The Princess and the Popper
Prologue
Princess Catherine had just hurled a rather large book at her tutor even as he fled the room but she’d had the foresight to wait just long enough for him to be out of the path of the flying book. After all, it was rather pleasing to hurl the book with great ferocity at him but it wouldn’t do to cause injury to the man for which she would surely be blamed but sending him fleeing to her father did feel rather good and with the man now departed, she was free to vent her frustrations on whatever he’d left behind in his haste to leave.
All she really wanted was to be taken seriously. Someday, she’d be ruling this kingdom and yet sometimes, people still wanted to treat her like she was still just a girl. “Give me some respect,” she sometimes wanted to scream. “I can do this. Stop treating me like a little kid.”
The Princess growled to herself as she paced in her apartment. She’d thought it would have gotten better when she’d come of age but it hadn’t. If anything, it had gotten worse. It was all so infuriating.
In another part of the palace, a man wearing an earpiece was surreptitiously watching a group of tourists who were taking the tour of the palace. “She’s here,” he said quietly.
Somebody had clearly said something in his ear and the man shifted irritably. “I don’t know,” he said. “She’s just taking the tour … yes, of the palace.”
Again, the man listened to whoever was talking to him.
“I don’t know,” he said in a near whisper. “Maybe she just figures she’s going to walk out of here with the rest of the tourists.”
Again, someone said something in his ear and the man nodded. “Will do,” he said. “I’ll try to keep it quiet but that only works if she doesn’t raise a fuss.”
The agent followed the tour even as he watched his quarry. She wasn’t doing much. She just seemed to be just another one of the tourists but of course he knew it was all an act on her part.
As the tour came to a conclusion, the security man stepped forward. “Excuse me, Miss,” he said, “can I talk with you?”
The girl chomped on her gun. “Are you talking to me?” she asked.
Was she really serious, the security man wondered. It had to be obvious who she was talking to but if course it was all part of the act. “Yes, ma’am,” the man said.
The girl let him separate her from the tour and then he was pulling her into a room off to the side. “What do you think you’re doing?” he asked.
The girl chomped on her gum. “Um taking a tour?” she said.
He had to admire her. Even though her act wasn’t working, she was definitely sticking to what she’d started. “I think you know why I’m pulling you out of the tour,” he said.
The girl shook her head. “No, I’m sure I don’t know that,” she replied.
“Why don’t you come with me,” he said.
“Okey dokey.”
There was sticking to an act and there was carrying it too far the man thought and this was bordering on taking it too far but if she wanted to keep playing the fool, he could deal with that. “I got her,” he said in a low voice into his microphone. “I’m taking her up.”
The girl continued to chomp away on her gum. “So, um, where are we going?”
The security man just shook his head and all he said was, “You’ll see.”
They got to where they were going and the man opened the door without even looking inside. “In there,” he said with a nod of his head.
The girl just looked at him and then she chomped down hard on her gum and she said, You’re funny” and then she stepped inside the room and the security man closed the door behind her.
The gum-chomping girl looked around the apartment. This sure was a lavish place, she thought, and then she saw the only occupant of the apartment and finally she stopped chomping on her gum. “Wow,” she said.
“That’s pretty much right,” Princess Catherine said because except for the other woman’s clothes and mannerisms, she looked exactly like her. “Wow is right,” she said finally. “Who are you?”
“Me? My name is Deedee Donovan. Who are you?”
Was this girl serious, the Princess wondered. How the hell could this woman not know who she was but maybe she didn’t know. “I’m the Princess,” she said. “I’m Princess Catherine.”
“Oh wow. That is so cool. I’m really glad to meet you.”
“How did you get here?” the Princess asked.
“Well that’s the totally weird thing, I was on this tour, you know, of the palace and then before I know it, this guy comes up to me and I can tell this guy is really built because I notice these things, you know, and he like pulls me out of the tour and he asks me what I was doing and I tell him I’m taking the tour and Mr. Muscles, I can tell he really doesn’t believe me and after we talk a little bit more, he tells me I should come with him and well I know it’s weird and all that but he brings me up here and he opens the door and he tells me to go inside and well I know it’s weird but I did say he had lots of muscles and I thought maybe this could be fun so I go inside but instead of following me in he just closes the door behind me and then I see you. Do you know we really, really look alike?”
“We don’t look alike,” the princess said. “We’re identical. They must have thought you were me and that’s why they brought you back here.”
“I really couldn’t say. All I know is this cute guy wanted me to follow him so I did.”
The Princess couldn’t help but shudder at the description of some member of her security detail as a really cute guy. Were some of them well built and attractive? Yes, absolutely but one didn’t just call one of them a really cute guy. That was insane.
“So you’re the princess, huh? So what do you do all day? I bet it must be so exciting.”
“Not as exciting as you might think. I’m in this apartment a lot. I have to study but I have a private tutor for that. I get out when they need to show me off.”
“Study? But I thought you were an adult.”
“I am an adult but that doesn’t mean the studying ever stops.”
“Oh wow. That’s harsh. I made it through high school just fine. I probably could have done better but I liked hanging out with cute guys too much. Hey, I’ll bet you get to meet lots of cute guys, don’t you?”
The Princess shuddered at yet another cute guy mention. What was with this girl and guys? “Not as many as you might think. I get to sit in meetings with my father but most of the men are older than me?”
“Well some older men can be fun, too.”
The Princess couldn’t help but continue to stare at the other woman and even as she did, a plan was coming into her mind. She knew it was absolutely crazy. She knew it couldn’t possibly work and yet still it was there. “Listen,” she said. “Could you take your clothes off for me?”
“Why?” Deedee asked warily. “I’m not into girls you know.”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” the Princess said hastily. “I was just wondering if you and I were exactly the same.”
“You’re sure it’s not anything kinky?”
“I told you I just want to compare your body to mine. That’s all.”
“Well okay,” Deedee said. “I’ll trust you,” and she started to remove her clothes but she stopped almost as soon as she saw the Princess was doing the same. “Hey, what are you doing?”
“I’m removing my clothes, too. We both have to be naked for a full comparison.”
“Well okay,” Deedee once more hesitantly agreed.
“Turn around,” the Princess ordered when the two of them were finally naked.
Deedee did a slow spin.
“My God,” the Princess exclaimed. “It just might work.”
“What might work?”
“I want to get out of here. I’ve even tried before but they always catch me and bring me back. I’m sure that’s why they brought you here. It’s because they thought you were me but what if you and I switched clothes. Then I could get out of the palace.”
“Wait a minute. You want me to be the Princess? I mean you want me to be you? That’s crazy.”
“It would only be for a day. I could get outside of the palace and you could see what it’s like to be me. I really think this could work.”
“I don’t know,” Deedee said. “If they caught me, I’d get in a lot of trouble.”
“No you wouldn’t. If you get caught, you tell them it was my idea which it was. You tell them I made you do it and then they’d start searching for you … well for me. This could really work.”
“I don’t know,” Deedee said again.
“Come on, please. You said you wanted to know what it’s like to be me. This is your chance.”
It took a bit more convincing but finally Deedee agreed to do it.
“First things first,” the Princess said. “We both need to get dressed in each other’s clothes.”
Deedee didn’t have any problem putting on the Princess’s fine clothes and while Deedee’s clothes might have been less than what the Princess was normally accustomed to, if wearing her clothes meant she was going to get what she wanted, then Princess Catherine was more than willing to put on Deedee’s clothes.
This might actually work, Princess Catherine thought as she looked at the two of them together in the mirror. Deedee certainly did look like her and for her part, she certainly did look like Deedee, too, but she knew putting on each other’s clothes was the easy part. “Now, we’re going to have to act like each other.,” she said.
“How are we going to do that?”
There wasn’t time to give the girl a crash course on etiquette but then maybe she didn’t have to. Maybe the only thing she really needed to do was teach her a few basic facts. “I’m supposed to be in my apartment studying. My tutor is Mr. Avery. He’s going to come back here later to check on me.”
“Is he cute?”
“What is it with you asking if every guy is cute? And no, to answer your question, he’s not all that cute. He’s kind of tall and thin and he’s gotten a really long face and he likes to frown a lot especially when he thinks I haven’t done something right which is nearly all the time.”
“Hmm. You’re right. He doesn’t sound all that cute.”
“I think when he comes back, you should just act like you didn’t do the homework because if you say you did, he’ll want to quiz you on it.”
“Wait a minute. You have homework? I thought you were an adult.”
“I am an adult but I still have things I need to learn about foreign affairs and running a country.”
“That sucks.”
“Yeah, it does but you can’t tell him you did the homework. That’s important.”
“But won’t he be mad?”
“Absolutely but it’s not like I haven’t not done it before and we can’t have him quizzing you on it because he’ll know something’s up for sure.”
“Okay, got it. I didn’t do my homework. Check. What else should I know?”
“I’d try to stay in here as much as you can. You might look like me but fooling Father and Rudolpho would be hard.”
“Whos Rudolpho?”
“He’s Father’s Chief of Staff. He’s known me since I was a baby. He’d definitely be hard to fool and before you ask, he’s not cute either.”
“Good to know. Okay, so you’ve told me about you but don’t you think you need to know something about me?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well you might be dressed like me but if you act like a Princess, people might still think you’re really the Princess.”
“Good point. Okay so what do I need to know?”
“Okay so I like guys and especially cute guys but that doesn’t mean I’m a slut. I mean I won’t let a guy fuck me just because he wants to. I’m easy going and I’m easy to get along with and I always chew gum.”
“Oh, I never chew gum.”
“Yeah, I noticed that but if you’re going to be me at least to get out of here then you’re going to have to chew gum but there’s a catch. I don’t have anymore gum left. The only piece I have is what I’m chewing on now.”
“What?” The Princess said and then she seemed to get it. “Oh no. You’re not going to do that.”
“But you have to do it if you want to get out of here,” and even as Deedee was saying it, she opened her mouth and she took out her gum. “It’s not that bad. All you have to do is open your mouth.”
The Princess couldn’t help but groan but she had to admit there was something to what the other girl was saying. The Princess never chewed gum so if she was chewing gum the she couldn’t be the Princess. It almost made sense but that didn’t mean she wanted to do it. Still, she closed her eyes and she opened her mouth and she couldn’t help but feel disgust as she felt Deedee put the gum on her tongue.
“Close your mouth,” Deedee said and the Princess did close her mouth and then she chewed. Gross.
“It’s better if you blow a bubble.”
Ew gross. “How do I do that?”
“Use your tongue to push it out through the gum and the blow.”
This was so gross, the Princess told herself and yet there she was chomping down on the gum and using her tongue to push it out and then she started to blow and a bubble started to form and it started to grow until …
Pop!
Something had happened. For a moment there, it seemed as if she’d just kind of blacked out and then in the next moment, George Bloom was there in the apartments. George was the head of her father’s security and just when the heck had he gotten there.
“Who’s idea was it to bring this girl here and drop her off in my apartments,” Deedee said menacingly.
“I’m sure I don’t understand, Princess,” George said as he tried to placate her.
“Oh don’t you,” Deedee said and the Princess couldn’t help but approve of the way the girl was handling him. She almost wished she’d had the opportunity to be the one to rake the security chief over the coals like that. “This girl tells me she was taking a tour when one of your men plucked her out of the line and then he brought her up here and told her to go into my apartments. Now why do you think that is?”
“I’m sure I don’t know,” the security chief said.
“You don’t know,” the girl said menacingly. “You don’t know. He’s your man. You should know what your men do. I suppose I could see a superficial resemblance between me and her but did you really think I was her?”
“Princess, I don’t know what to say,” the security chief stammered.
Princess Catherine couldn’t help but love the way this was going. She’d had her doubts about whether Deedee was going to be able to pull this off but from the way things were going, she felt she might have been hard pressed to do much better.
“You don’t know what to say? Well let’s start with you answering my question. Do you think she looks like me?”
Okay, Deedee was really starting to press this, the Princess thought as George looked at her and if she didn’t watch out, she might push this too far.
Finally, George leaned back. “There is a resemblance,” he said finally.
“But she doesn’t actually look like me.”
The security man shook his head. “No, she doesn’t look like you.”
“Good. I’m glad we got that settled because I’d really rather not get my father in on this but since we do agree, I guess the real question is how are you guys going to get her out of here without her being seen?”
“I suppose we could take her out through a side entrance where she wouldn’t be seen.”
“And?”
“And what?”
“And I think maybe you should give her some walking around money to convince her to keep her mouth shut. Don’t you think?”
“It will be done, Princess,” George said.
They hadn’t really talked about walking around money mainly because it had never even occurred to her. After all, the Princess had never had to spend any money ever and now that she was thinking about it, she wasn’t even sure what she should spend the money on or even how much things were supposed to cost but as she stood there chomping on her gum, she couldn’t help but think that Deedee had handled this as well as it could be handled.
Catherine tried to catch the girl’s eye even as George quietly talked to someone to get someone to come up and take her out of there but for whatever reason, she seemed unable to make eye contact.
Finally, George turned back towards Deedee. “I have a man coming up here right now, Princess, and he’ll personally escort this woman out of the castle, and please accept my apologies for what happened here. It will never happen again.”
“It had better not happen again.”
The Princess couldn’t help but wonder what would happen when they finally found out that Deedee wasn’t in fact the Princess. Most likely there would be hell to pay for that. Then again, maybe she’d be back before then.
There was a knock at the door to her apartments and when George went to answer it, there was one of his flunkies standing there and he turned to look at Catherine chomping away on her gum. “If you’ll go with Mr. Robinson here, he’ll show you the way out of the castle.”
Catherine chewed away on her gum even as she wondered how Deedee might have answered that and then the answer just seemed to come to her. “Cool,” she told him. “Lead the way.”
She followed the security man down to the side entrance and then he was opening the door for her and he handed her an envelope. “Mr. Bloom said I was supposed to give this to you.”
Once more, the answer just seemed to come to Catherine as she took the envelope. “Cool,” she said as she took the envelope and stepped out of the palace and then the door was closed behind her.
It was funny, Catherine thought. In all her time of wanting to get out of the palace, she’d never really known what she would do if she actually did get out and now that she was out, she realized she had absolutely no idea what she was supposed to do. She chewed harder on the gum and then she blew a bubble because it seemed like the right thing to do.
Pop!
When she came to, she found herself in a pub although she had absolutely no idea of how she’d gotten there. She was standing at the bar and a big man behind the bar was standing there looking at her. “Well?” he said.
“Well what?” Catherine asked.
“Well have you decided what you wanted yet?” the bartender said with some irritation.
Catherine shook her head in frustration. Back in the palace, drinks were provided for her. Sometimes she was asked what she wanted and sometimes she wasn’t but whatever she drank was usually served in the finest crystal goblets and this pub didn’t look like it had ever seen a crystal goblet but that wasn’t why she was hesitating. She really didn’t know what she was supposed to drink.
“Why don’t you let me make the choice for the lady?” said a man’s voice behind her. “She’ll have the very special mead, Sammy, and I think you know which one I mean.”
“Yes, Sir, Mr. Anders. I know exactly which one you mean. Coming right up. Would you like to take it with you or would you like me to bring it to you.”
“I think you can bring it to us, Sammy.”
“Right away, Sir.”
“Would you follow me,” the man said.
Catherine had no idea who the man was as he led her to a booth in the corner but there was something about him that she recognized. She knew this was a man with power.
They took their seats and the man looked at her. “I thought I told you never to come back here,” he said.
Catherine couldn’t help but look at the man blankly. The best she could do was hope he’d keep talking so she could figure out who he was.
“I think you also remember that the last time we met, I said if I saw you in my pub again, there were going to be consequences.”
Catherine now had a moment of clarity. This man owned the pub they were in.
It was at that moment that the bartender showed up with their drinks and he placed the cups before them and just as Catherine had suspected, these were not crystal. In fact, the closer she looked, the more she wondered if they were even washed. “Will there be anything else, Sir?”
“No, Sammy. This will be fine. Leave us alone.”
“Yes, Sir,” and with that, the bartender stepped away.
The man took a drink from his glass and he looked at Catherine as if he expected her to do the same and she did.
The drink was sweet. Almost cloyingly sweet, Catherine thought, but there was something about it going down that just felt so good and it was almost as if there was a warmness that was spreading out from inside her when the drink reached her tummy.
“Go ahead,” the man said. “Have another.”
Catherine drank again from the cup and then yet again. The drink was so sweet but it felt so good going down. “What is this?” she asked when she’d finished her drink.
“It’s a product of my own invention but that’s not important right now. What is important is what we were talking about before, I may not have much love for the Royal family. Most of them are a bit of wankers if you ask me but they keep the peace around here and as a business owner, I like that. Keeping the peace is good for business. You remember that, don’t you?”
Catherine nodded even though she had no idea where this was going but this man at least sounded like someone she might be able to turn to if times got tough.
“I think we both know just how much you look like the Princess. It’s not a secret. Anyone can see it although to be fair, I’d say you look a little more like her now than usual.”
This was getting even better, Catherine thought.
“And that was why I told you you had to leave. I gave you a choice. There can be only one Princess so I told you to leave or face the consequences. I gave you a choice and you threw it back in my face. I told you to leave but not only did you not leave, you came back into MY pub. Do you know how angry that makes me? Now it’s up to me to do something about it.”
It was starting to get scary especially since the pub owner’s voice had stayed low and even but it was the words he was saying. It was time to play her trump card. “But I really am the Princess,” she said.
“Enough!”
It was the first time that Catherine had heard him raise her voice and she’d heard that same kind of tone from her father when he got angry and now Catherine was even more frightened.
The man pulled a long, narrow case from his pocket and when he opened it up, there were seven pieces of bubble gum in the case, all in various colors. “I know you like to chew gum so I got you these. You can choose anyone you want except for the one at the end.”
“Why can’t I choose the one at the end?”
“Because you can’t. Choose one.”
“All right then I choose the green one.”
“Very well. Take it and put it in your mouth and I will see you again soon.”