Title: Downfall, Chapter 4
* * *Laura was losing herself into Victoria more and more all the time. She was having a harder time, upon each awakening into morning, with reminding herself of why this was a bad thing. Her first thought was always Victoria: while Laura’s eyes were still closed, Victoria’s image would swim before her mental vision, and even when the Victoria in her head wasn’t real, even when she was only looking at Laura with imagined eyes, Laura still felt killed by them. And when she died, she smiled; and then for a while, she just basked in the warm afterdeath that Victoria’s glance always gave her. She belonged to Victoria: she was still her meat, and the rest of her life, all the consequences of belonging to Victoria, didn’t matter to Laura. At least, not upon first waking up.
It seemed Victoria was always in her mind, down around the corner of her thoughts, waiting to step forward and occupy her mind completely, keeping Laura from thinking for herself.
Then eventually Laura’s mind would come back from the place with Victoria, and then she would have to rise from her bed, and come around to living out her day, completing what was expected of her. Smiling at her husband and daughter at the breakfast table, knowing she was betraying them; going to work, teaching her classes, marking the assignments her students turned in, knowing that she was betraying her position there too as badly as she was betraying her family. Marking assignments and tests, thinking of the empty ones Victoria had turned in and gotten A pluses on, when the rest of the students had to work so hard for grades that were less.
It was different when Laura remembered her treacheries now. Once they had filled her with guilt, and certainty she needed to change. Now when she thought about them too long, they brought the image of Victoria in her mind, and she would find herself starting to slip back into basking in Victoria.
Laura did still try to talk sense to herself, during the hours she sat alone in her office at the university. She reminded herself that she was destroying her marriage; betraying it every day, chipping away at it; doing damage that her husband couldn’t see, because she was doing that damage in the dark. But if he ever happened to cast light to fall on it, he would see the full extent of her destruction. And she had already done things so unforgivable that he would only have to once glimpse this destruction before deciding the marriage was too destroyed to survive.
She told herself this. It didn’t help her forget Victoria, or escape her.
Especially when she was in her office, there were so many memories of Victoria; of worshipping her body, of being bestowed with her touch, and all of those memories were written into every object around. Victoria had come to her too many times here; she had obtained her mind too many times.
Sometimes, when Laura let herself stare too long at the surroundings around her university office, it was easy for her mind to start slipping into Victoria’s trance. Dying in it. And if she wasn’t careful, she could sit there for hours, making no progress on the work that demanded her attention; until finally something roused her. But sometimes Victoria’s trance felt like a very far pit she could never fully pull herself up and out from.
It was happening more and more frequently now that Victoria would come and find Laura in her office. And she would usually hypnotize her there, but she wouldn’t often stop there: she’d move from hypnotizing Laura to pleasuring her, or commanding Laura to pleasure her in return. It felt like being mounted up on Victoria’s wall as her catch and conquest; she set Laura’s mind susceptible, and then reinforced everything that was already in there by sensation. It was hard to even remember that she was married when this was happening.
But increasingly, the office didn’t seem like it was good enough for Victoria; at least, she was unsatisfied in it, and then, because Laura’s mind had become so porous to everything that Victoria felt, this feeling transferred into her.
The office was dangerous enough; other students could knock at Laura’s door when she was lost in Victoria’s spell; other faculty members could do the same. There was no shortage of people around who could discover Laura in the midst of having sex with Victoria, thus ending Laura’s career. So it was a big risk Laura was taking for Victoria, every time, but Victoria still seemed to want more. Which made Laura want to give it to her.
This meant that Laura and Victoria were more likely to be found engaged with each other inside Laura’s own house. Most dangerous of all: at any time Sarah could come home and find them. At any time, Laura’s husband could discover them. But it felt perversely satisfying, having Victoria there.
Today, they were once again in Laura’s home. She was constantly telling Victoria her schedule, because Victoria’s habit was to show up unannounced where she knew she could find Laura. Sometimes Laura forgot telling Victoria her schedule… sometimes Victoria told her to forget, so this effectively created the illusion that Victoria was somehow all-knowing. It made Laura feel more owned, down into her soul, when this happened. And today she couldn’t remember telling Victoria she would be alone; but here was Victoria, letting herself in through the door; and walking past Laura to the bedroom, clearly just expecting Laura to follow her.
Victoria was already lying on the bed when Laura reached the master bedroom she shared with her husband. “You like me to worship you here,” Laura recited, and caught Victoria’s eyes. “You like me to reclaim what is my husband’s and rededicate it to you.”
And Laura knew the weight of this desire in Victoria: it jeopardized her marriage further every time Laura fulfilled it.
It was dangerous just being here, now: Laura was pretty sure her husband wouldn’t be returning at any soon point; but it wasn’t possible to say that with total certainty. She was taking a bigger risk having Victoria with her here; and Sarah could come home, too.
The greater the risk the greater the offering, though, and Laura found herself, with less resistance this time, hoping Victoria would appreciate what she was giving to her, what she was hazarding to gift it to her.
Victoria smiled slyly at her, and beckoned her over to the bed, and Laura felt appreciated.
She was sitting beside Victoria then, sooner than it should have taken her to get there. It was like her mind skipped over time to get her there more quickly.
Victoria looked very deep into Laura’s mind. And her mind was already losing clarity.
“Deeper into your devotion for me,” Victoria instructed, and Laura had been hunted down, caught, killed. She was ever more susceptible to control each time that Victoria turned that control onto her.
In this moment, she was only happy. All her guilt was far away from her, forgotten, gone. She could only ever be happy about what Victoria was doing to her; she would give Victoria everything, she would sacrifice everything she had for Victoria, she knew that as she let Victoria look into; even sacrificing everything wouldn’t be enough, but it was the utmost that she could do— and she wanted to do for Victoria everything she could. Because Victoria made her so joyous; she felt that light touch of happiness everywhere in her mind, everywhere in her body. She didn’t need to think anymore because she glowed, she radiated that feeling, and she was an embodiment of it.
Victoria smiled, and knew her obedience. That made the glow in her brighter, hotter; and not only hot like heat. Arousal always followed closely when Victoria was taking Laura’s mind this way; and she was feeling erotic heat as well.
She knew that Victoria wanted her to give worship now; and she wanted to give that worship. Victoria’s eyes were large in her head, still staring all understanding into her, and Laura shifted forward, finding Victoria’s mouth— and Victoria allowed her, didn’t stop her for being so presumptuous. She kissed Victoria deeply, then started kissing Victoria down her body as Victoria’s hand followed her head, resting on her hair
Every part of Victoria’s body tasted good. Every part of Victoria’s body was a place she wanted to stay kissing at length, but there was a pull in her to seek lower, to move further down, and she wanted to follow the direct idea she had been given, so she didn’t linger at any place she’d already kissed once; she didn’t care that she was only kissing Victoria through her clothes sometimes, because she knew the meaning was still registering, that Victoria was still finding her worship in it. She kept traveling downward, kissing in this same way.
Laura had gotten down between Victoria’s hips. It was easy enough now to lift Victoria’s light skirt; she hadn’t put on underwear before coming over here— and it was even easier to lean in close to her pussy, and start kissing it tenderly; stroking when she could, but generally finding it so hard to draw her mouth back for even a moment. Her kisses started off tentative, entreating Victoria for permission to continue, but soon enough Victoria’s hand was once again resting on the back of Laura’s head, and Laura was distancing herself from time, going to a place where there was none, and then she wasn’t really kissing Victoria anymore. She was smearing her face in her, dragging her lips, dragging her tongue everywhere, getting Victoria streaked all over her cheeks, her nose, everywhere. She thought she might even be getting Victoria in her hair, because she was turning her face one side to the other so frenetically. Lost to tasting Victoria’s pussy.
The door was opening; at first, for Laura, the sound didn’t even register. It wasn’t until, as if from far underwater, she heard sound traveling down to her and finding her there. It was garbled, and she could barely hear it with the taste of Victoria in her mouth; but eventually, it did reach her. She realized she was hearing her own name; and she surfaced from between Victoria’s thighs, her face smeared in Victoria’s cream.
“Laura?”
Her mind was dazed in trance; she was staring at the figure speaking, but her mind was taking a while to actually process, and decipher who it was.
“Laura?” The figure asked again, their voice pitched in greater distress, as if they were demanding an explanation.
It was Gerrit. It was Gerrit Stanton. Her husband— she had been caught— by her husband—
Laura sucked in a sharp breath. Her trance shattered. Her husband— she was feeling some remnants of panic, some shadow of the fear she’d felt anticipating this moment.
She’d been getting sloppier and sloppier at covering for herself, and for the affair she was having with Victoria. But she felt she was doing so much more than having an affair with Victoria. She was having some kind of bonding to her; she was bonding to her in a way that felt deeper and more important than her marriage. But she knew she’d been getting sloppier at hiding, because she couldn’t deny Victoria; she imagined Victoria liked her doing it, and for the thrill of obeying, she’d risked everything. And now the thing she had feared in the night while lying beside Gerrit was happening here: he was standing in the doorway, he saw her tangled in their bed with another woman, he saw that her face was streaked in womanly juices; like in the past when he’d been the one wearing a woman on his face, as he must have seen in the mirror when he’d gone to clean himself up after loving his wife.
“Gerrit,” Laura said, feeling such fear in her heart. But she couldn’t think of anything to say, apart from his name, for just this moment.
Gerrit exhaled, and nodded to himself. “This is a misunderstanding somehow,” he said, clearly fighting to maintain calm. “I’ve walked in, and seen something I don’t understand. But there’s an explanation. I’m not seeing what I think I’m seeing. There’s another explanation, isn’t there?”
Gerrit was looking back to her— his eyes were pleading. Laura could feel the way her culpability was smeared on her face— literally, physically present. Would lying to him even help? Would telling him what he wanted to hear even do anything? She seriously entertained the idea of it for just a moment, imagining it might help her get out of what was happening here. She could lie… but it would only delay what was inevitable. She would keep worshipping at Victoria’s body; she would keep becoming increasingly sloppy in where and when she and Victoria shared intimacy.
And whether it would be in a few days, or a few weeks, or a few months, eventually this exact same situation would repeat itself. Gerrit would come in, and find his wife having sex with another woman: and then they would have the same conflict they were about to have now. It could be put off, but it was eventually going to happen the way it would happen right now if she didn’t put it off. So why put it off? She couldn’t get away from this outcome, no matter how many times she lied, they would always be right back to this moment. Their marriage was essentially over— Laura would always put Victoria ahead of their marriage, and that was the most supreme betrayal of it possible. No, she wouldn’t put it off: this conflict should happen now, the end of the marriage should be acknowledged now, all of it should be brought out into common knowledge. There was no escaping, so she wouldn’t try.
Laura pulled in a breath. It felt like it took that much effort, nerves were roiling in her.
“There is no other explanation, Gerrit,” she said, shaking her head. “Anything I could say to excuse myself right now would only be a lie— and I could lie to you, and tell you what you think you want to hear, but it won’t change what’s happening, and it won’t stop it from happening. We need to face the truth.”
The hope was gone from Gerrit’s expression. He folded his arms over his chest in a way that felt a little aggressive— and his tone was hostile when he spoke again. “And what is the truth, Laura?”
She’d thought she was so bold. She’d thought she was so ready to confess everything, and stop the hiding, and stop the sneaking. But she had to say it next, and she was momentarily paralyzed. There was no going back after this, not once he’d heard her say it. She held off.
Laura looked over at Victoria. She didn’t know if her glance had gone here because she was searching for inspiration, or if she was searching for comfort in the familiar. But she was seeking something from her; maybe it was simply because she found Victoria so beautiful and so impressive that her attention naturally landed there.
She felt a twist in her stomach when she looked, however. Victoria was looking distinctly predatory in the way she was sitting on the bed, half-naked; she’d crossed her legs, and her arms rested on the bed. She looked regal, and she looked cruel; she was clearly enjoying the interaction she was watching unfold between Laura and Gerrit— as if everything that was happening was exactly what she wanted to see; and she was only sitting back, observing and enjoying it. It reminded Laura of how hopelessly she belonged to Victoria, reminded her of what the cost of that was. She looked back to Gerrit with that heavy feeling in her.
“I’m having sex with Victoria,” she finally said, bluntly. “And I’ve been having sex with her for a long time,” she elaborated. “I love her; I can’t imagine not loving her. I love her more than you. I love her more than I love our marriage. I will always put her needs before mine, before yours, before our marriage. And that’s just the way it is, and the way it’s always going to be. Nothing you say can change that; this is just how it is. I don’t plan to stop loving her, and I don’t plan to stop fucking her, either.”
Gerrit hadn’t expected such blunt truth, it was clear. Laura didn’t blame him for that. She’d been taking a lot of pauses and delays in this interaction— he must not have thought she would ever get out and say what needed to be heard. And now their marriage was changed forever, and everything was changed forever. Laura settled in place at the edge of the bed.
“So you’re saying our marriage is finished,” Gerrit said, looking grim. “Tell me where you met Victoria— tell me who she is.”
Maybe it was so frequently being under the control of another: Laura found it impossible to disobey— it seemed more natural to her just to start speaking, just to let all of her words flow out of her, when ordered. Especially because in looking at Victoria she had seen how much Victoria wanted her to do this.
“Victoria is one of my students,” Laura explained immediately. “I met her in one of my classes— and then again in my office hours— after I met her once I already belonged to her. I always have, since then. And I always will, from this point forward.”
Gerrit shook his head. “Have you given her special treatment?”
“I’ve given her grades she didn’t deserve,” Laura spoke on. “On exams and on assignments. She doesn’t even have to do the coursework, and she gets top marks others could only envy.”
“She’s your student,” Gerrit repeated. “She’s your student?” The volume of his voice was rising, and rising quickly. “She’s your student, she’s… how old is she?”
“Eighteen,” Laure answered, dutifully.
“Over half your age!” Gerrit shouted. “And the power differential— you’re her professor, how could you take advantage of somebody disadvantaged to your power? How could you do something so unethical? How could you throw the rest of your life away for this?”
He was ranting, gesturing wildly with his hands, sometimes, working one or the other of them distractedly back through his hair.
Laura understood; how for any other student, it would be completely inappropriate to become involved as their professor, how it would be taking advantage. And maybe it was only because of how much Victoria had played around in her head— but to Laura, it was laughable to imagine Victoria as the powerless one, as the victim— Victoria had all the power, and Laura had absolutely none. But she knew Gerrit wouldn’t understand easily.
Gerrit shook his head. Then he was back to gesticulating. “You have to stop sleeping with Victoria. Nothing else needs to happen— just break up with her, stay with me, stop sleeping with her and we can forget that any of this happened. We can forget that she ever existed.”
There was wild hope in Gerrit’s eyes; and he’d been gesturing, hands, arms, everything— but had finally stopped, both arms outstretched to Laura. The way he’d held himself out to her on their wedding day at the end of Laura’s aislewalk. He was begging— pleading for the health of their marriage, pleading for their mutual future.
Laura could see the anger, and the rage, the betrayal, the hurt. She could see the past they had shared— and the future that he still hoped for. She could remember how she had loved him once— and she could remember everything that had happened between them, everything that had happened in her life to cause this moment.
“I’m not going to stop seeing Victoria,” Laura said, crushing all Gerrit’s hopes, and watching that crush happen. “or stop being with her, and I’m not going to stop sleeping with her either. I won’t stop our affair. Our marriage is done, Gerrit. It’s over.”
Gerrit looked at her, the disbelief obvious in his expression. Yet the rest of his body had seemed to accept what his face could not: there was a droop in his shoulders that only looked like resignation.
“I tried,” Gerrit said finally, as the disbelief in his face smoothed over into bitter acceptance. “I tried to save you from yourself and turn you back from the path of destruction you’re on. I tried more than you deserved. If you refuse again, I’m done.”
Still one last chance— he’d loved her a lot, Laura thought, to have given her so many chances to turn back. But she wouldn’t take this one either.
“I refuse,” she told him.
“Then I don’t have a choice.”
Gerrit turned, left the room. Laura heard his footsteps down the hallway— heard them descending the stairs, going out of the house. Then finally heard the door close with a bit of a slam; she didn’t know if he’d bothered turning the key in the lock afterwards; the sound that would make would be far too faint to travel all this way up.
She turned back to Victoria, hopefully; but it looked like Victoria was letting herself down from her metaphorical throne, so to speak. She was swinging her legs off the bed, gathering what clothes had made it off her body, putting them back on.
It wasn’t strictly speaking obedient, but Laura couldn’t help prodding at Victoria.
“Don’t I get to worship you a little more?”
“You gave perfect service in letting me watch that little scene with your husband,” Victoria said, stepping in range and stroking Laura’s face. “That effectively satisfied me. So now I’m ready to go home and rest. See you again soon.”
Then Laura was alone, left sitting on the bed; she didn’t think Gerrit was coming home, and Victoria clearly wouldn’t be staying the night. Even Sarah seemed unlikely to show up; Laura was going to have the house all to herself.
If she’d wanted someone always around, she would have needed to hold on to her marriage; Victoria was not the kind of person who would be there for Laura the way Gerrit had once been. And yet Laura loved her for this more than she’d ever loved Gerrit. She turned off the bedroom light, not bothering to go downstairs and check if the front door was locked, even. She was soon asleep, and then waking up to go on campus for another day of teaching.
It was while she was in her office, getting ready for her class of the day, that her deskphone rang.
“Professor Stanton?” A voice asked.
“This is she,” Laura replied.
“We’re calling to inform you of a complaint that’s been filed.”
“Oh?” Laura responded. It was just an impulsive reaction: she’d never gotten a call like this from the university.
“Yes, someone has filed an ethics complaint against you, so our Ethics Office will have to conduct a full investigation, to see if the complaint was justified, and to see if any disciplinary action is warranted.” It was a woman in the ethics office telling her this— she sounded completely unperturbed about relaying this information, which could potentially destroy Laura’s former life.
“Is there anything else?” Laura asked, her voice strained.
“We’d like to do a preliminary interview with you today, to kick the investigation off. Will you be free at about six o’clock tonight? We thought it would be an ideal time for you, since you’ll be done teaching for the day.”
“Yes, that’s fine,” Laura mumbled, and fumbled the phone’s receiver back into its cradle.
She sat there. And then thought of something else to do: she’d set the phone down, but scrambled it back up.
She’d dialed Victoria’s cellphone number without thinking. Victoria answered almost immediately.
“Yes?” Her tone was testy.
“Victoria, I don’t know what to do—“ Laura spilled out; she was already half-crying and desperate. She heard the sound of her own voice. “The ethics board for the university— their office— they want to investigate me, and I have to go do an interview with them at six pm tonight!”
A pause.
“Are you in your office right now?”
Laura nodded tearfully— remembered she needed to speak instead. “Yes, I’m there.”
Victoria hung up, and Laura slumped over her desk.
The consuming image of her mind was of Gerrit turning away the night before, and saying, “Then I don’t have a choice.” At the time, it had seemed he was speaking about the end of their marriage. But now it appeared in a different light. He had to have been the one to make the complaint against her— he’d been the one saying how unethical the affair with Victoria was.
Laura sat there flopped over her desk for a long time. And then suddenly, Victoria was there— the door had opened, she was there.
“Victoria,” Laura breathed, as Victoria came around the desk to stand over her. Victoria’s hand was once more to her cheek, tilting Laura’s whole head back by this hold. “I don’t know what to do,” she said, helplessly. “Tell me— what I should do—”
“Die in my eyes,” Victoria said, firmly, and Laura felt her mind, her whole being pierced through in the same second; her head arched back on her neck, and Victoria’s eyes were huge.
“You’ll do exactly as I tell you now. You know you can’t ever resist. You’re going to go to that interview and make a full confession to them. You’ll tell them everything. You won’t be able to stop yourself. You belong to me so fully you’ll ruin yourself now I’m telling you to do it.”
Laura was pierced— owned— there truly was nothing she could do.
“I have to do it,” she said. And Victoria ducked her head down to kiss Laura flush on the mouth. Then she drew back, and left the office. The sound of the door closing was the thing that brought Laura back from the depths of her death.
She had a few classes to teach that day; she taught them with a rolling stomach, all the time as she stood before them, thinking how this could be one of the last times she ever taught. And she didn’t know what she would be, what she would do, if she wasn’t teaching anymore. She didn’t know what Victoria would do with her, once the rest of her life had been destroyed, and collapsed down on itself in ruins. She wasn’t giving her best lectures, but what she was giving was acceptable. She wished the time would have passed more slowly, but because there was a dreaded event waiting at the end of her day, the time went too quickly.
Six pm came too quickly; Laura knew she was already going to be a few minutes late, but she made herself walk quickly across the campus, to reduce her approaching lateness from the worst it could possibly be to something less dramatic. She made it to the Ethics building only ten minutes past the time she was required to be there.
She didn’t think making a bad impression really mattered at this stage; there was no coming out of this investigation, and maybe not even out of this interview, without irreparably damaging her career. The pride of her life, the work of almost two decades— it couldn’t be saved.
She checked in at the reception desk— a minute later, she was being walked into the boardroom quickly, the receptionist walking her also wanting to minimize her lateness.
She sat down in the chair across from the rest of the board— there were only three other people there.
“This is preliminary, so we haven’t convened the whole board,” the woman in the middle explained to her; she said it reassuringly, with none of the callousness of the person who had called her on the phone. They hadn’t decided she was guilty before even doing the investigation; they trust her, believed highly of her, thought this must all have been some misunderstanding. Laura could see it in each of their three faces— the woman in the middle, and the two men, one on her each side. This was the ethics committee; they were probably very ethical, and very kind people.
Laura had a deeply sinking feeling, a heavily trending down sort of feeling. This isn’t going to go well, she thought to herself. This is going to go so badly. There was only dread in her body.
“We have some questions for you—” the man to the woman’s left started.
And Laura felt Victoria’s command latching in to her mind; it was inescapable— she had never felt so owned— she was destroying herself on command and squeezing her thighs together in her chair.
“You don’t need to ask questions,” Laura pre-empted. I’ll explain what happened. I’ll make a confession.”
Three startled expressions met this statement. It was Victoria’s command that made her speak, Victoria moving her mouth for her.
“I’ve been having sex with my student Victoria. I’ve given her grades she hasn’t earned. I’ve graded her higher than students who really did my coursework, graded her those kinds of grades on blank assignments and blank tests. I hid all of this from my teaching assistants; I wouldn’t let them see any of her course materials. And I’m going to keep having sex with her. And I’m going to keep grading her the same way.”
Three expressions of shock, now.
Laura pushed her chair back. “I don’t think there’s anything else for discuss. Do you?”
The woman spoke again, stony-faced. “No. We’ll need some time to collect evidence and corroborate your confession, but—”
“Then goodbye,” Laura said, and left.