Dairy of a Little Blue Jay
Letter one
As I am sure you know my name is Lexis. One year ago to date you cursed me. I been told you wanted a passage from me for your dairy getting into how it feels and how I have reacted to what you did to me. Weird comes to mind. You expect it not to feel weird after so long but it still does. I almost feel like I don’t have a choice writing this which is of course true but not what I mean. I can’t restrict myself. I can’t edit and trust me I am trying. I know proper English and grammar yet I can stop myself in order to correct mistakes. It is irritating.
I guess the big one first. Do I hate you? I certainly did but I don’t anymore. I understand why you did it and since I can’t lie you can believe I understand my life is likely better as a result. I hope you will excuse my inability to thank you though. I wonder if you know what it feels like? You gave it to me so I assume you do but I could be wrong. If not this is what it feels like.
Like tug of war. My body even now is being pulled. My hand is being pulled across the page. Like I am a puppet. I can resist but it tends to only land me in a dead draw. Frozen in place unable to move until I yield to command I was given. I don’t really resist anymore so it is reaching a point where I almost forget I don’t have a choice. Almost. I expect I will reach that. If it happens I will write you another letter. So I guess this is where I dive into my past. It is funny I know that even if I didn’t remember it correctly the moment I am commanded to remember it would all come racing back perfectly clear. It is a neat side effect.
One year ago. I remember. Sitting on my couch, smoking a joint, my hair a mess my apartment a mess. Suddenly I got a call from him my husband. I was so angry back then. I remember thinking he was going to try and get another visit with the kids.
“Ya? What do you want?” I asked
“My Little Blue Jay shouldn’t hang up the phone or prevent herself from being able to hear me clearly,” he said.
“Are you high?” I responded.
“My Little Blue Jay should unlock the door and go sit on her bed all the while being sure not to alert anyone.”
“What are you on?” I asked as I stood up. It hadn’t hit me yet. The first time you lose control of your body. It is unique. You rationalize it. I didn’t stand up to lock the door I stood up in shock of what he was doing. In my case it didn’t last long. Seeing myself unlock the door. My mind panicked.
“My Little Blue Jay cannot lie to me and she cannot hide any thoughts she has to questions I have.”
“What the fuck is going on?” I tried screamed into the phone but it came out in a whimper. I was already walking to the bedroom.
“Is there anyone else there or expected to be there?” he asked.
“No. Why? Answer me god damn it!”
“Are you sitting on the bed?”
“Yes—”
“When My Little Blue Jay hangs up the phone she is going to lay on the bed. She is not going to speak and place her hands towards the ceiling with her fingers spread out and her legs are going to go into a spread eagle position. Is that clear?”
“Yes—”
“Good. Hang up the phone my Little Blue Jay.”
Before I could speak I did as I was told. It was odd. The past two times I had tried to say more but the moment he spoke I instantly lost my voice. I realize writing this it was because he told me to make sure I could hear him correctly. Funny how many things you realize on reflection. So there I sat or laid. I could move technically. Couldn’t get off my back though. I could wiggle my toes but not my fingers. I could move my head freely and open my mouth but I couldn’t scream. I tried. I must have looked silly.
Next thing I knew he walked in and my muted screams fell on him. He sat next to me.
“Honey. Did you know Tina was caught selling drugs at school?” he said looking down. “Well before I release you lets get some ground rules out of the way. I am sure your curious what is going on. To skip a long story every time I use the phrase Little Blue Jay you are compelled to do what ever I ask of you.”
He stood up and stretched, My mind was so scattered, I just couldn’t believe it was real. I know had plenty of evidence but at this moment in time part of you still believes it is a dream and you are going to wake up any time.
“Okay. Little Blue Jay you cannot inflict physical or legal harm on me nor can you allow me to come under either harm when it is in your power to stop it.”
Oh yeah that rule. You know I eventually before now did realize he didn’t say emotional. It would have been easy. I doubt he forgot. That was just the kind of man my husband is. Yes I can’t say his actual name. Weird rule but whatever. My husband was in effect turning me into a slave. In a sense I am a slave but I don’t feel like one. I think the reason for that right there. He didn’t take away my ability to speak down to him. As much as I don’t want to admit it. I kind of love him for that.
“Little Blue Jay if you ever think of a way to escape me or what I have done to you the first thing you will do is inform me on what you have discovered. Further more if you discover a way to improve the situation for us you will also inform me. Also you cannot hide from me. In the event you have not seen me for twenty four hours you will do your best to find me as soon as possible. Okay that is enough. You can speak.”
“What the fuck did you do to me!” I shouted.
“First. Did you know Tina was selling weed? Your weed at school?”
“No.”
“How can you be okay with that?”
“Hey it is just weed. At least she isn’t fucking enslaving people with black magic!”
“This isn’t black magic. Oh Little Blue Jay don’t curse anymore. Repeat your last sentence properly please.”
“Hey….” That was a moment I tried so hard to resist. Yet like anything else sooner or later I lost. “it is just weed. At least she isn’t….. enslaving people with black magic!”
He smiled and held my leg. Oh and if you are wondering. Yes I still cannot curse. If you are wondering if that conflicts with the unable to hide command it does. We learned that if two commands conflict the newer one wins. Except I figured out a way around that. See we have a list of active commands typed up. We assigned them a number. New commands last only a day unless they get a number. The number they get explains which commands they can’t over ride. So forced honest expression is above inability to curse.
Normally inability to curse doesn’t conflict with the forced expression but since in this case I was quoting myself I had to be accurate. This method was one I thought up and even though it made me well more a slave I am kind of proud of it. It makes life a lot more simple.
So there I sat unsure what to do or say. Obviously I had lost. My best goal at the moment was simply to not anger him. Kind of tricky when can’t help but tell the truth.
“Okay,” he said. “Little Blue Jay you may only address me as husband. Also you are going to come live with me. I will be selling this home next week.”
“What! You can’t do that. This is my home and...” I tried so hard to say his name but you know what happened. “Husband… we are split up! You don’t have a right!”
“Oh I know!” he shouted standing up. “You bribed a judge and got full custody. You robbed me of my right to see my kids. You take my money to spend on drugs and you are now raising them to be drug dealers? Yeah. No rights. Hit the nail right on the head. But not any more. I found someone to help me. Now I get to turn things back to how they should be. Don’t worry I remember loving you. I want that back. We will get married again.”
Again another thing I can’t help but love about him. No we aren’t yet married. We are planning to next month though. On the anniversary of our original wedding day. I understand fully that any point he could have just commanded me to love him or commanded me to be some silly air head bimbo. He didn’t though. Or at least I don’t think he did. If he did he went to a large effort to hide it.
That was the last time I saw my home. My husband didn’t let me return to collect my things. He did that for me. Then again his home or well our home now was much better anyhow. By the time we arrived at my new home it was noon. In my fear I finally asked him the question.
“What are you going to do to me?”
“Nothing bad. I told you. I love you. I want to fix your life and be a part of it.”
I didn’t want to believe him but even then I think I did. It was just the kind of man my husband was.
“Little Blue Jay until further notice you cannot leave these walls. Also you cannot do drugs of any kind unless doing so would save your life.”
There it was his true motivation. I mean that. Things get kinky but that is what he wanted. More than to be with me. More than sex or money or power. He wanted me to stop hurting myself. Not sure I approve of the methods but I mean I am compelled to be honest. I can’t blame him.
“Little Blue Jay for the rest of the day I want you to notice yourself feeling sexy and horny every time you take a breath. In addition nothing except an orgasm can allow this feeling to go down. Also you cannot touch yourself in a sexual way nor can you allow anyone else to except me. Lastly you are unaware that I am an exception to this rule.”
Yeah that is always weird and I have to admit kind of hot. Not just the obvious getting horny thing, but lets be honest I liked that too. ;). Oh god! I just winked. God that was awkward. I was referring to not being able to realize something. It is one of my favorite ways for us to play. My Husband adds the condition that after the game is over I can realize it.
I just had an idea. I like being unable to hide my true feelings. Damn. So it is true. I can’t lie so I guess I like it. It can be really annoying at times though but I think I feel truly free. It such a good feeling. I almost am free of blame. I mean after all I can’t hide. I am physical unable to hide or lie to my husband. He always accepts me too. I used to be afraid I would say something that would make him so mad he would mistreat me. Now I firmly believe no such thing exists.
“Oh no. You really are going there. You are going to turn me into some kind of sex slave!”
“How? You won’t let anyone touch you right?”
“I… uh. Well….” I had no counter. I couldn’t leave I couldn’t do drugs, not that I had any with me anyhow. I couldn’t do anything that could harm him and I was getting horny. I wanted to scream and punch things. Suddenly I realized it. He didn’t say I couldn’t harm myself. I could get hurt and speak crazy. They would lock me in a psych ward. It would be a way to escape him.
He was preparing to leave.
“Husband!” I shouted. I didn’t get it.
“Yes?”
“I thought of a way I might escape you,” what? I thought. No I forgot he said that. Damn it. Or at least that is what I had thought at the time. “You instructed I do not take drugs but you did not instruct me to keep myself safe. If I am harmed I could be removed without the ability to return.”
“Good point Little Blue Jay. Do not let yourself come to harm physical or legal. Do not realize you cannot harm yourself. Every time you try find yourself giggling as hard as you can until you forget what you are doing. Don’t realize that either. I love you. I got a few errands to run. I will be back.”
That a unique one. Because I was unaware I was determined to harm myself and free myself. Walking into the kitchen I grabbed a pot prepared to through it through the window. Just as I took aim a giggle attack took me. So hard, so sudden. Ever hear a joke so funny that you couldn’t breath? That is how I looked. My muscles weakened and I feel to the knees lost in a giggle attack.
I expect you are a clever man. See the trick here? Ever breath I take I get hornier. A giggle fit later and I become a hot mess. Sex slave? Free? Who cared then. I wanted to orgasm. I tried to touch myself. No dice. I needed help. A cold shower was my next guess. It took the edge off actually but just barely. About an hour later my husband found me wiggling on the bed.
Sitting next to me he touched my breast. I moaned in response.
“How?” I whimpered.
“Do you want me to continue?” he asked.
“I—”
“You are not compelled for me to continue. Remember that.”
“Yes please. Make me feel good!”
Hot damn I had forgot how nice of a lover he is. So soft and warm, touching me so gently. Never would he hurt me. He always seemed more concerned with me then himself in the bedroom. Like if he reached orgasm was not as important as if I did. He touched me so right. Had I been bound to instruct him how I wanted it I would have been silent. He knew me better than I knew myself.
When it was over I could think again. It felt like mind rape at the time but what could I do? I still enjoyed it. I have a rating system now. I call it the need to orgasm levels. 1–4.
- “Horny teenager”. Overall you desire sex but you can take no, it just makes you sad.
- “Needy!” Thing about needy is that you really can’t accept no at this point not willingly at least. This is the woman who would ask her husband and then after hearing a no go out to find someone else. In my case this is especially frustrating level because I can only have sex with my husband. So this level feels like waiting in a traffic when you have to pee.
- “OMG” or the rapy stage. At this point I will wake my husband up. I will suck him off while sleeping to get him in the mood. While stage 2 it still reasonable to not have sex stage 3 will not be ignored. It is a when not an if.
- “NOW!” I afraid of this level. Only felt it once. So desperate for sex I almost felt I could break the curse. I would have killed to have sex at this level.
My first experience with my husband under this. Care to guess what level I was at? It wasn’t a two. 1.5 tops. I don’t think you can reach 3 without magical influence. I have to say it is amazing.
“I am going to pick up the kids. Might want to clean up,” he said before leaving.
It wasn’t an order but it is good not to drag your feet in this situation. Things were just getting started. Oh look at the time. I need to start dinner. Until next time.