The Larry Singer Show
“Welcome everyone. Today we have an exciting episode of the Larry Singer show. On stage we have Ruth Winston and her boyfriend Tim Privers.” A blond thirty something man said a few steps up in an audience. The audience were seated in chairs pointed at a stage three steps up. On the stage were an early twenty something woman that had a dark beauty about her, and the man was thick and tall with unkempt blond hair. “Ruth,” said Larry Singer, “why don’t you tell us why you are here.”
The woman took a deep breath and prepared to bare all, “Well it started four months ago when I broke up with my ex-boyfriend John. Well he stopped talking with me then, and we didn’t see much of each other for about a month. Then three months ago he came to my apartment on campus, and he we drank some wine. We started kissing, then we had some wild sex for a few hours. When I woke up he was gone, and I really didn’t see him for a month. It was about then that I think he wanted to get back together, but by then I was with Tim.” A smile at Tim, and a smile back, “Then a few weeks ago I found out that I am pregnant. Since I didn’t what to be alone with John when I told him, and I always wanted to see California,” the crowd cheering, “I decided to tell him on your show Larry.”
“You also have security guards,” Tim said in a high pitched voice.
Larry didn’t think that this was going to be that good of a show, at least not close to the degree other shows had, but he was going right into it, “Well let’s not wait. JOHN COME ON OUT!!!” Out from behind the stage came a five foot eight, one fifty pound, brown eyed, brown hair young man. He didn’t take the chair that was for him, but just stood there assessing the situation. “John do you know why you are here?”
John looked from Ruth to Tim and to Larry and said in a powerful voice, “I can deduce that the only reason that anyone would be on your show would be because something bad is going to be reviled,” booing from the crowd, “to the only one left out of the loop, me. Since both Ruth and Tim are here I can deduce that Ruth’s pregnancy has something to do with me. I can only speculate here, but I would say that you are going to tell me that I am the father.”
The crowd were not sure how John knew this so Larry voiced it for them, “How did you know Ruth is pregnant?”
John took the seat offered to him, “First, Ruth slept on my couch three weeks ago, after a long tutoring session, and when she woke up in the morning she ran strait for my bathroom, morning sickness. Second, in my training to be a Bio-engineer I have taken some anatomy classes and the back pains I saw she had back stage leads me to believe that she is at least nine weeks pregnant.” A pause to let it settle in. “Anything else? Oh and before you ask I am not the father.”
Three things happened at once then. The crowd started chanting, “LARRY, LARRY.” Tim was out of his chair and headed strait for John. Ruth started to cry.
John leaped out of the chair to the ground out of the way of Tim just before he tripped over John’s former chair. The security guards were on Tim just as John was ready for the next attack. Once things got settled down, as much as possible on a Larry Singer show, John got a replacement chair and said, “Strike one,” as he handed a handkerchief to Ruth.
Larry did a hand motion to try to calm down the crowd, “Okay, okay, John how can you say that you are not the father?”
John was taken back at this then regained his composer, “I guess it wouldn’t help to say that I am Catholic?” the crowd didn’t think so, “okay how about I am still a virgin, which means IT’S NEVER BEEN TOUCHED!!” John said pointing to between his legs. The crowd liked that. “Now then I don’t know the whole story please,” John said to Ruth, “fill me in.”
“You should know,” Ruth said sobbing.
“I don’t.”
“Okay,” Ruth said, “three months ago—”
“Exactly,” John said, “what was the exact date.”
Ruth thought, “August 21 it was a Saturday. You came over with a bottle of wine—”
“What type of wine?” John asked.
“A bottle of wine,” Ruth said, “I think that it was red. I still have it back home.”
“Did I drink any of it?” John asked as if it was really important.
“Yeah,” Ruth said, “I think so. After about the third glass I don’t remember that much. But I do remember that I had one wild night with you.”
“Not likely,” John said sitting back and pulling out a day planner, “first off I was not even in the state August 21. I was attending a conference explaining the new technique of creating artificially grown skin cells. Second I can’t drink red wine. Remember new years last year. My little demonstration.”
Ruth though for a moment, “Yeah I remember. Holly shit you were puking for an hour after half a glass. Well if it wasn’t you who the hell was it?”
John was looking strait in Tim’s eyes. “Tim,” John asked, “where were you August 21?”
Tim responded without though, “I was getting ready for classes that started the Wednesday after that.”
“Ruth,” John inquired, “was Tim over at your apartment any time on that Saturday?”
Ruth thought for a moment, “Yeah,” to Tim, “you were over in the morning and we were both reading in the living room. Then you left, and about an hour later I though you came over,” Ruth said to John.
“I don’t suppose you remember what Tim was reading?” John asked.
“We don’t need to be interrogated,” Tim said standing up and grabbing Ruth’s arm.
“Yeah,” Ruth said pulling her arm out of his grasp, “it was a book on hypnosis. He wanted to try it on me, but I wouldn’t let him. The same with sex,” Ruth said to Tim.
Everyone looked at Tim. “Did you hypnotize her?” Larry asked walking to the stage.
“I don’t need to say anything,” Tim said making his voice go higher, “John got Ruth pregnant. She even said so.”
“That has been proven to be false,” Larry said making it to the stage.
“I didn’t hypnotize her. I didn’t have sex with her, John did, John was the fucker,” Tim cried and attacked John.
John simply stepped out of the way, “Strike two.”
The security guards grabbed Tim as John lifted Ruth and started guiding her off stage. Ruth was obviously confused and disoriented.
Two Months Later
“Welcome back to the show the couple on stage were here two months ago and then they didn’t have much to say to one another, but now it seems that they are back together. John, Ruth, why don’t you tell us what has happened,” Larry said from the crowd.
Ruth noticeably bigger, “Well I dumped Tim and sort of picked up John as my boyfriend. I went for a blood test to see who was the father. I already know that John isn’t, but he was so nice he went ahead and had his blood tested. I was told Tim also had a blood test, but I haven’t spoken to him for over a month now.”
“If you remember,” Larry announced, “Ruth initially said that John was the father of her unborn child, and then it was proven that John couldn’t have been the father. Then it was speculated that Tim hypnotized Ruth into having sex with her. We have the results of the blood test right here,” Larry said holding up a file. “So why don’t we bring out Tim to let him share in the answer reviled.”
Tim came out and was flushed as the crowd cheered for him. He had a weird smile on his face, “Thanks for inviting me back Larry.”
“Well why don’t we see who the father is,” Larry said opening the file.
“One thing,” John said, “does that report have the print-out of the digital photos of the people that submitted the blood?”
Tim’s face went dead white. “Why yes it does,” Larry said. “I must say you look rather tired in your picture John. And Tim you look five years younger, with a bigger nose, a pointer chin, and farther spaced eyes. Tim this isn’t you. That would explain why the chances of this person being the father are zero.”
“Also TIM,” John said as Ruth pulled an empty bottle of wine from a bag, “this is the bottle of wine that the father drank from. It is a red wine, which I can’t drink.” Ruth started to show it off the bottle like a hand model. “So I could not have the father since I have the pictures of when I was at the conference, at the time that Ruth was getting drunk,” John tried to put it as easily as possible.
Tim stood up and said, “Well I guess you have me there. Ruth all I can say is that I still love you ‘sweet cheeks.’”
Ruth seemed to snap alert. She then had a big smile on her face and stood up to face Tim. In a voice filled with love, “Tim I am so sorry please forgive me I still—” Whack! There stood Ruth with the bottle in both hands completing the swing that hit Tim full in the side of the head. “You dumb fuck. After we realized you hypnotized me to have sex with you the first thing that John did was remove the post hypnotic triggers, you dip shit.”
“Wait a minute,” Larry said confused, “Okay let me get this strait Tim hypnotized you to have sex with you because?”
“I would not have sex with him,” Ruth said, “but he knew that I would have sex with John.” Then Ruth and John hugged and kissed.
“You jack ass,” Tim yelled and dove for John. John simply side stepped him, and said, “Strike three.” John grabbed Tim’s belt and using his momentum sent him strait into the concrete steps of the crowd. Tim gave a gasp and then laid there silent and unconscious.
“So what now for you two?” Larry asked the happy couple on stage.
John looked at Ruth. “First off I decided that I am not going on to grad school.” John said, “I have been offered a high paying job that relates well to my studies. And I am going to help support Ruth in every way possible.”
Ruth made a low happy mown sound, “Thank you. You know that this is not your child?”
John looked Ruth deep into her eyes and said, “I would like it to be.” He got down on one knee and said, “Ruth, will you marry me.” From his pocket he pulled a thin gold ring with a cluster of diamond on it.
“Why didn’t you ask this six months ago? Yes, I will marry you,” Ruth said crying for joy.