Helping My Girlfriend Sleep (2)
Friday
I went to bed early … I’d been nodding off all day, exhausted from too many nights in a row with too little sleep as I tried to help my girlfriend Nina with her own sleep issues. In the bathroom by 9:00 PM, brushed teeth and showered. In bed by 9:30, hoping Nina would be up soon — I’d mentioned massage oil last night, intending to treat, already told her I was heading to bed. Then I thought how much nicer it would be to light candles. I found two on her nightstand and a butane lighter on the dresser, but while it sparked nicely, it wouldn’t light. I shook it, heard nothing swishing inside. Empty. I found a box of matches in the bathroom, brought the candles there to light them, placed one on each nightstand and was back in bed by 9:40, pretty much asleep by the time she came up at 10:15. She liked the candles, went into the bathroom saying she was probably a little ripe since she’d been doing her exercises. The last thing I did before coming upstairs had been some crunches with her, actually. It’d been too long since the last time, and I like exercising with her, though my strength exercises tend to be over a lot more quickly than hers, so even when I exercise with her, it isn’t for long unless we ride bikes.
I could hear the tub running as I nodded off.
“You showered,” she said, waking me.
“I was pretty ripe,” I said.
“Yes you were,” she said, smiling.
She was in bed next to me, snuggling close to let my body warm hers under the covers. I was on my back and she was facing me, on her side. Her hand stroked my chest to below my belly, occasionally straying lower but not touching anything strategic. I stirred.
“You smell good,” I said.
I rolled over and reached for the massage oil, which I’d placed close nearby. She rolled onto her back. It honestly didn’t occur to me until just now that she might have been inviting me to oil her chest; I was so locked into thinking of a massage starting with her back. My lower back was bugging me … I tried stretching it out, which helped. I rolled her over. The muscles of her upper back were crunchy. I oiled my hands generously, slathered her back, began working her from sacrum to neck and back again, long strokes at first, seeking out that crunchiness, thumbs and stronger fingers going deep, one hand firmly framing each knot as I found it, the other digging deeper. She melted.
I started out on my knees, my groin tight above her splendid bottom, but my lower back was still bothering me. I raised one knee, foot down, which helped. Every few minutes I switched legs. Then my left hand started getting tired. I have a rubber climber’s ring for hand strength, but haven’t been using that so much recently. Time to fix that.
I worked her back for about 20 minutes, until I was either going to have to refresh the massage oil or quit. This would’ve normally been the time I moved down to her legs, but tired, sore, a little achy, I quit for the night instead, blew out the candle on my nightstand. I’ll do more next week.
She went to the bathroom and I was pretty much out by the time she returned.
I woke almost two hours later, having to go to the bathroom myself. The bathroom light was on. I knocked. Nina was in there, watching a Netflix show on her laptop. It was 12:50 AM.
“I’ll get up,” she said.
“Did you sleep?” I asked.
She shook her head.
When we were both back in bed, she asked “Can you do that thing you do with tapping my forehead?”
“Of course,” I said, put my arm above her head, let my fingers gently trace her forehead and scalp.
“Tap me, please,” she said.
“I want you to relax first,” I said. “Start with your breath, let yourself relax, let the covers and my body warm you, here where it’s safe with me so close. Let my touch and your breath help your body sink deep, let your relaxed body help your mind sink deeper.”
Several minutes later, without warning, I dropped a finger to her forehead. “Five,” I said. “Feel yourself drop, just as my fingertip dropped onto your forehead. Feel yourself drop, feel your awareness sink. Deeper.”
I tapped her forehead again. “Four,” I said. “Sinking deeper now, so easily. Feel my fingertip trace circles around the the center of your forehead.”
“Three,” I said, tapping again. “Let your thoughts fragment, let them float away, you don’t need them now. I’m relaxing with you, and it feels so nice.”
“Two,” I said, tapping again. “Sinking so deep now. So relaxed.”
“One,” I said, tapping three fingers at once, leaving one fingertip where it fell. “Feel my finger guiding your awareness. Circling so gently, your sleepy mind following, you’re going so deep. My finger will drop between your eyes and you will drop further with it. It will stroke down the bridge of your nose, and your awareness will sink down with it. When it reaches the tip of your nose, you will be ready to sleep. And when it leaves the tip of your nose, you will sleep.”
15 seconds later, she said “Thank you.” She didn’t sound very sleepy. “I have to go to the bathroom again,” she said, and I fell asleep while she was out.
I woke again at about 7:00 AM. She was talking softly, perhaps on her phone. I went back to sleep.
It was nearly 9:00 AM before I woke again. The day was calling. I’d slept more than 8 hours, the first decent night’s sleep I’d had for a week. She was awake, too.
“Did you sleep well?” I asked.
“Pretty well,” she said.
“Do you remember me tapping your forehead?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said. “Then I went to the bathroom.”
“First time in three days,” I said. “When did you fall asleep?”
“Right after I came back from the bathroom,” she said, and kissed me. “Thank you.”
Saturday
Nina got a bit critical with me. She’s been painting a spare bedroom this past week, her summer project, while I was coding. She’d asked me to consult on colors half a dozen times, having painted eight different samples on each of the walls. Two of our neighbors and I recommended one color of the eight, while her niece liked another. Nina told me she wanted to honor her niece’s emerging aesthetic. Maybe she also liked that color best, but it’s hard to tell what she’s thinking sometimes, she certainly wouldn’t tell me when I asked. She ended up choosing her niece’s favorite, though it took several trips to the paint store to tweak even that to her liking. I’d already helped with painting the ceiling — I could easily do it without a ladder, while it was much more of a production for her. Now she wanted to me to change an outlet and a light switch to better match the trim, which I did. This required finding the right breaker on our power panel, which was a total mess: whoever labeled that panel before we/I bought the place must’ve been hallucinating. The overhead light was on a different circuit than the outlets, one of the outlets didn’t work at all even after disconnecting it from the wires and then connecting a new one, and neither circuit was labeled intelligibly: one was labeled “garage”, and who knows, maybe some things in the garage are tied to that circuit, but the overhead light in that bedroom certainly was. Old houses, y’all.
After helping with that and washing a bunch of dishes to clear the kitchen before dinner prep, I’d come back downstairs and resumed coding, where my latest project has been coming along nicely, but my workday can be interrupted by distractions sometimes — when things get intense and I need a break I’ll sometimes take a walk or watch a short video or do a little writing or even play a mindless repetitive game. This time it was an 8-minute-long car video.
“You know, if you feel like taking a break from your work you could maybe help around the house instead,” she said.
“You’re welcome,” I said.
This annoyed her. I can imagine how it might, but of course I was already annoyed myself. She said a couple more things that aren’t worth repeating, and I felt suddenly tired, like maybe my longer sleep last night hadn’t fully caught me up with a week’s worth of deprivation trying to help with her insomnia.
A neighbor came over to have a drink with Nina half an hour later. I came up after a bit. Nina had been working on a simple dinner in the interim, so the timing of our neighbor’s visit wasn’t great, but the two of them had their vodka grapefruit drinks and I had my alcohol-free limeade & Tabasco. We sat together around the coffee table. I was lethargic, not fully participating.
Afterwards I went downstairs to work more, finally heading to bed even earlier than last night, at 9:00 PM. I changed the sheets because her period had just started, then fell asleep almost immediately. I woke 90 minutes later to a loud voice just outside the bedroom door. Nina was going to take a bath. She brought her laptop to watch her latest Netflix binge, which she laughed at loudly and at unpredictable intervals, which kept me from going back to sleep. After half an hour I went back downstairs because I’d had some more ideas about my project and wanted to write them down and follow up. She came down half an hour later, rubbed my shoulders a little, which was nice, then headed back up. I followed 20 minutes later.
She was still awake. I could tell she wanted me to help her get to sleep again, though she didn’t ask. I didn’t feel up to it and by now I was ready for sleep again myself, so I went right down. We both woke once (perhaps she woke more than once), and I might’ve gotten 7 hours total before waking early. She came down an hour later to get some laundry from the dryer, saying she wanted to get more sleep.
I think the color she chose for the bedroom walls is very nice, by the way, and am very happy she’s pleased with the result.
Sunday
Nina doesn’t really PMS, but I’ve noticed in the past that she can get cranky during her period itself. I’d forgotten, but it helps better explain what happened yesterday. I need to apologize for letting myself snip at her. I also want to continue that massage from a few nights ago. Maybe tomorrow.
Monday
I barely saw Nina yesterday, she was out of the house for much of the day, and I wasn’t ready for bed until 12:45 AM. I noticed that most of a bottle of wine had been consumed — she seldom drinks that much so I wondered if she’d had someone over, unbeknownst to me. She doesn’t like it if I wake her when coming to bed, so after determining that she was asleep, I used the guest bedroom. I didn’t get enough sleep, though a nap in our bed later helped.
Tuesday, Week 2
I was in bed at 10:00 PM and asleep almost immediately. Nina came in an hour later and woke me, my head spinning, feeling like I’d been asleep much longer. She was stressed and achy, same story as usual. I didn’t feel up to giving a long massage, or inducing her to sleep, or anything. I listened as she decompressed, my hand on her scalp and hair and shoulders and back and hips, stroking absently or just sharing warmth, and was back to sleep in 20 minutes.
I woke again just before 5:00 AM, too early to get up for the day but not able to go back to sleep, so I went into the bathroom to play that stupid iPhone game that makes me sleepy. Nina came in 20 minutes later, asked if I was almost done, and of course I was, so I went back to bed, where she joined me a few minutes later. She said she’d set her alarm for about two hours later, and this time I was a little more cogent and felt up to seeing if I could actively help her sleep for that remaining time. I gathered a handful of her hair from just in front of her scalp’s crown, squeezed hard for 10 seconds as she gasped, harder for two seconds, then slowly released. I find this is a very useful and welcomed way to begin with her, the discomfort focuses the distraction, making it easier for her to be in the moment and less on what had been bothering her. She adjusted herself once, shifting to what must’ve been a more comfortable position, a pillow now supporting her neck and upper back. I whispered her down, talked about relaxing her body as I relaxed mine, about consciously deep breaths, about collecting her tension and exhaling it, about letting her body sink into the mattress as she relaxed, leading her mind deeper into relaxation as her mind followed my voice wherever I guided it, through safety and warmth and relaxation, her thoughts ablating as her focus stayed on her breathing, on my words, on her vision inside her eyelids, observing colors blooming and fading and flowing, being open to noticing whatever images they brought to mind, just letting her senses go where they went, meanwhile my fingertips lightly stroked her forehead and scalp.
Then, fingertips in place on the centerline of her scalp, I dropped a thumb onto her forehead, right at the hairline. No warning. The side of my thumb, right at the knuckle. A solid tap, but at a place where it wouldn’t do more than startle her, if that.
She didn’t startle.
“Four,” I said a few seconds later, and dropped another tap. “As my thumb drops onto your forehead, feel your body drop further into relaxation, sink into the mattress, into warm darkness.”
“Three,” I said, and tapped again in the same way. “So relaxed, sinking deeper and deeper.”
“Two,” I said, tapping again. This seemed to be working really well. “Deeper and deeper.”
“One,” I said with a final tap just like the others. “You’re now ready for sleep, my fingertip on your forehead, slowly moving down between your eyes, taking you further down with it, down the bridge of your nose, to the tip of your nose, and when it rises you will be asleep.”
And she was. Not long after, so was I.
Her alarm woke us. It took her a long time to turn it off.
“I was so deep in …,” she said, mumbling another word I didn’t quite catch.
“So deep in what?” I asked. I thought she might’ve said ‘trance’, but that’s a word I haven’t used with her, though as a person who’d taken a lot more psych courses, it’s a word she probably knows better than I.
“So deep in dreams,” she said.
“Do you remember when you were going to sleep?”
“Nothing,” she said.
Nine minutes later, her alarm went off again.
“Do you want to get all smelly again tonight?” I asked.
“Do you mean … oil?” she asked.
“Uh huh,” I was in and out of an extremely deep sleep, myself.
“That would be nice, honey,” she said, and kissed me, then got ready for her day while I went right back to sleep.
I slept for another hour. Incredibly, I’d been in bed for 11 hours, though of course not sleeping the whole while. We’ll see what the night brings. She’s still having her period, but that hasn’t stopped us before unless she’s flowing enough to feel self-conscious.
I’m ready to try taking her deeper, if opportunity arises.
Wednesday
It took longer for me to get in bed tonight: 10:35. I fell asleep almost immediately. Nina came up an hour later and woke me. As usual after being wakened from a deep sleep I didn’t feel up to mustering the focus to help her sleep other than by gently stroking her forehead and scalp. I was back asleep before long.
At 5:30 AM she went to the bathroom, waking me again, and when I returned we talked for a bit about some of the things stressing her, mostly money or its perceived lack. I gently massaged her from the side. After a bit she said her alarm was set for an hour later and she really really needed more sleep — she’d only gotten 4½ hours to that point and felt too anxious and overwhelmed for more. I took it as a challenge to build on everything we’d done before, but quicker.
I gathered a handful of her hair and squeezed. She gasped. Then, as I released after 12 seconds, I asked her to focus on deep breaths, collecting tension and releasing it as she exhaled, relaxing the muscles in her face, her hands, her feet, her body, observing colors blooming and fading and flowing inside her closed eyelids, letting my voice guide her, letting her body sink into the mattress, into relaxation, deeper and deeper as I relaxed with her, my fingers wandering on her forehead and scalp. She responded wonderfully. I reminded her about breathing, her relaxation, her sight behind closed eyes, her thoughts fleeing, my fingertips tracing on her forehead and hair. And then again.
Then, without warning, my fingertips on the centerline of her scalp from its crown, I tapped the side of my thumb knuckle firmly on her forehead, at her hairline. I’m starting to feel like my repertoire is too limited, but this had been working, and maybe repetition works.
“Four,” I said, tapping again.
“Three,” I said as I tapped again, “feel yourself sinking deeper.”
“Two,” I said with another tap, “feel your thoughts floating away, drifting away.”
“One,” I said with a final tap. “Deeper and deeper, sinking, drifting, floating … deeper. My fingertip drifting down as your thoughts drift away, drifting down between your chakras, from crown to between your eyes, down the bridge of your nose as you sink deeper, deeper down, to the tip of your nose, lingering there, and then releasing to … sleep.”
I hadn’t used the word ‘chakras’ with her before … I’d hoped it would be a confusion, just another word, just another distraction.
“Thank you,” she said, but stayed still.
Her thanking me was still a concern, but she’d done it several times in the past week and still managed to be asleep within minutes or even seconds afterwards, so I had to trust that it would happen again this time.
Her alarm woke us almost an hour later. I’d spent less than 5 minutes actively trying to guide her to sleep. I’m not sure if it was quicker now because she was getting accustomed to it or whether my technique had improved.
Five minutes later I stirred again. She was moving around. I was worn out but also feeling good … I’d slept, I’d helped her sleep, and helping her sleep was taking less effort from me each time.
Nina rose, showered, dressed, ate, went to work. I went back to sleep for a bit.
We have a charity event tonight. She’ll be at her office through part of it while I bring homemade cookies and then man the grill. Hopefully not all the cookies will sell and we’ll get to take some home for dessert. On the other hand, it’s for a good cause and I hope all the cookies sell.
I hope to get the massage oil out. She’ll be tired and so will I. I wonder if that’ll be good or bad.
Thursday
The charity event was a lot more tiring than I expected. I grilled for an hour, feeling almost like I was performing with so many people buzzing around, replacing cooked meat with uncooked, me giving pointers to the guys who would take over after my shift on how to know when a sausage was done, socialized for an hour, and by 7:00 PM, on top of my general lack of sleep, I was worn out. I went home without seeing Nina, climbed into bed, slept for an hour an a half. I didn’t see her until 10:00 PM, when I’d just gotten back into bed and she joined me there — she’d stayed later at the event to log an hour of cleanup duty, and of course got a lot more socializing in than I ever would.
She was tired and while I was no longer on the verge of sleep, I knew that if I helped her get there that I was likely to take myself down, too. My fingers gentle on her forehead and in her hair, circling her temples and teasing around her ear, her chin, her cheeks, I tried to be soothing. After maybe 10 minutes, ready to go deeper but also having a little gas from the sausages I’d grilled and sampled as well as the beans on the side, I got up for a trip to the bathroom.
“That felt so good,” she said softly as I neared the door. “You won’t be long?”
A thought occurred to me. She’d been on her side, facing away from me and I’d only ever tried anything like this with her while she was supine, but I felt ready to step up from just helping her sleep, and this seemed like an invitation, an irresistible opportunity. I lay down beside her, the comforter and part of a pillow between us. I stroked her forehead for half a minute more.
“Feel my fingertips on your forehead, circling into your hair, it feels so good,” I whispered into her ear. “Take a deep breath in, relax into the exhale, feel your body sink deeper.” I waited through several long breaths.
I tapped her forehead, felt her sharp indrawn breath. Waited a few seconds, tapped again. And then a few more seconds.
“Three,” I said. “It feels so nice, so relaxing. Your breathing, nice and slow and relaxed, your muscles relaxing, your body sinking into the mattress, deeper and deeper.”
“Two,” I said, tapping her forehead again, the wait between each tap longer than the last. She’d gotten very quiet, but something else was going on, something new: she was moving her hips, forward and back under the covers. Her period was over. I felt myself stirring.
“It feels so good, feel yourself sinking into a pleasurable safe warmth, deeper and deeper, sinking into pleasure.” Her hips were moving more frequently now, almost continuously. I wondered where her hands were.
“One,” I said, tapping her forehead again. “You’re drifting, floating, ready to go deeper, but you need to wait. Drift here, float here in this pleasurable warm darkness, waiting for me to return, ready for more.” I got up and went to the bathroom.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
Whatever I’d originally planned for the bathroom was no longer going to be timely. I was aroused, she seemed to be aroused, and while I wasn’t ready to act on that just yet, I felt like that would come soon. I relieved some gas pressure, washed my hands, returned to the bedroom where Nina lay, on her side, facing away from me, quiet and still. My fingertips found their way back into her hair, circled her temples, to her forehead, stroking gently. Her hips were no longer moving.
“It feels so nice,” I said. “My fingers stroking your thoughts away, already so deep and ready to go deeper, floating in pleasure, your thoughts drifting away, my finger drifting down between your eyes, down your nose, taking you down deeper with it. Feel my finger on the tip of your nose, pulling so slowly away, feel yourself sinking into … sleep.”
I woke two hours later, just before 1:00 AM. She was still asleep. I woke again at 7:00 AM. I’d been in bed for nearly 12 hours, though of course not all of that sleeping. The bedroom door was closed and I’d left it open because it’d been warmer than I liked. Nina generally likes doors and windows closed while I prefer them open. She woke half an hour later. Apparently she woke at 5:00 because I was snoring. I mentioned that tonight I would like to finish that massage I’d started a few days ago. She said we had nothing scheduled for tonight, though there are a couple potlucks she wanted to attend in the next few days, preferably with me. I knew about one, Labor Day in the street with neighbors and I’m already all in, but the other was news, more of an hors d’oeuvre party with some of her female friends. We can talk more about that one when neither of us is ready to sleep.