Tell Me A Secret
“Tell me a secret”
“You are completely comfortable talking to me about anything and everything; no topic of conversation I bring up is ever anything but completely acceptable, unremarkable, and of course great fun to talk about.”
“That’s not a secret! You’re my best friend—the one who’s always there for me come rain or shine. Of course I’m comfortable talking to you. You said you’d tell me a secret!”
“Tights are far less comfortable than stockings.”
“I knew that already—tell me one I don’t know!”
“When women wear stockings they feel attractive and sexy.”
“Duh. Are you at home to mister dim today? That’s been known since time immemorial. Try again.”
“OK. Uh... you can’t stand underwear that doesn’t make you feel attractive and sexy; you’d rather wear no underwear than something bland. After all, in the right circumstances no underwear definitely makes you feel hot—like not wearing knickers with stockings, for example.”
“You’re going to have to try harder than that—this is women’s weekly stuff—everyone knows stockings look better with no knickers.”
“Feeling sexy makes you horny.”
“Fail—foreplay 101: if you don’t feel sexy how can you possibly get turned on?”
“But you feel so attractive that you are constantly horny—in fact your cunt is dripping for half the day.”
“Some ground rules here. Please don’t use the ‘c’ word. It’s my Pussy. The ‘c’ word is foul and pejorative.”
“You don’t have to dissemble with me. ‘Cunt’ is a really hot and horny word. You may not be able to use it in polite society but it’s the word you use in private, and we’re in private here.”
“Notwithstanding that, this is still not rocket science. Every girl’s cunt is wet when they’re turned on. You haven’t told me anything new yet.”
“What are you doing—it looks like you have a wasp in your cardigan?”
“Wha-? Oh—you’re asking a question. I thought it was another feeble attempt at a secret. I wasn’t thinking straight when I got dressed this morning—I’ve put on a dreadful bra. I’m just getting it off. The ability to take off your bra whilst fully clothed is a natural female talent, but it does make you look a bit like a contortionist whilst you’re doing it. Don’t mind me—carry on.”
“You like flashing me.”
“It’s fun and you’re harmless. Nothing new here.”
“You keep your cunt-hair neatly trimmed to a little triangle just above your lips”
“Of course I do—I need to look good when I’m flashing you. Mind you it’s extremely overdue for a shave right now. Next.”
“You masturbate at least once a day, and usually two or three times.”
“You would too if you felt horny all day long. What am I saying? You’re a bloke. You’re bound to feel horny all day long. I’ll bet you wank several times a day, don’t you?”
“Uh -”
“Ha! Guilty as charged. I’m still waiting for something interesting. Try again.”
“When you’re masturbating, you fantasize about me.”
“You’re never going to dump me, and I’m never going to date you, so you’re a safe subject. Next.”
“You have a plan to try and masturbate on the couch right beside me without me noticing next time we rent out a movie.”
“It’s just too tempting for words—the thought of getting off right next to the object of my fantasies is a massive turn on. Doing it without you noticing is going to be a damned sight harder now you know about it though. Next.”
“Now that I know about it there’s no need to do it in secret. Having me watch will be a huge turn on.”
“That’s not even attempting to be a secret, but it’s a damned good point. You’d better choose something I don’t mind missing next time I come round to watch a film.”
“Why wait until then? Even if you’re not aiming for an orgasm, you do like to play with your cunt, and one huge advantage of me being your best friend is that you can do that in front of me any time you feel like it—which is most of the time—without being embarrassed.”
“I don’t know if I’ve ever said this, but I really appreciate the closeness of our relationship. It lets me be myself without feeling threatened. Anyhow, while I take my knickers off can you get back to secrets please? Of which, by the way, you’ve still completely failed to tell me even one.”
“When someone tries to feel you up, you view it as a compliment.”
“What on earth would you expect me to view it as? They wouldn’t be trying it if they didn’t fancy me.”
“Turning that on its head, the fact that I’ve never tried to cop a feel really annoys you. It’s like an ongoing insult to your dress sense and desirability.”
“For God’s sake—if you fucking know that, why have you never done anything about it? It’s the single biggest thing that annoys me about you.”
“I can only apologise—I didn’t realise until tonight. I’ve got a lot of catching up to do. Here—move closer and sit with your back to me. That way I can give your tits a good workout whilst you carry on wanking”
“Ohhhhh. That’s much better. I suppose I’ll forgive you. So long as you don’t stop. Now: back to the secret please.”
“Being groped is one of many things that turns you on.”
“Well of course it does. A compliment about my sexuality and my erogenous zones being stimulated simultaneously. It’s unavoidable, really. Have another go.”
“You almost always orgasm when a bloke cums on your face or tits, or in any of your orifices.”
“’Orifices’? ’Orifices’?? What sort of a word is ‘Orifices’! It sounds like something from a BBC sitcom!”
“Sorry. I should have said holes. You think of them to yourself as your three fuckholes”
“Although I’ve never done anal. It’s too...dirty”
“Even so you know you would have a major orgasm if a man did cum up your arse. Even the thought of it gets your cunt juices running. That’s why you want to start experimenting anally. With the right man, of course.”
“You’re wandering off topic again. You need to tell me a secret.”
“Sorry. My bad... You love the taste of cum.”
“Hello? I get an orgasm every time someone cums in my mouth; of course I love the taste of cum you dimwit!”
“Yes, but you like it so much that you’ll seek it out—you love cleaning off a cum smeared cock after it has just cum in your cunt. And you’d happily lick out another girl’s cum-filled cunt.”
Whilst that is completely true, for the record I am strictly het - no lezzie tendencies here.”
“Absolutely—but you are also sufficiently confident with your own sexuality that experimenting would be great fun. Let’s face it: Great cunnilingus is great regardless of the gender of the cuntlicker. And it would be really erotic to use your own expertise on the female body to drive another girl to a shattering orgasm.”
“You modelled your narrative style on Ronnie Corbett, didn’t you? I’ve never met anyone with such a huge inability to stick to the subject.”
“Sorry, sorry. A secret. Hmm. You’d love to surf for porn regularly, but your ISP has some contractual clauses that rule it out. You’ve been meaning to ask me for ages if you can pop around to my place every now and then for internet-porn-fuelled masturbation sessions.”
“Now you come to mention it, that had slipped my mind yet again. Would you mind awfully...?”
“Not a problem—come round any time you like. I can always give you a good groping whilst you are getting off on the hugely sexy internet porn stars and studs.”
“You are just lovely. I am sooo lucky having a friend like you.”
“I don’t know. I think I’ve been letting you down.”
“Huh? Squeeze my nipples a bit more... Oh yes... Ahhh... Trust me—as long as you keep on doing that you’re not letting me down.”
“But I am. You’ve had a string of failed relationships that you only entered into for the sex. If it wasn’t for that you would have been far happier being single.”
“Painful but true. But what’s that got to do with you?”
“Well, if you’d had a stiff cock on tap outside of a relationship you wouldn’t have needed to put up with all those inadequate boyfriends.”
“I guess I could have gone for a series of one night stands... but-”
“But you’re not that sort of girl—you want someone you trust. The only person who fits the bill is me. You could have been sucking my dick ages ago if I’d just had the consideration to offer.”
“You have got a point there. You could have helped me avoid any number of shite boyfriends. You have been a bit of a letdown as a friend, haven’t you?”
“My only excuse is that I didn’t realise any of this until just now.”
“That’s a feeble excuse. You owe me big time.”
“I do. I want to make it up to you. Things will change from now on. If sucking my cock is going to keep you out of any more destructive relationships, then it’s yours whenever you want it.”
“Damn right! Now unzip your flies.”
“Uhhh...”
“Mmmm. You thtill owe me a thecret. Mffff...”
“Ohhh that’s good...You’ve always wanted to be able to deep throat, but never had the chance to practice until now.”
“Mfff...”
“You’ve... Uh.... always known .... you’d be a natural at it if you got ... a chance to try.. uhhhhhh.”
“Mwhwhff”
“Oh god you are a natural. Ohhh Goddddd..... By the time you get home after a day at work you are always so horny that you... uhhhh.... uhhhh.... you... you have a quick wank before you do anything else otherwise you.... Ohhhhhh... Ohhhhhh... you just can’t concentrate.....
“Mmmhwhwhwhw”
“Oh god... I’m coming ... uh... UHRRGGGGGGHHHHH”
“MMMWWHFHFHFHFHFHWHWW!”
“Ahhhhh. That was awesome.”
“Mffh. You have yummy cum. I have sooo been missing out all these years. Now I’m going to stretch out on the floor, and you’re going to -at last—succeed in telling me a secret. Don’t look at me like that; post orgasmic bliss is no excuse for failure.”
“Uhhhhh. Ok. You usually have multiple orgasms.”
“Very true—in fact on that very subject you can put your hand to good use whilst you try and dig out an actual secret. Just there. No - two fingers is plenty. And rub just like that. Oh yes. That’s exactly what my cunt needs... yessssssss.”
“Christ you have a great body and you look awesome when you’re masturbating. I’m a lucky friend to be able to help you when you’re in the mood. Which is pretty much all the time. I don’t think there’s any situation which you wouldn’t view as improved by some form of stimulation—like a couple of fingers up your gash or a nice stiff cock in your arse. In fact you could be having a blazing row with me and you’d still happily interrupt it for a mouthful of my cock.”
“ ‘Up my Gash’? Your language is really in the gutter today.”
“Love tunnel, fucktube, beef curtains. I know the dirtier the language the more you like it”
“Whatever. Just keep that hand moving and tell me this fucking secret already!”
“OK. Now that I’m finally acting like a proper friend you want it to be quite clear that if you sleep over—which is going to be quite a lot since you’re using me to fulfil all your carnal needs—the best way to wake you in the morning is by filling one of your holes.”
“Oh for crying out loud! If I want you to know that it can’t possibly be a secret. You really do leave your brain behind at work every day don’t you?”
“Sorry, sorry. I’ll try again. You are really looking forward to me having girlfriends—you know you’ll get off on watching me fuck other girls, and you’re going to love the threesomes.”
“Uhhh. Harder. Harder! Don’t stop—yesyesyesyes. Uhhhh...”
“You need to buy a stash of sex toys to store here so you can keep your juicy cunt and cock-loving arse occupied if I’m busy or not in.”
“Put another finger in. I want to be filled. That’s it; that’s it. Now faster -faster!”
“As long as you have me to satisfy your needs you don’t want a boyfriend. They wouldn’t be as satisfying and all they bring is complication.”
“Oh yes Oh yes oh yes yes yes yes YESSSSSSSSS.”
“It’s only my second time, but I can tell you right now that I really love watching you come; almost as much as you love me watching. You’ve just realised that every time I help you orgasm it deepens our friendship.
“Ohhhh I do love a good wank. I feel... great... Look! You’ve leaked a bit more cum. Give that to me—mmmmmmph.. Oh Goddddd—had a mini one just from that. Hmmm you’re getting hard again. That dick is coming with me to the computer. I’ve got to go dildo and butt-plug shopping and I want my virgin arse to be impaled on your boner whilst I’m doing it. Talking of boners, when are you going to get a girlfriend? Are you interested in that blonde who waits at the café? I’d love to see her gash impaled on your cock. In fact I think if you do go out with her I’d have to invest in a camcorder so I could have that first fuck on replay at the touch of a button. Or maybe that Malaysian girl we met at film club the other night. She’d look fabulous with her lips wrapped round your shaft. No. I’ve got a better idea. How about whatshername—you know, the readhead who sometimes turns up on a Tuesday? I’d love to know if she dyes it or really has ginger pubes too—and I’ve always thought my tongue could bring her to a raging orgasm. Especially if her cunt was already filled with your gorgeous seed.”
“From the sounds of it I’m going to have to have several girlfriends.”
“Honey you are a genius—that’s the answer! Now sit down there and let me smear a some cunt juice on my rosebud to lubricate it a bit. Easy does it. Oh. Ohhhhh. Ohhh you are filling me. God that’s intense. It feels so deep. All the way in now. That’s it.”
“Your arse is so tight. It feels like you are clamped on to me. It’s not too much for you is it?”
“Too much? Sweetheart, this is too good to be true: I’m playing with my horny cunt, my arse is stuffed full of beautiful stiff fat cock and I’m shopping at the same time. This girl has gone to heaven.”
“You’ve waited long enough. Here’s the secret: It’s going to be heaven like this for the rest of your life! Now that’s a secret worth knowing!”