Return of the Armored Warrior
by J. Darksong
Ch.1
Cyclone jack, hallucinating hackThinks that Donna Reed eats dollar billsGoldfoot’s machine, creates another fiendSo beautiful, they make you... kill!
I couldn’t help but bop my head idly to the sounds of hard rock slamming into my hears through the helmet as I flew over the skies of River City. I was pumped! I’d wanted to come here for so long, and now, finally, I was actually here! Of course, it wasn’t all sunshine, roses, and lollipops. My mom was majorly pissed at me. And I had to keep my grades up—Mom had made it clear that if I started failing my classes she’d have me shipped back home to New York faster than I could blink. Still... I was actually here. River City. The city of heroes.
Crawl on me...Sink into me...Die for me—Living dead girl!Crawl on me...Sink into me...Die for me—Living dead girl
I’d actually done quite a bit of good in the week or so that I’d been here so far. Nothing major, just a few carjackings, a mugging or two, and saved a drunk driver who’d teetered off a mountain road from crashing to his death. All in all, a fine day’s work for Shining Paladin!
Blood on her skin!Dripping with sin!Do it again!Living dead girl!
Speaking of which... I glanced over at my helmet’s heads-up display flashed an alert. A small explosion had just detonated in the financial district, near the Third National Bank. And since it was way past closing hours, and fireworks were prohibited except on holidays by a city ordinance, I decided to check it out, zipping quickly across the sky—
BZZZZZZZT!! THOOOOMM!
—Only to get blasted out of the sky from behind! I yelped, flailing weakly as I tumbled end over end, to land hard against the roof of a nearby building.
Blood on her skinDripping with sinDo it againLiving dead girl!
I shut off Rob Zombie as I got back to my feet, shaking my head. Getting sucker punched from behind wasn’t exactly unheard of in this job. Getting blasted out of midair with no warning whatsoever? That was a bit new. I ran a quick scan of the area, but my armor lit up with alarms, and I shielded myself as another blast lit up the area, bombarding me with what appeared to be plasma energy. A few seconds later, my onboard computer located my attacker and zoomed in. It was... huh. Some guy in a weird bug-themed bodysuit, white with black spots. His helmet sported an antenna and two large golden colored compound eyes. Two very large moth-shaped wings fluttered behind him as he hovered in the air above me. And, more concerning, he clutched a shining silver gun in his left hand.
“So, Armor Man,” the bug man shouted, his digitized voice ringing out loudly, “we meet again! I was beginning to think the rumors that you had died or retired were actually true!” He laughed wickedly, taking aim with the gun again. “That would have been a pity... not being able to get my revenge on you!”
“H-hey!” I yelped, activating my jets, zipping out of the way of the blast. “Listen, Bug Boy... I hast no idea who thou might are, but thou hast the wrong personage! I am not Armor Man!” I struck a pose, planting my fists at my hips. “My name is Shining Pala—HHEEYY!” I yelped, forced to dodge again. “Dammit, dude. I’m trying to tell you, I’m NOT Armor Man!”
The bug guy scoffed. “Indeed, and there are SO MANY armor clad beings flying around in River City. Of course you’d say that, after being caught unaware and finding yourself at my mercy!”
Okay. I had to concede that he had a valid point. I mean, there were plenty of heroes with fancy suits and techno gadgets, but there were probably only three or four in the world with actual full-bodied suits of armor. Of which, I was one. Add in the fact that I was, technically, wearing one of Armor Man’s old suites that I’d... er... refurbished for my own needs... and yeah. I guess I could see the mistake.
Of course, just because he’d won the battle of semantics didn’t mean he would win THIS battle. As he took aim with his blaster again, I raised my arms, firing out a pulse of my own. Bug boy let out a cry as both of his wings took a hit, sending it spiraling back. Unfortunately, he didn’t go down, recovering in midair, zooming back up after me, firing all the while.
Down below, I spotted the bank robber that had first caught my attention leaving the bank, a large sack clutched tightly in his hands. Like my opponent, he was dressed up in a bright outlandish costume with an insect motif. Definitely not a coincidence. As I neared his location, he unfolded a pair of wings and took to the skies as well, moving to engage.
Great. And I forgot to bring a can of bug spray with me when I’d left home.
“Hahahahaha! Too slow, Armored Fool!” the first Bug Boy called out, nimbly dodging my photonic blasts, to the chagrin and frustration of my targeting systems. “You couldn’t catch a fly, let alone the dreaded Leopard Moth!”
“Yeah, yeah,” I muttered, bringing up a read shield as the second Bug Boy attacked from my six, pelting me with a series of mini bombs. “The only things I dread about this encounter are your pitiful taunts and attempts at villain banter. And again, I’m not Armor Man! The name is Shining Pala—uuuuggghnn!”
Goddammit, why the hell does everyone keep interrupting me when I try to say my name?!?
Apparently the insect-based duo was actually a trio. Struggling, I found myself tackled in midair by a third crazy bug-themed villain. They were coming out of the woodwork... er, pun intended. I managed to activate my armor’s electroplating, giving her a nasty shock, which persuaded her to let me go. Hovering, I took a moment to reassess the situation. It was now three-on-one. All three were a lot faster and more agile than I was, and while I doubted that could actually do much damage to my armor, I was really unable to hit a telling blow on them.
And, considering that the bank robber bug could have easily escaped with the money while his two friends kept me busy, I was pretty sure by now that robbery was only a side benefit—that their actual plan had been to draw me out to trap me and get their revenge.
Well, revenge against Armor Man, anyway. Not Shining Paladin.
“You okay, Dirt Dauber?” the second bug guy asked the newcomer.
“Yeah, I’m okay, Weevil,” he replied, shaking his hands lightly. “Just a little case of pins and needles. Now come on... let’s take this bastard out already! I’m itchin’ to rip open that tin can suit of his and get to the nice squishy meaty parts inside!”
I winced, not liking the sound of that. I needed to find a way to immobilize these guys, or at least distract them long enough to get off a clean hit. Hmmm... distraction... It was kind of cliche, but it had worked before, back in New York. It was definitely worth a try...
“Oh, I don’t believe you vile villains know what you are in for!” I replied, my confidence and swagger back. “You might have me outnumbered,” I said, as they all closed in from all sides, “but you shall never have me outsmarted. Light flares, activate!” I yelled, darkening my visor as my armor began radiating intense bright light in all directions. I’d been half tempted to yell out, ‘Solar Flare’ as I blinded them, but it would just be my luck to have Akira Toriyama be walking down on the street below and decide to sue me.
Still, the diversion worked. As all three villains shrieked and covered their eyes, I reacted, turning and firing stun blasts at all three of them from point-blank range. I caught them all as they fell, dropping them gently onto the roof of the bank building. “Hmmm... not bad,” I mused aloud as I began binding them all, placing enhanced strength cuffs on their wrists, one by one. “A moth, a weevil, and a dirt dauber. Quite a menagerie of insects I’ve managed to collect. Next time I go in for an upgrade, I’ll need to remember to install a giant net.”
“Oh? And who says they’ll BE a next time for you?”
I whirled around, surprised to see a woman, striding towards me. And, as luck would have it, she was also dressed up like a giant human insect, complete with antenna and wings. Scowling, I rose back to my feet, taking a moment to lock in on her with all of my weapons. “That’s close enough,” I said dramatically, holding up a hand. “I don’t know who thou art, fine lady, but though chivalrous I may be, the Shining Paladin allows no evil to walk around free, even the fairer sex! Surrender, or face the same fate as thy friends!”
The woman frowned, tilting her head to the side. “You talk funny,” she pointed out. “Even funnier than usual. And... ‘Shining Paladin’ you say? You’re NOT Armor Man, are you?”
“YES! FINALLY!” I said, momentarily dropping the olde English talk in my excitement. “I’ve been TRYING to tell your friends that, but they wouldn’t listen!” SLightly embarrassed, I composed myself. “Ahem. As I said, I am Shining Paladin. I hail from the far off city of New York, and hath traveled here to—”
“Yeah, um, don’t care,” the woman cut me off dismissively. “You’re not the one we were after, you just happened to be in the right place at the wrong time. Got it. So, be a good kid and free my three friends, and we’ll be on our way.”
I sighed inwardly. “I’m afraid I cannot do that,” I stated, placing my hands on my hips. “Mistaken identity aside, one of your friends attempted to abscond with a large amount of the city’s financial assets. He must pay for his transgression!”
The woman groaned softly, shaking her head. “Shining Paladin, was it? Do you know just how annoying you sound? Using ten dollar words and a bad British accent... it makes you sound like a buffoon.” I stiffened at that. “Seriously. If you wanted an archetype to try and emulate, why not go for the strong and silent type?”
“You... you... shut up!” I growled, raising my hands towards her. Unarmed or not, I was seriously considering stunning her and tying her up with her friends, if for no other reason than to have a reason to gag her.
“Me, on the other hand,” she continued on, heedless, “I have just the opposite issue. I’m a bit of a motormouth.” She took her hands, and clapped them together, grinning evilly at me. “For most people, it tends to get them into trouble. But me? Hehehe... running my mouth gets me out of trouble.” With that, she began rubbing her hands together, slowly at first, then steadily faster and faster. Before I could ask her what the hell she thought she was doing, she opened her mouth—
SKKKRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTCCCCHHHHHH!!!
“Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhh” I screamed as I was sent tumbling back, bombarded with a powerful sonic blast that lifted me clear off my feet. I didn’t need my armor’s onboard systems flashing red and squealing in my ear to tell me that I was in trouble. Hell, I was vibrating so hard it felt like I had been stuffed inside one of those paint mixing machines running at triple speed! My armor... my helmet display cracked, literally cracked, and all of my weapon systems went offline, shorting out under the onslaught. As I fell, slumping down to the ground, my armor sparking and shorting out, the seemingly innocent and helpless woman walked over to stare down at me.
“Yep. You’re definitely no Armor Man,” she replied solemnly, staring at me as my vision dimmed and black spots danced before my eyes. “Oh, but on that note, I never introduced myself either, did I? The name’s Cricket,” she said with a smirk. “I guess that’s pretty obvious about now. Anyway, hero... the only real question now is what to do with you. The way you’re sparking and sizzling, you sure won’t be putting up much of a fight.” Her expression darkened. “On the other hand, I can’t just leave you here to run off to your friend Armor Man and tell him that the Insect Society is after him.” She placed her hands together again. “I guess this just wasn’t your lucky day. Oh well... on the good side... you won’t have any more bad days after tonight...”
I groaned softly as she peered down, opening her mouth, preparing to blast me into a fine paste. She let out a loud scream—then screamed again, flailing wildly as she was flung hard across the room. My vision dimmed again, eyes fluttering. I was stunned, maybe even seriously hurt. At the very least, I had a concussion. And I was only a few seconds from going unconscious. All that, plus the fact that it was early late evening, with a crescent moon, and I had no idea what the hell I was seeing. A flash of red, and black, and the sounds of battle, of screaming... and my eyes finally slammed closed as I drifted off into the welcoming darkness.
But just for a second, before I faded, I would have sworn that the person who’d swooped in to save me, that battled Cricket away like a gnat... was a red-eyed, long-fanged, blood-sucking vampire...