
“Yeeesssssss!” She yelled into the cool relative airflow of the little car’s surge forward onto the open road. As her speed increased, the airflow caressed her hair and then whipped it around her face and neck, but Annie simply didn’t care.
Before, with her previous attitude, she would not have allowed one single strand of hair to get out of place before putting it right back where it was when she glanced at herself out of professional habit all the time. She would simply never have had the top of her little car down.
But now she didn’t care. Annie simply didn’t care-about a lot of the things she used to only the week before, and especially, it seemed, about how she looked. She was reveling in ‘not’ looking in a mirror every ten minutes. She didn’t care ‘how’ she looked because ‘she’ knew she looked just fine.
And so the wind in her hair and face became her friend and not her enemy for the first time in her professional working life. Its freshness about her face and neck became an endless stream of soft cool sensual kisses of introduction to a freedom she somehow now sensed was hers by right of birth, and ‘would’ be hers for the term of her natural life.
“YYYYYEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!” She screamed excitedly and loudly into the cool welcome airflow bathing her face and hair while her little car sped her towards the centre of town. She had some important shopping to do-clothes she had always wanted to wear, but for some reason had never allowed herself to buy them.
But today she was going to, and before she had to be at Mike Jones’ apartment at midday to commence her first day’s work as an artist’s model. And ‘this’ time, she vowed to herself, she was ‘not’ going to embarrass herself by going to sleep, no matter ‘how’ boring it happened to be just sitting there and not moving for hours on end.
Today, Annie knew she was going to do a ‘lot’ of things differently, because she ‘felt’ differently. Apart from that, Annie had no idea what was going on with her, except that she liked it and she felt good about herself as a person, and without feeling guilty. If nothing else, Annie felt great about that alone.
Yes. Annie Summers was happy-an emotion she had rarely felt of late, in fact, not for a long time. She busied herself excitedly all morning bouncing happily from one boutique to another, buying clothes and underwear she used to only see others wear-normal clothes, normal underwear-plain old white cottons-feminine, but simple normal white cottons.
She felt wonderful,knowing whatever she was wearing, inside or out, she’d be perfect, just the way she was.
The incredibly centered feeling within her caused Annie’s emotions to begin tumbling often while she shopped with the absolute happiness of feeling who she really was, surging through her being. She had always known her emotions had never really been under her conscious control.
She would cry at a ‘Lassie-come-home’ movie or simply from her own lonely moments of aloneness at night. It was always just before drifting off to sleep with the tears of anguish of her not-yet-born children welled in the corners of her eyes.
Always the deep soulful unfulfilled ache of her not-yet-met-husband’s strong protective arms about her and his firm chest cradle she could rest her always-tired head on as she closed her eyes and went off to sleep.
As Annie shopped ‘till she almost dropped, having the time of her life just being herself, she had an almost apartness about herself. It seemed as if there was some ‘other’ part of her watching whatever she did. It felt like a ‘deeper’ part of her natural self who reminded her as she shopped that the tides of her emotions would always advance and would always recede. The winter goes and summer comes, just as the sun rises and the sun sets.
She felt as if a part of her was teaching another part of her all things new, but that were not-were old, and were now being rediscovered again for the very first time while she shopped ecstatically. Annie somehow knew that as the warmth of summer wanes and the cold of winter approaches, so, too, would the flowers bloom and the flowers fade when the seeds of her life are sown and the harvests were reaped in the fullness of her time with herself.
Her natural heart told her as she tried one dress on after another that all nature was a circle of moods. She knew now that she was a part of nature, and so, like the tides, her moods would always rise and fall. That would be okay with her from that moment onwards, because from that moment onwards Annie knew that ‘she’ would be master of her emotions.
As the endless number of dresses and jeans, cardigans and underwear were accepted and rejected as ‘felt’ right for her at the time, despite how she looked in the full length mirrors of the stores she shopped in, Annie somehow felt now that it was one of nature’s tricks. She didn’t quite understand fully yet but suspected that each day she would awaken with moods that will have changed from the day before; that yesterday’s joy would become tomorrow’s sadness, yet today’s sadness would grow into tomorrow’s joy.
Annie felt that there was, inside herself somewhere, a wheel that constantly turned from sadness to joy, from exultation to depression, and from happiness to melancholy. She felt that like the flowers, today’s full bloom of joy would fade and wither in despondency. Yet she would remember always from that moment onwards that just as today’s dead flower carried the seed of tomorrow’s bloom, so, too, would today’s sadness carry the seed of tomorrow’s joy, and Annie ‘knew’, from that moment onwards, ‘she’ would be master of her emotions.
The morning wore on, but Annie was far from wearing out, shopping and just plain having fun, being just who she felt like she really was-a female-a ‘feeling’ female, and not a thinking woman for a change. It was a nice change. It was a welcome change. It was a long ‘overdue’ change.
Annie realised as the trunk of her little car filled with more and more clothes exactly ‘how’ she would master her emotions of the future, no matter ‘what’ they were, because she realised also that unless her mood ‘felt’ right, her day would be a failure.
A part of her natural female nature was teaching her as she drove happily from store to store that trees and plants depend on the weather to flourish, but that ‘she’ could make her ‘own’ weather and transport it with her wherever she went. It taught her that if she took the rain and gloom and darkness and pessimism of her woman into her world of today then her world would return the same to her female and her efforts.
It also taught her that if she took her female’s natural joy and brightness and laughter into her world of today then it would react with joy and enthusiasm and brightness and laughter. Her weather for her female ‘and’ her woman then would produce a harvest of achievements and success that she could feel good about herself for reaping as who she really was-a natural female.
And because of that teaching Annie knew from that moment onwards, she ‘would’ be master of her emotions.
Her little car literally bulged with packages as Annie finally drove on home to her apartment after shopping herself silly and having the time of her life. And she knew exactly ‘how’ she would master her woman’s emotions in the future, so that ‘every’ day was a happy day and a productive one.
Throughout her morning’s shopping Mother Nature, her ‘female’ nature had taught Annie the secrets of the ages. Each day when she awoke she would follow whatever ‘felt’ right within her natural being, with no injustice intended towards another, before she was captured by her woman’s forces of sadness, self-pity and failure.
If she felt depressed, she would sing, and if she felt sad she would laugh. If she felt ill she would double her efforts, and if she felt fear she would plunge ahead. If she felt inferior, she would wear some of her new clothes, and if she felt uncertain she would raise her voice. If she felt poverty she would think of her wealth to come, and if she felt incompetent she would remember her past successes.
Annie knew she would never again feel insignificant, but if she did, she would remember her ‘female’ goals and not her woman’s, because from that moment onwards, Annie knew, she ‘was’ the master of her emotions.
As Annie excitedly unpacked all her packages and began trying them on one after the other she readied to go to her first session as an artist’s model while her mind ran happily on automatic in its natural learning’s to help make her the very best at who she was.
Annie now knew that there would be days when she would constantly struggle against the woman’s forces, which would try to tear her female down. Those such as despair and sadness were simple to recognize, but there were others of the woman she now knew, that would approach her with a smile and the hand of friendship and against them, Annie realised now, her female must never relinquish control.
If her woman became overconfident, she would recall her past failures, and if her woman overindulged she would think of her past hungers. If her woman felt complacent, she would remember her past competition, and if her woman enjoyed moments of greatness, she would remember then her woman’s moments of shame.
If her woman felt all-powerful, she would remind her to try and stop the wind, and if her woman became overly proud she would remind her of her moment’s of weakness. And Annie knew that if her woman ever felt her woman’s skills unmatched she would remind her to look to the stars, because from that moment onwards there was no doubt at all in Annie’s mind that she really was ‘master’ of her emotions.
Annie also realised now that she would easily recognize the moods of her woman as she awoke each day and allow. She would demand that her natural happy female be allowed to ‘shine’ as the miracle of nature she felt she really was, on loan from a star for just a little while, to be happy, and to ‘be’ who she really was... a natural happy female.
Yes. Today, and from that moment onwards as she closed the door of her apartment to leave for her first session as an artist’s model, Annie knew she controlled her destiny.
She also knew that some natural part of her, somewhere deep within her vowed to keep ‘on’ reminding her that her ‘natural’ destiny was to become the ‘greatest’ female in the world. Annie ‘would’ master her emotions, and she would master her ‘woman’, and she ‘would’ become great indeed... to herself.