Corrupting Corrine — Part 2
* * *“Hey, are you there?”
Corrine tapped her foot rhythmically and stared straight ahead. Her bangs were in her eyes, but she hadn’t noticed.
“Hey, Corrine.”
Tap, tap, tap.
Kat reached over and snapped her fingers in front of Corrine’s face, causing her to jump slightly. She laughed at herself, as much out of nervousness as humor.
“You okay?” Kat asked, suppressing a chuckle. “You know class is over, right?”
Corrine shook her head. “Sorry, I just have a lot on my mind,” she said, beginning to collect her things.
Kat stood up next to her. “You usually do,” she said. “It’s just that it’s usually school. I thought you liked bio.”
“Yeah. Sorry.” Corrine stood up and began to follow her friend out of the classroom, chancing a look at the object of her daydreaming as he disappeared into the hall. She’d been stealing glances at him all through the period. Ever since yesterday, Corrine had been looking at a lot of guys she encountered and daydreaming a lot, but this one was overwhelmingly her type. He looked intelligent—glasses, well groomed, stubble, but in good shape and dressed well. The sort of guy she could imagine being both athletically and academically active.
It was as if Kat read her mind. “If I didn’t know better I’d say you were dreaming about that guy in the front row,” she said. “Did you see him?”
“Oh, yeah, I saw him. I was thinking he was your type.”
His name is Adam, she thought. Adam Trask. Weren’t you listening when the professor was doing roll call?
“Yeah, well, you know we have the same type.”
This was true. Before Corrine started dating Brian, Kat had been pursuing him, and the result was a temporary strain on their friendship that, once they got through it, had made them closer than ever. The two were similar in many ways, even down to their style, but Kat wore her dark bangs swept to the side and tended toward high-waisted jeans and blouses over Corrine’s preference for colorful dresses and skirts.
“Well, you should say something to him next time,” Corrine suggested. Her heart beat a little faster as she realized she was partially talking to herself, and she tried to banish the thought to the back of her mind. Only, it seemed that lately, the back of her mind was the loudest part of it.
The girls emerged onto campus. “Are we still on for tomorrow night?” Kat asked.
“Yeah, as long as Brian doesn’t get stuck at work.”
“He better not.”
“Yeah, he’ll be a total asshole if he can’t make it because he has to, I don’t know, save someone’s life.”
“Just don’t make yourself a martyr.” Kat looked at her oldest friend with a loving, compassionate smile. “You do have needs too.”
“Yeah.” Corrine closed her eyes for a moment and breathed heavily, trying to steady her mind and keep the wrong thoughts out of it.
“Well, hey, worst case scenario, we’ll make it girls’ night,” Kat said. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
“Yeah, see you then.” The girls veered apart, Kat toward her next class and Corrine toward the library, which she’d never gotten around to visiting the day before. She smiled, then, as she remembered her incredible stroke of luck—landing a research assistant position with Dr. Carson, working on Sensory Stimulation Therapy technology, while still a sophomore was beyond her dreams. It may have been an informal position, but it was still an in. And, she felt a strange, almost irrational excitement about getting to do it again, even though she could not remember all that clearly what had actually been involved.
Corrine pushed the library door open and waved her student ID absentmindedly at the front counter as she passed through. Okay, what did I need again? she thought. Right. Research project for PolSci. I hate Plato.
Everyone in the class had been assigned to do a presentation on a prominent political science thinker in history, and Corrine had drawn Plato. She’d had to read his Apology in her freshman year for a classics course, and found it utterly infuriating: Socrates, she thought, deserved to be put to death just for being so full of himself. Now she had to read The Republic, which she understood was long and full of assertions that everyone should be put in their place rather than determining their own role in life. She already knew that her presentation would be filled with scathing criticism.
These were the thoughts that occupied her as she quickly and efficiently tracked down the books she needed—a copy of the source material as well as some later thinkers’ commentaries on it. Navigating a library was for Corrine almost like being back home and navigating the city; there were few environments in which she was more comfortable. Her focus was entirely on the books she was picking out until she brought them to the checkout counter and looked up.
He was older, probably a grad student. This was not exactly a downside as far as Corrine’s natural reaction was concerned. He was well-dressed, with a thick and meticulously maintained beard. He smiled as he looked up at her and her stack of books. “Did you find everything you need?” he asked.
“Yeah,” Corrine said, placing the stack on the counter in front of him.
Almost everything, she thought.
“Philosophy major?” he asked as he scanned her books.
“Uh, no,” she stammered. “Psych. But, it’s for political science, you know.”
“Ah.” He smiled. “I was a little hopeful there for a second. Philosophy majors are thinning out, and most of them just want to go to law school.”
Corrine swallowed. She knew he wasn’t flirting with her, but couldn’t help imagining that he was, and that if she flirted back he’d take her to the archives where no one else could find them, bend her over a table and fuck her while pulling her hair and holding her arms behind her back.
I love Brian, she thought. She conjured him up in her mind, and focused on her most recent pleasant memory of him. She remembered waking up next to him, the way he spooned her, the way he planted good morning kisses along her neck. But all that did was trigger the one thought she’d been desperately trying to bury:
He can’t make me come. I need a man to make me come.
“Well, you’re all set.” The man behind the counter smiled and pushed the stack of books toward her.
“Thanks,” she said, scooping them awkwardly back into her arms.
“If they convert you to philosophy, come on back and I’ll show you the good stuff,” he said with a smile.
“Okay, thanks!” Corrine rushed out of the library, her arms full, and put all her focus on taking one step after another, as far from him and his beautiful smile and stylish confidence as she could get.
But she couldn’t make it go away: He can’t make me come. I need to come.
Her footsteps began to slow, and from the back of her mind, the image began to crawl back into her consciousness: He was turning her over now, so she was looking up at him as he thrust inside her. She turned her head back as she let him position her body and use it as he wished, overcome with waves of pleasure as he filled her again and again.
Before she even realized it was happening, she had turned around and was walking back toward the library.
Come on, Corrine. Get a grip. You don’t want to cheat on Brian.
She took a few more steps.
I really, really do. I want to cheat on my boyfriend. What am I thinking? But I do.
The glass door to the library was again giving way before her, and she walked in disbelief at her own brazenness straight to the front counter.
He registered clear surprise when he saw her. “What, don’t tell me I convinced you to change majors already?” he asked with a wry smile.
“Uh, I, forgot, there was one more book I needed back in the philosophy section, but it was on the top shelf, and I couldn’t get it,” Corrine said, looking straight down at the carpet. “I was wondering if you could come back there with me and help me get it.”
“Oh, what book was that?” he asked.
“It’s... I can’t remember the title. But I know exactly where it was and what it looked like. Could you help me, please?” Corrine looked at him then, and did her best to beg with her gaze.
He looked at her quizzically, but then shrugged. “Well, lead the way, I guess,” he said, beginning to stand.
As he rose, Corrine got a good look at his figure, which only accelerated the warming between her legs. He was slim and his clothes fit his frame perfectly. He clearly worked out, and his pants were neatly pressed.
God, I want him to take anything he wants from me. Corrine led him back to the philosophy section. There, between the shelves and out of sight, she made a show of looking around. “Hmm, I thought it was here,” she said.
“Are you sure you don’t remember the name? The author, anything?”
Corrine turned around and put the stack of books she was holding down on the carpet. She could feel her heart pounding against her chest, and could not believe that she was about to do what she knew she was going to do. “I can’t remember,” she said, stepping forward.
Corrine knew she looked good that day. She had worn a red and blue patterned v-neck dress that was cut fairly low, though not so much as to give everything away. Just a hint of her breasts peeked out at the bottom of the opening. Now she ran her right hand along the fabric, presenting just a hint more, while her left pulled at the hem, raising it up above her waist. She’d worn a pair of white, lacey, tight-fitting panties that always drove Brian crazy with desire. “I don’t know,” she said. “But... but would you fuck me instead?”
Oh my god. I said it. I did it. What am I doing?
His mouth agape, he stood looking down, shifting uncomfortably in a way that Corrine intuitively understood. She looked down below his belt and saw something moving the fabric of his pants. I bet he’s big. It’s going to happen.
“I really shouldn’t,” he blurted. He reached up and scratched his hair, a pained expression on his face. “I mean, you’re very attractive, but it really wouldn’t be...”
“Take me to the archives,” Corrine insisted, pulling the hem of her dress even further up. “No one will know.”
He looked, for a moment, like he was about to say something, but he caught it as his mouth opened and then he just stared, his eyes running up and down her body. “I have a girlfriend,” he finally said. But the confident tone he’d had before was beginning to collapse. The words sounded like a desperate, last-ditch defense.
“I have a boyfriend,” said Corrine. She began to feel more comfortable. If they were both doing something wrong, somehow it was more palatable.
And then he opened his mouth again, and Corrine tensed, and waited, but when he spoke it was not what she’d expected:
“I... don’t have a condom.”
Corrine caught her breath. She hadn’t even thought about protection. All at once the impulsiveness and stupidity of what she was doing hit her, and she flushed with embarrassment. Dropping the hem of her dress, she took an enormous breath, bent down, and grabbed her pile of books.
She walked as fast as she could without breaking into a full run until she had pushed through the door and out onto campus again. She fought back tears, barely keeping her eyes open, and, awkwardly holding her books in one arm, rummaged for her phone.
Finally she passed a bench along the side of the path and sat down, letting the books drop unceremoniously at her side, and began to compose a text. It was going to be the greatest, most heartfelt text she’d ever written. She was going to explain to Brian about the emotional difficulties she’d been having lately, and how much she wanted to talk through them because of how deeply she loved him.
She got about two sentences in before she began thinking about months of sex without orgasms and unfulfilled fantasies about other men, and promptly deleted everything.
She sat on the bench, gazing out over the campus, her phone hanging from her limp hand, and watched the endless stream of students pass her by. Exhausted with trying to control it, she began to let her mind wander. And as it wandered, it pulled her with it. Her eyes drifted over the campus, barely registering the things she saw, until something snagged her attention just a little as her eyes passed over it:
Brenner Hall. She squinted at the words over the awning across the path from her, trying to recall where she’d heard them recently. When the memory finally returned, it rushed to the forefront of her mind.
“Okay, since it’s our first day of class, as I call role let’s all just briefly introduce ourselves,” Professor Long had said that morning. He called forgettable names, and students forgettably introduced themselves, until he got to the one Corrine had been eyeing: “Adam Trask?”
“Uh, yeah, I’m Adam,” he’d said as Corrine had stared at him from the corner of her eye. “I live in Brenner hall, and...”
Corrine began to move almost automatically. She was tired of thinking. The rest of the campus disappeared around her as she honed in on the entrance of the dorm, ignoring the weight of her books as she lugged them toward her target. Finally she reached the glass doors, and awkwardly yanked one open.
The man behind the desk, a bookish looking fellow who was leaning back and fiddling with something on a tablet, looked up at her as she entered and raised his eyebrows. She set the books down on the counter with a thunk, and spoke without taking time to catch her breath.
“Hi,” she said. “I’m wondering if you can help me. I’m looking for Adam Trask, but I don’t know if he’s in right now.”
“Is he expecting you?” the man asked.
“Yeah,” said Corrine. “See, we’re supposed to work on something for bio, but I’m an idiot and I lost his number. I’m really sorry to ask, but do you think you could just tell me his room number, and I’ll see if he’s there?” Corrine delivered this line with her best winning smile and leaned forward slightly. She was momentarily surprised at how easily being deceptive came when she gave it a try.
“Well, I suppose so,” the man said, with a furtive glance down at her chest. “He’s in room 371. It’s on the third floor.”
“Thank you so much.” Corrine beamed at him as she began to pick up her stack again.
“Do you need some help with those?” the man asked, starting to rise from his chair.
“Oh, thank you, but no, I’ve got it.” Corrine proceeded quickly toward the elevator, before he could object. She had to glance back and smile awkwardly at him a couple times while she waited for it, doing her best to look like the books were light and no trouble at all.
He’s probably not even in. What the hell are you doing, Corrine?
She had already knocked on the door to room 371 when this thought passed through her mind, so there was no going back now: if he was in, and he opened the door to find her simply walking away, she’d be so mortified with embarrassment she’d probably drop out of school and fly home.
Yet she still went completely red when the door opened and Adam stood before her, looking her up and down with a puzzled expression. “Uh, hi,” he said.
Though vaguely annoyed by the contrast of his dumbfounded expression to the librarian’s calm eloquence, she found him as beautiful as ever. “Hi, I know we haven’t met, but I’m Corrine Matthews,” she said. “We’re in bio together. Uh, I was wondering if you could help me study. You seem like you really got everything.”
Adam scratched his thick hair and looked dumbfounded. “What?” was all he said.
Corrine did her best to stifle a groan. “Uh, look, these are really heavy,” she said, glancing down at the stack of books in her arms. “Could you give me a hand?”
“Well, yeah.” Adam immediately reached for the books. She’d guessed he would not be able to resist a chance to carry something heavy for a girl.
“Thank you,” she said, genuinely relieved to be rid of the weight. “Are you going to invite me in?”
“I guess.” Adam backed up, holding the books, and Corrine stepped into the room. It was predictably, though still disappointingly messy. The beds, at least, were clear and uncluttered.
Adam managed to find a clear spot on a dresser by the door. “So what did you need help with, exactly?” he asked as he placed the books down.
“You’ve got condoms, right?” Corrine looked him straight on, doing her best to conceal the acceleration of her heartbeat and resist the redness she knew was filling her cheeks.
“What?” He was dumbfounded again.
“That’s how I need you to help.” Corrine took a step toward him, looking downward to avoid melting with embarrassment. “You have them, right?”
“I... yeah,” he stammered. “But, uh...”
“What? You don’t want to?” Corrine still looked downward, but she tried to stand up straighter and show off her figure.
“I, yeah, of course I do. But I mean, my roommate’s gonna be back really soon, I think.”
“Then you better hurry up.”
Corrine stepped forward and pressed her fingers against the crotch of his pants. She could immediately feel him hardening underneath.
“Holy shit,” he said under his breath. “You’re crazy.”
“You want to, right?”
“Yeah, yeah...” he turned to the dresser on which he’d laid Corrine’s books and pulled open the top drawer, scrambling through loose socks and underwear for what Corrine could only assume was a box of condoms. She continued to stroke him, afraid for some reason that he’d go soft if he took too long finding the box.
Why am I worried about that? As soon as Corrine had the thought, memories came rushing back to her of her first time with Brian. Both of them had struggled awkwardly in his car, figuring it out as they went along, and it took him so long to get the condom on that he’d started to soften. It was a short-lived problem, and not one that they’d ever had again. But it stuck in her memory, and now, at the worst possible moment, thoughts of Brian were flooding her mind again. Shame and fear welled up in the pit of her stomach.
Why am I doing this? she asked herself. Because I need someone to make me come. He can’t make me come.
She thought back again to the night in the car when she’d lost her virginity. Did I really not come that night? She searched her memories, but the orgasm wasn’t there, which sent a fresh surge of longing through her.
Adam was now unzipping his pants, having successfully pulled a condom from his drawer. As his erection was freed, Corrine grasped it instinctively. She wanted it harder and longer. It was big enough for her to grasp all the way around and stroke up and down without her hand slipping off, which she found satisfactory.
He moved in to kiss her, beginning to reach for her shoulders, but she backed off, lifting her dress and falling back onto his bed. “Hurry,” she said. “You said your roommate is coming back.”
“Yeah, right,” Adam said, sounding a little disappointed to be rushed. He frantically began applying the condom, while Corrine slid her panties down her legs and onto the floor. She then placed her feet on the bed with her legs spread, and began to stroke her clit in circular motions, which she was pleased to notice made Adam’s eyes go wide and his jaw drop slightly.
“Come on,” she urged. He obliged instantly, rushing to the edge of the bed and grasping her by her thighs. As he entered her she felt a thrill rush from her legs through her whole body, one she could only have described as electric.
I’m cheating on Brian, was the thought that accompanied it. Oh, god, what the fuck am I doing?
But the coherence of her thoughts was quickly demolished as Adam began to fuck her. Though awkward and full of boyish excitement, as opposed to the expertise and control she’d have preferred, he was young and strong and sizeable enough to give her what she wanted. And she wanted more.
“Fuck me harder,” she demanded through gasping breath. She continued to self-stimulate as he quickened his pace, emitting an unsexy grunt as he did so.
Though every inch of her seemed on fire with satiation, Corrine did not yet feel an orgasm coming on, and as Adam continued to fuck her as hard as he could she heard him breathing more heavily, and worried he might begin to lose steam before she’d gotten what she needed. ”Don’t stop,” she commanded. The fierceness in her voice shocked her, but she was too delirious with her desire to climax to think about it.
She pulled her head back, shut her eyes and gritted her teeth, stroking her clit faster and emitting a moan that seemed to give Adam a temporary renewal of energy. Just as he began to speed up again, though, he stopped all at once.
Corrine surprised herself with her own anger as she opened her eyes and sprang up to see what the problem was, but that emotion was replaced almost instantly with a seizing up in her chest. The door had opened, and another boy, presumably Adam’s roommate, stood in its empty frame.
He looked away sharply after an intense two-second stare at Corrine. “Come on, man, we worked out times for this,” he complained.
“Sorry, man.” Adam was desperately trying to put his boxers on.
Yet Corrine, to her own surprise, did not instantly reach for the bed sheet to cover herself. Instead she was examining the roommate. He was stockier than Adam, with an almost bear-like build, and thick curly hair. He was not Corrine’s type. But suddenly, as the darkest idea she’d ever had crept into her mind, that seemed not to matter so much.
She sat straight up, reached out and stopped Adam as he attempted to pull his boxers up. She began to stroke his half-softened erection over his condom, and felt it beginning to return to its former state almost immediately. “It’s okay,” she said, looking at Adam’s roommate. “He can fuck me too.”
The boys looked at each other as if seeking approval. “This girl’s crazy,” Adam said, almost apologetically. His roommate was already looking back at Corrine, though, and running his eyes along her.
“Are you cool with it?” he asked.
“Yeah, I guess.” Adam groaned immediately after stammering the words, as Corrine picked up the pace at which she was stroking him.
“Get a condom,” she instructed. Adam was already reinsterting himself between her legs, and she learned her head back, delirious with satisfaction. “Don’t stop until he’s ready.”
Adam went back to his previous pace as his roommate stood at the edge of the bed, undoing his pants with one hand and dangling a condom with the other. Corrine watched him as he stroked himself, quickly growing to full length, and she felt a thrill shoot up her spine as she realized he was visibly larger than Adam. As soon as he’d got the condom stretched along his erection, she demanded, “give him a turn.”
Adam somewhat reluctantly pulled out, and his roommate grabbed Corrine by the legs, yanking her toward the end of the bed. She surprised herself by squealing with delight at the feeling of being pulled around. When he began to enter her, she surprised herself again by moaning louder than she knew she was capable.
As his roommate began to fuck her, Adam climbed onto the bed next to her, stroking his erection, and pulled his condom off. “Will you suck it while he fucks you?” he asked.
“No,” Corrine snapped, her eyes shut tight. The boy whose name she did not even know was filling her to an extent she’d never felt before, and she was vaguely annoyed at the interruption.
“Come on, I’ll go soft,” Adam insisted, shifting closer to her.
“Just jerk yourself off,” she argued. She did not come to his room to suck anything, only to get her orgasm.
“Oh, fuck,” Adam’s roommate muttered. “I might cum already.”
Corrine growled in frustration and reached out for Adam’s erection. “Fine, do what you have to,” she groaned. She was getting close, but was afraid she’d miss her chance.
Adam did not wait for any more words of approval. He yanked off his condom and his member was in her mouth before she’d finished her sentence. Her annoyance was drowned out by continuing arousal as she felt an orgasm begin to approach.
“Oh my god,” Adam’s roommate groaned. He was not slowing down despite his imminent premature ejaculation. “Where did you find this slut?”
Corrine was immediately furious at being called a slut in response to her generosity, but she felt no less aroused, and even found her anger exciting. She reached down and began to stroke her clit as she was fucked from both ends, and she gagged on Adam as she tried to moan in ecstacy. It was coming. She was coming.
The orgasm seemed to last forever. She did not care that she was gagging or that she’d been verbally degraded. The orgasm was everything. Her thighs shook and her heart raced and her free hand clenched the sheets desperately.
Her mouth was suddenly warm and salty. She felt Adam’s semen flooding it, and without room to spit it anywhere, she grudgingly swallowed, feeling it coat her throat as it went down. She could no longer tell which parts of her escalating heartbeat were due to anger and which due to excitement. The emotions melded together and overtook her. Her back arched, she clenched the bed so tightly it felt like her muscles would burst. Adam’s roommate was practically roaring as he came.
When the boys pulled out, she was still stroking her clit, breathing heavily, and emitting soft whimpers.
Who am I?
“What about personal responsibility, though?”
The boy had not raised his hand. He’d simply blurted the question out. Corrine didn’t remember him saying anything in class before that point, and wasn’t sure of his name, but she didn’t care about that or his question. She had other things on her mind, primarily the heavy, sick feeling in her stomach that she’d had since she woke up that morning next to Brian.
Dr. Carson made a brief hand gesture. “Well, why don’t you elaborate?” he suggested. “Tell us what you think personal responsibility has to do with it.”
“Well, I mean, the way you’re describing it, it’s like people are robots,” the boy said. “Like, if I get exposed to something enough, my brain just automatically develops an addiction, and then I automatically keep seeking it out. But like, if that’s true, then how are people responsible for their own behavior? Shouldn’t people have the willpower to resist it?”
Dr. Carson looked out over the class. “Well, does anyone have a response to Matt’s question?” he asked. There was silence. He smiled and nodded. “I figured it was worth a shot. Well, Matt, to your question, I suppose I’d raise another question. Where are you?”
“What?” Matt looked around the room, as if trying to ascertain the answer.
“Where are you?” Dr. Carson repeated.
“I’m... in McAllister Hall.”
“No, not where are you... where are you?“
“I don’t understand, Dr. Carson.”
“Are you up there?” Dr. Carson pointed out the window toward the sky.
“I’m right here,” said Matt. “What does this have to do with my question?”
“What is your brain, Matt? Is it something separate from you, that you control remotely?”
“I don’t get it.”
Dr. Carson stepped away from the podium and began to walk with his hands clenched behind his back. “There is a feeling we commonly have that we are fighting with our own brains,” he said. “We want one thing, but our brain wants another. Our insidious brain floods itself with chemicals which confuse us. We pit our willpower, this vague concept we have, against its biological reactions to stimuli, and if we’re strong we win this war against our brains, but if we’re weak our brains control us. Is this really what you believe is happening with addiction, Matt?”
Matt had no response, so Dr. Carson continued.
“The truth we so often do not want to face is that we are our brains. We do not fight with them. We perceive ourselves this way as a method of rationalization. We are told certain things are unacceptable, and this instills in us a great fear of certain behaviors, so when our natural desire is to engage in those behaviors, we create this false mental structure in which we are some disembodied, nonphysical entity imprisoned within our brains, and any engagement with what the world tells us not to do is simply a failing of willpower, not really us.“
Corrine tapped her pencil nervously, which emitted the only sound in the entire lecture hall. Then the bell rang.
“Well, that’s quite a note to leave things on,” Dr. Carson said, though his words were drowned by the sounds of students cramming books into bags and sliding out of seats.
Corrine remembered, then, what was next, and immediately felt her heart rate quicken. Her upcoming research session with Dr. Carson was not just a chance to continue pursuing what she wanted to be her life’s work. It was a chance to forget what she could not get her brain to stop thinking about.
As she had done two days ago, Corrine lingered while those around her scrambled to exit the room. She was still looking down and silent by the time things had mostly cleared out and she approached Dr. Carson.
“Ready to get back to work, Corrine?” he asked.
She nodded.
“Is everything alright?” Dr. Carson was picking up his own bag and giving Corrine an inquisitive look. “You seem pretty distracted.”
Corrine nodded. “I am... but I’m fine, really.” She knew it wasn’t just distracted that she looked. She’d barely slept the previous night, and hadn’t bothered with her usual care in choosing an outfit that morning. She was wearing a plain black short-sleeved shirt and a pair of blue jeans, with her hair tied back in a ponytail. Her eyes were almost permanently half-shut, making her even closer to blind than her overgrown bangs usually did.
“Are you sure? If you’re not feeling up to it, I don’t want to pressure you into anything.”
“I think it would be good for me to put my mind on something else.” Corrine looked up at him then, finding herself deeply disturbed at the idea that she might fail to assist him.
He nodded. “Well, after you, then,” he said.
They stepped into the hallway and began the walk to Dr. Carson’s office. Corrine felt deeply awkward as she walked in silence, unable to think of anything she could say that would fill the emptiness in the air.
Dr. Carson did not seem remotely uncomfortable at the quiet, though. He walked her down the hall looking straight ahead, and when they reached his office door and he opened it to let her in, she felt his hand on her back as she went through the doorframe, gently guiding her. A brief sensation of discomfort at the gesture was engulfed by a tidal wave of excitement flooding her brain at his direction.
“We got a lot of excellent data during our first session,” Dr. Carson said as he approached his desk. “We’re going to do something similar to compare the results this time and then see if we can move on to more robust testing in the future.” He turned the chair to face Corrine and looked at her pointedly. “Ready to begin?”
Corrine nodded and approached the desk, apprehension and excitement building within her. She could not remember what it was like to be in the program. Only that she knew it would be an escape from her feelings.
Corrine felt like every moment of her life since she’d last been adrift in the strange, peaceful world of the program was a dream she was only now returning from. She felt immediately at home, allowing the shifting colors and pleasantly arching tones to fill her vision and her mind and enjoying the euphoric feeling that came with them. She was briefly aware that she’d felt uncomfortable, almost sick about something before, but whatever feeling had been present in the pit of her stomach was gone.
“Can you hear me, Corrine?” Dr. Carson’s familiar voice was all around her, and filled her with an urgent but not unpleasant need to follow instructions.
“Yes,” she said.
“Good. We are beginning our second session. Are you comfortable?”
“Yes.”
“It is very important that you listen closely to whatever I tell you, and that you follow my instructions exactly. Are you okay with that?”
“Yes.”
“During our first session, we made good progress. Do you remember what you learned?”
Corrine tried to think back on the specifics of her previous session, but thoughts seemed to slip away when she tried to pull them up. She knew that she knew the answer to Dr. Carson’s question, but she needed to be guided to it. “I can’t remember yet,” she said.
“That’s okay, Corrine. We talked about your relationship with your boyfriend. How is your relationship?”
“It’s… frustrating,” Corrine said. Thoughts were readily coming to her now of Brian, and of her sexual disappointment in him. Another thought was not far from the edge of her consciousness, but would not yet reveal itself.
“Why is it frustrating?” Dr. Carson asked.
“He can’t make me come,” said Corrine.
“And what does that make you want to do?”
“It makes me want to cheat on him.” Corrine was beginning to get the sick feeling back in her stomach, though in contrast with the still euphoric sensations swimming through her head.
“Have you cheated on your boyfriend, Corrine?”
Corrine hesitated. Something in her did not want this question to come to her. But she felt an insurmountable urge to answer when Dr. Carson questioned her, and her mind pulled up the memory of Adam and his roommate fucking her. She remembered each of them inside her, then the feeling of anger and excitement she’d had with Adam in her mouth, and the orgasm. Her thighs began to quiver slightly, and something in her throbbed. She felt sick and aroused and equal, and escalating measure.
“Yes,” she whimpered.
There was a pause before Dr. Carson followed up the question. “Who was it?” he finally asked.
“A boy from my bio class,” Corrine stammered. The mass of shifting colors and tones she was encapsulated in seemed to be growing in intensity as her emotions did. “And his roommate.”
“When?” asked Dr. Carson.
“Yesterday.”
“Did both of them fuck you?”
“Yes.”
“Did you come?”
“Yes.”
“Did you perform felatio?”
Corrine shifted uncomfortably. “A bit,” she said.
“You didn’t want to, did you?”
“No.” She briefly tried to forget the experience of having Adam inside her mouth and the taste when he came in it, but the memory would not go. It filled her mind. And yet, it was not the source of the heaviness in her stomach.
“But you got what you wanted, Corrine.” Dr. Carson’s voice was still soothing and its omnipresence in her perception helped, but she still felt something wrong. “You are in a state of distress, even though you got what you wanted. Why is that?”
Corrine tried to focus on her emotions, to understand them, but all was fog and mist. “I can’t think,” she confessed.
“Do you feel guilty, Corrine?”
At the word guilty, the heaviness in her stomach tightened, and she knew it was the word she’d been searching for. “Yes,” she said.
“Why do you feel guilty about cheating on your boyfriend, if that’s what you wanted?”
The question brought Brian to the forefront of her mind, allowing her to focus on him, and she knew the answer. The clarity was a kind of relief, yet it only served to intensify the discomfort deep within her. “Because I love him,” she said.
“Everything is going to be alright, Corrine.” Dr. Carson’s voice enveloped her, its tone reassuring and soothing.
“Everything is going to be alright,” she repeated without thinking.
“I want you to focus on your memory of cheating on your boyfriend,” Dr. Carson instructed. “You will feel guilty, but it’s okay. Let yourself feel it. It is just a feeling like any other. Don’t think about anything else. Just remember.”
Corrine’s mind drifted through the memory. Her stomach tightened again, but she did not fight the feeling.
“Now, let the feeling of guilt wash over you completely,” Dr. Carson continued. “Think of nothing, only let yourself feel guilty. You see nothing, hear nothing, remember nothing.”
As Dr. Carson spoke, the pulsating colors and tones that enveloped Corrine began to shift into new and unique patterns, duller and slower than before. She let her feelings consume her. She was a bad person. Selfish, unfaithful. She would have to face Brian someday and tell him this, and see the pain in his eyes. She did not even know why anymore. But she knew she had done something horrible.
“Do you feel it?” Dr. Carson asked.
“Yes.” Corrine squeaked the word out, so engulfed by her shame that she could barely find the motivation.
“You must feel tremendously guilty right now, Corrine. But everything is going to be okay. I want you to store in your mind this experience you’re having right now, exactly as it is. This is your guilt, Corrine. It is here, and here only. Do you understand?”
Corrine was not sure she understood. “My guilt is only here,” she mused.
“Yes. This is where you feel guilty. You must not forget this state.”
“I won’t,” said Corrine. She knew the words must be true, and so she focused her mind entirely on the sensations pulsing through her mind and the get-wrenching feelings within her.
“Now, clear your mind.” Dr. Carson’s voice grew in intensity as he gave this instruction, and Corrine found herself almost compelled to follow it, for as he did so the world around her began to shift again, the colors growing more vibrant and the tones more musical. Almost immediately, as if time had not even passed, Corrine realized she did not know what she’d been feeling. She knew only that she was pleased not to feel it, and that the gentle, aimless euphoria which now filled her head was welcome.
“How do you feel?” asked Dr. Carson.
“Good,” Corrine said, a smile creeping over her face.
“Excellent,” said Dr. Carson. “You’re doing a very good job, Corrine. We are making real progress.”
Corrine felt a surge of pleasure at the approval.
“Now, you were telling me before about how you recently cheated on your boyfriend,” said Dr. Carson.
Corrine immediately thought again of Adam and his roommate. Her mind went first to her orgasm, that prize she’d craved so long, and her smile widened. “Yes,” she said.
“How does it make you feel to think about that experience?” Dr. Carson asked.
“Good,” said Corrine. “Good, I… I want to do it again.” Corrine felt something was almost missing from the experience as she said the words, but she felt no other strong emotions even as she searched for them.
“But there is something you would change about it, isn’t there?”
Corrine’s thoughts then turned again to the taste and texture of Adam and his semen. “I don’t want him in my mouth again,” she said.
“What don’t you like about it?”
“I don’t like the taste, or the feeling in my mouth.”
“We will need to focus on this, Corrine. We must ensure that you will always fully enjoy cheating on your boyfriend.”
Corrine unconsciously smiled. Just the insinuation that she could cheat on Brian and experience nothing but pleasure filled her with excitement. “Yes,” she said.
“You do want to keep doing that, don’t you?”
“Yes.” The word came out of her mouth thoughtlessly.
“I want you to focus on that desire for me, Corrine.” Dr. Carson’s gentle but insistent voice filled Corrine’s mind with an urgent need to follow it. She thought intensely about having Adam inside her again. Or his roommate. Or anyone. Anyone who could make her orgasm. She quivered with urgent need.
“Do you feel excited, Corrine?” asked Dr. Carson.
“Yes.”
“Concentrate on that feeling. There is nothing else.” As Dr. Carson spoke, Corrine’s euphoria-inducing surroundings began to intensify, escalating the pleasing sensations wafting through her mind in sync with her sexual excitement.
“Yes.” She nearly moaned the word.
The colors and soundscapes in which Corrine seemed to float were now coalescing into parallel, rhythmic patterns. No longer did they seem to drift unpredictably and slide away from direct examination, but instead they formed a solid, reassuring pattern that Corrine could not help but be wholly absorbed by. The pattern seemed to in some way connect with and mirror the intense pleasure she felt.
“Remember this sensation, Corrine. Hold on to it.”
“Yes.”
“Now, clear your mind.”
Dr. Carson delivered this instruction with a compelling finality, and Corrine urgently did so, as if she’d learned to do it reflexively; the clear and ordered pattern around her fell apart and she went back to drifting, feeling vaguely pleasant and open to guidance, but with no memory of what she’d just felt.
“Now, Corrine, this will be unpleasant, but it is very important for our work to continue. You must trust my voice and follow my instructions. Right, Corrine?”
“Yes.” Corrine replied with absolute certainty.
“You are a very good student.”
She felt a momentary thrill at the acknowledgement.
“Now, I need you to think back on having giving head yesterday,” Dr. Carson instruced. “I need you to remember it in perfect detail. Go over the entire experience in your mind as exquisitely as you can. You will do this for me, won’t you?”
“Yes,” said Corrine. There was resentment in her, somewhere in the back of her mind, but she was so deeply overwhelmed with desire for Dr. Carson’s approval that it was completely overridden.
She remembered every sensation of having Adam inside her mouth. The way it felt when he entered it, and when he pushed in as far as she could take it. The way it felt when she sucked on it. The way it felt when he came in her mouth, and the way it tasted. The way it felt on her skin when it spilled out of her mouth.
Then her surroundings began to shift again. They returned almost instantly to the pleasant, ordered pattern she’d been engulfed in a moment ago, and with them returned her intensely thrilling feelings of arousal.
“What are you thinking about, Corrine?” came Dr. Carson’s voice.
“I’m… thinking about giving a blowjob.” Corrine found herself almost uncomprehending as the words came out, but it was true. She felt greater and greater stimulation as she focused on her memory of having Adam’s erection in her mouth.
“How is that making you feel?”
“I feel…” Corrine’s mind struggled to verbalize what she knew she was feeling. It seemed wrong, but she could only arrive at one means of describing it. It didn’t feel like her, but it came as naturally as her breathe. “I feel so horny,” she said.
“What’s making you feel horny?”
“I guess… I guess thinking about giving a blowjob.” Corrine could almost feel her mouth filled up with warm flesh, thrusting into her throat. She could taste semen. Her thighs began to shake.
“So what does this make you want to do, Corrine?”
“Suck dick,” she said without thinking.
“Do you want to suck your boyfriend’s dick?”
Corrine thought of Brian, then. But the thought was not enticing. She asked herself why, but knew the answer instantly. Because she wanted to cheat on Brian. And it occurred to her she could do two things she desperately wanted at once.
“No,” she said. And she was shocked to discover it was a decisive no, without hesitation, and without conflict.
“So tell me what it is you want to do,” Dr. Carson commanded.
“I want to cheat on Brian by sucking other guys’ dicks.” Corrine’s breath escalated as she said the words.
All at once, the euphoria-inducing pattern Corrine was surrounded by dissipated, morphing back into the vague but enjoyable waves of sensation she could not keep track of. Time seemed to evaporate again. She drifted, feeling a kind of calm acceptance of the thrilling eagerness that filled every inch of her body. She did not remember exactly what they were aimed at, but it did not matter. She felt entirely comfortable with them.
And then she was awake. The blank screen of Dr. Carson’s computer sat before her, and she felt the thick headphones attached to it being removed from her ears.
“How do you feel?” Dr. Carson asked.
“Uh… good,” said Corrine. Her heart began to race as she thought about how she actually felt. She swallowed hard. Her mouth seemed to be crying out for something warm inside it.
“I think we had a really productive session there,” Dr. Carson said. “You agree, I’m sure.”
“Yes,” said Corrine. She felt, as it seemed she always did, an irresistible urge to follow whatever direction he gave.
He placed a hand on her shoulder. “We will have our next session Friday,” he instructed. “I will need you to be here right after class at the same time.”
“Okay, yes,” said Corrine.
That evening, Corrine shuddered and collapsed onto her pillow as she finished bringing herself to climax for the second time in an hour. She had not been able to stop thinking about giving blowjobs ever since she left school, and having arrived home found herself ignoring her homework to reach for the drawer where she kept her vibrator.
Her breathing was just beginning to slow as she heard the front door opening. She found herself uncharacteristically disappointed that Brian was home earlier than she’d expected—she had been seriously considering going out somewhere in search of a cute boy to give head to, and had only been resisting because she still didn’t understand where the unexpected urge was coming from. She was startlingly ambivalent about the fact that she’d be doing it behind Brian’s back.
But she knew, of course, she needed to quickly throw her clothes back on and greet him as normal. He was not accustomed to coming home and finding her a quivering post-orgasm mess, but rather the studious bookworm that he—and until recently, she—knew her as.
She threw on a long black t-shirt from her top drawer in a hurry and pulled her panties back on. She decided to skip hunting for a bottom; it wouldn’t be abnormal for her to be walking around without pants when at home.
When she emerged from the bedroom, she found not just Brian, but his friend and coworker, Jake, in the kitchen. Jake was a bit older than Brian, had a dark complexion and a shaved head, and was extremely muscular; though undoubtedly a good looking guy, he was not Corrine’s type and she’d never been very attracted to him. In her current state, though, she found herself overwhelmed with a desire to drop to her knees in front of him the moment she saw him.
Why now? she thought. But it was almost immediately clear to her. I want to suck a dick and I want to cheat on Brian. I can get those things from any guy.
And then: What the hell am I thinking? But the thought seemed to make no less sense than it had a moment ago.
Then, of course, she remembered she wasn’t wearing pants, and flushed with embarrassment.
“Oh, sorry,” she said.
“Uh, sorry,” said Jake. He turned away quickly, though she noticed he took a solid glance along her legs and between them before doing so.
She rushed back into the bedroom, muttering under her breath. It was an incredibly stupid move. Brian always texted her in advance when he was bringing a friend over, but she’d forgotten her phone existed since she’d gotten home. After quickly pulling a pair of sweatpants on, she took a deep breath and attempted to lower her heart rate.
When she came out again, Brian smiled like nothing had happened. “Hey, babe,” he said. She came over and kissed him gently on the mouth.
“Hey,” she said. Then, sheepishly glancing at Jake, she added, “sorry, I didn’t realize you were bringing Jake over.”
“Yeah, I texted you like an hour ago,” Brian said.
“I’m sorry, I was so into reading I haven’t even looked at my phone.”
“Heh, big surprise.” Brian kissed her on the cheek.
“Did you guys save anybody’s life today?” Corrine asked.
“Nah. Only one call, and the guy was fine by the time we arrived. Wouldn’t go to the hospital.”
“Oh, Kat was telling me the other day that people still get billed by the ambulance company when they do that, and their insurance won’t pay for it because they didn’t go.” Corrine frowned, feeling bad for whoever was destined to receive the bill.
“Yeah, that’s what I’ve heard,” said Brian.
“So what are you guys up to?” Corrine asked, turning to Jake. Jake didn’t quite look directly at her.
“We were thinking of just watching a movie,” Brian replied with a shrug. “We’re both beat. Actually, I think I’m gonna grab a shower.”
“Oh, okay.” Corrine looked directly at Jake, who immediately looked away.
“Gonna join?” Brian asked as he headed down the hall toward the bathroom.
“Yeah, I guess so,” said Corrine.
“Figure out something to watch while I’m gone. I don’t care what it is.” Brian disappeared down the hall.
Corrine stared at the table for a moment. There was, she quickly decided, little point in debating whether or not she should do what she knew perfectly well she was about to do. She looked up at Jake.
“How’s it going?” he asked.
“Did you like what you saw?” she asked.
He said nothing, so she continued. “Want another look?”
“I… don’t think I should,” Jake stammered. The stammer told her everything she needed to know.
I know I should feel bad about this, she thought. I just… don’t. I don’t know where the guilt is. She pulled her sweatpants down, and stepped out of them while pulling her shirt over her shoulders at the same time.
Jake was silent, but his breathing was audible as she stepped toward him in nothing but her panties. “Brian takes pretty fast showers,” she said. “So we probably only have time for me to blow you. But we should figure out a time to meet later so you can fuck me too.”
Dropping to her knees, she felt Jake’s body relax with emotional surrender as she began to undo his belt. When he sprang up in front of her, she took him in with a kind of enthusiasm she’d never had for giving head before, and felt every inch of her body tense with ecstatic thrills as her lips wrapped around him. She immediately went as far down his shaft as she could, feeling her throat tense as his head invaded it, and she emitted a muffled moan of pleasure as she began to gag.
I feel like I’ve gone so far down, she thought. But something tells me I can go further.