I Have No Idea
by Redsliver
Chapter 21
* * *“Everyone else has arrived at dinner,” The nurse Rudy entered the labor room in proper medical get up. I was knelt over Mel. She was crossing over her twenty-seventh hour of labor. “They’re waiting for you.”
I brushed Mel’s hair and squeezed her wrist. He, I, threatened me that I wouldn’t have these moments. I’d burn out, stop existing, and he’d carry on in my corpse. I wouldn’t witness the firsts, the seconds, the eighty-eighths of any of my children. Was I just going to walk away from Mel? From the birth of Jacob Brian Tanner-Hess? Jacob for the twins’s father. She wanted it to go the other way, but I wasn’t naming my son (or daughter) BJ. The flash of memories were shocking. I had to force myself back to the present.
“Stay!” She pleaded. I looked to the doctor. She was tall Caribbean woman, fair skinned black with bright green eyes. She even had freckles. She had the confidence and care I was willing to entrust Mel to. I frowned.
“It could be hours yet,” the doctor explained. “Her last contractions were still thirty one minutes apart.”
“Stay!” Mel begged. “I need you to come back again.”
“I have to go or I’ll never be able to come back again,” I rubbed her cheek. We could see me smiling through my paper mask. She took a breath through her oxygen mask. “And I’m not going—”
“What?” Mel worried.
“Who do you want here?” I asked, terrified of the answer.
“I want you!” She growled.
“Me me? Or powerful heartless me?” I couldn’t make the words not sound like an accusation but I said them as calmly and softly as I could. I broke eye contact. I didn’t have to force her. Vanessa warned me that inflicting mind control during the heightened stress and hormones of birth had left Amanda scatterbrained for days.
“You’re never heartless!” Mel shook her head. “I need the man I fell in love with...”
“You have him,” I leaned forward and kissed her forehead. “It’s on me to make sure I take care of myself and recover.” I looked down her body. The medical team thought I had three heads. I looked back to Mel. “I have to go face myself. Do you want me to get Ellie to stay with you?”
“No,” Mel shook her head. “This isn’t a twin thing! I don’t want to be Mel and Ellie today! This is a Mel and Brian thing!”
“It really is.” I ran my hand over her belly and felt as the next contraction started to rock her. I reached for her hand. She grabbed me tight. I looked up at Rudy. I had to choose, what was more important? This one memory or all memories? Mel’s face stabbed into my soul. I sailed with her through the contraction. She breathed madly as it tapered off.
“Nurse, time?” The job of the medical team ignored our family drama. I admired the professionalism.
“Thirty six minutes between the last one.”
“That went up!” Mel snarled. I grinned. Even stressed Mel was less snappish than Rena had been. I wondered how many people got to see this many sides of women in this scenarios. I mean this many fathers. There were a lot of midwives and obstetricians out there. I stroked Mel’s bangs as she wheezed out a few happy breaths.
“I can meet our son today, or I can know our son for his whole life.” I told her. “I don’t want to leave you. I have to handle this or, as good as I got at becoming a father, I’m never going to be a good dad.“
“If you stay, you’ll remember. You remember when you’re treating it, not when you’re sick.” She said. She flinched as I scowled at that. She turned her face from mine. She’d have thrust her shoulder up and blocked me out if the medical team didn’t keep her in position. “Go, I know you have to.”
“If there’s anyone you need? I’ll send them as soon as I can.” I ran my fingers around her ear. My heart was breaking as I watched her.
“Just get back here.” She blubbered. I kissed her again. It would’ve been a peck on the forehead but she turned her her head back and grabbed my ear. She pulled her breathing mask away and demanded it on the lips. I left the surgical mask around my neck as I left this time. I sent back one warm smile and all of the love I could from the door. Mel gave me an OK sign. I waved and turned to leave. Rudy fell into step beside me.
“You’re my escort?” I asked.
“Absolutely,” She nodded, “It’s so nice not to be called a whore sometimes.”
“I meant you’re walking me to the Strip. Escorting me there.” I frowned. “You like being called a whore sometimes?”
“When your hair is being pulled and your ankles are handcuffed to the headboard over you? You kinda need to be called a whore.” She grinned.
“I never felt like I was a handcuffs kinda guy.” I said.
“You’re not. Larry does that though. Especially when he’s had a really good day.” I was not expecting Rudy to say the word good.
The Vietnamese girl at the clinic front desk waved as we hit the open doors. I stopped Rudy with a hand on her elbow.
“I’m going to walk myself, I think.” I decided.
“Do I go back to my shift? Vanessa’s waiting with the family.” She worried.
“What do you want to do?” I raised a smirk.
“I want to go to The Castle and be a guest.” She muttered, “Eat bad food, play stupid games, waterslides.”
“That’s your job then,” I rubbed her hair. “Go take care of Rudy.”
“Really? I can go—Oh,” She did smile, “I’m still going to be on the job if a client wants me. It’s still awesome but it isn’t the same.”
“Nope,” I shook my head. “The only person you have to answer to is Rudy. All the way until sunrise tomorrow if you’re up. If you crash, take as long and as late you sleep in.”
“Oh my God...” She went white and then she laughed and jumped. I was collided into a hug. “I don’t think anyone’s ever got a free run like that. Ever.”
“The point is its a resort that has to be sexy and it should be fun.” I pushed her to the waiting cart. “Go fun yourself.”
“You’re walking?” She worried. “No one ever walks.”
“Why not? This whole place is a paradise.” I said and started down the path along the edge. Her cart trundled by me. I picked up the pace into a light jog. I was still amazed at how strong I felt. How easy it was to move. How could I have let myself get chubby and lazy? It was never happening again.
Twice, carts rolled up to me and asked if I wanted a ride down. The jog was only long enough to last six minutes uninterrupted. I told the first girl no. The second cart held my Valkyrie and Nastya. I shook my head and ran into the Strip’s intersection. We were dozen of feet away by the time they arrived for me.
They were dressed for the strip. Nastya in a sleek blue dress down to her diamond strapped stilettos. The Valkyrie wore a red corset over a little black dress. It was nice, striking, elegant, and both were there to give way to me. I got excited by both girls but I didn’t trust myself. Sending friendly faces with eager libidos, it had to be the best trick to get me to burn out.
I crossed by the fountain. There was a redheadl with a green mermaid tail relaxing in the evening sun. I would’ve stopped had I not been paranoid. I shook my head and ran up the steps to Chez Shan-Marie.
A dark haired woman with fair skin and over red lips came to me at the doors in.
“Bonsoir, Maitre.” She looked me up and down. “This is a black tie establishment. Do you want me to call a suit for you?”
“That’s unnecess—” A flash of data. Images of the girl in front of me sweaty, red, and semen stained. She played Snow White at the Globe. Her name never came to me. I was enamored with the image in my mind. The desire and glee in the blue eyes I had pictured were an artifact of the drug. She had left behind one monogamous boyfriend after being ethically recruited. Her personality test warned she had not been built for this but that she would recover and carry her memories well. I shook my head. “Of course. And send it up to the banquet room.”
“If you must, may I direct you around the bar and up the server’s stairs?” She worried. “We do not wish to ruin the experience for your guests.”
I nodded and she walked me out the main doors and down the front steps to enter through the bay doors where the food was delivered and distributed through the handful fo restaurants in the tower. Lots of servers and cooks were moving with speed. I’d turn my eyes on a face and need to stop. I was flickering with every heartbeat of eye contact I made.
There was nothing substantial. I was hit with random ideas or data points. Dakota, she was waving to show that I was excited to see her. She was wielding her closeness to me and my father against the other girls. Pilar, she needed to be let go from The Globe because she couldn’t maintain a role play through orgasm or anal sex. Traci, should have been gone by my second white in, but because she was the first girl my undrugged mind had seen she was kept around to play me.
I took off running and knew which stairs I needed to take. Snow White smiled and followed at a measured pace. I stormed through Chez’s prep station. I tried not to meet anyone’s eyes. I couldn’t help meet one pair. Jade was to be our server tonight. She was a lithe little Asian girl. Born in California to mixed race dad and a Vietnamese mother, her dark skin and almond eyes were more than a little striking.
She had been one of the girls I had seen that first white-in with Larry in bed. An acceptable whore on an island swarming with phenomenal whores. After five months she hadn’t attracted a single guest for a second time. By three months in, almost every whore had made some impression on somebody that they had spent a whole weekend on one arm and in one bed. She should have been on the next plane out. The perfect misfire to gift to Larry.
My guts seized. Knowing I had snagged Shani out of his arms wrecked me. My memory flooded. Shani was for Shani. I loved her. Larry loved her. She was family and in my drug fueled hubris I had to commit to that. Larry was family. Larry was my brother. I couldn’t only take from him.
But we were brothers. We fight like brothers. And with the help of the mind clarifying and focusing drug, I remembered all of the childish feuds and conflicts with the focused vengeance of sisters. Fights and bullyings that had lasted minutes and were forgiven in hours were open and fresh wounds with that drug in me. I’m not going to leave you alone, Larry! Here, have Jade, no one else wants her, she’s perfect for you.
I staggered around Jade. Snow White had caught up behind me. I pushed her helping hand off my wrist. I shook my head with a smile. I couldn’t even reject the attention of a pretty face and stellar body without making sure she knew it was about me and not her.
“I’ll be right back with your suit and tailor.” She took the dismissal without missing a beat. I shook my head and left the prep room. I didn’t see any faces until I put myself into our private dining room.
“Brian?” Larry was waiting looking like James Bond. Full on tuxedo and a beautiful girl on his arm. The beer was no vodka martini but that wouldn’t be Larry. “I wish I had you’re clout. God, they turned me away when I came in looking like I had staggered drunkenly off the beach. You want a Sam Adams? I made them drop off an ice bucket with a six pack. It’s the best I could do and not be ruled by the monkey suit.”
Dad sat with Olivia. I grabbed my brother, pushing the girl away. His arm candy reminded me of that first morning. The latina opposite the topless blonde. Marina Rios, twenty one, Columbian national, recovered cocaine addict. I blinked. She returned and tried to put a beer in the hand I wrapped around Larry.
“Whoa! Brian?” He asked as I squeezed the hug more strongly.
“I am so sorry.” I wheezed.
“For what?” He shook his head. “Rena was right about his state dad.”
“And Shani was wrong,” Olivia agreed. “Let go of your brother and sit down before the girls get back from the restroom.
“Marina, go take the night off.” I let go of my brother and took the beer. She had opened it. I drank half the bottle as I entered the booth and sat down.
“What does that mean?” She worried. Larry shrugged and escorted her out the door.
“How do I stop me when this White-in ends?” I landed, put the beer down on the table and looked across at my dad and his wife. They’re bench was an extra distance from the table to handle her small baby bump. They looked at each other. They looked coldly at me.
“Where did you hear that term?” Dad asked. Larry dropped in beside him.
“What? It’s the opposite of a blackout. I’ve been doing that for months now.” Though it hardly even felt like I had slept in between. I felt like I had been awake for three days but was as peppy as if I had drank a second pot of coffee.
“But you haven’t used the term.” Dad said.
“Parallel thinking, he did come up with it.” Larry pointed out.
“Come up with what?” Ellie asked as she, Rena, and Shani entered the room. I was told Vanessa was here as well.
“White-in,” I answered. I froze. Shani hadn’t known.
“How is Mel? I tried visiting but she was very adamant that she wanted her baby ‘Not to be a fucking twin thing’.” Ellie waddled over and pushe my hip down to the edge of the bench. Shani sidled in after and Rena sat next to Larry. Rena and Shani immediately grabbed beers.
“She’s still going.” I frowned. “Why’d white-in remind you of her?”
“It was her word. Once she abandoned The Globe she was all about nesting with you.” Ellie rubbed my arm. “And making her own space clear from mine.”
“Oh,” I nodded. “So—”
“Wait? Who are you then?” Olivia frowned. She lunged across the table and took my hand around my beer.
“I’m me, but I’ve been getting memories. I’d see someone like Jade or Rudy and I’d get flashes about who they were or something I’d done.” I took a deep breath.
“I thought this wasn’t supposed to happen.” Shani said with fear in her voice. “You were supposed to just stay strong and leave this white-in part of you behind.”
“He’s not strong, he’s just fearless.” Dad rejected the idea.
“And petty I think.” I nodded.
“You were always petty.” Shani and Larry said in unison.
“He was?” Rena shook her head. “He seemed completely muck proof back when we were just working together.”
“Maybe he didn’t care about you then?” Shani threw in her face.
“Actually, she was the only person at work I think I did care for,” I replied. “I hated the job though and didn’t want to be invested in anything there. Still, you’d make it known when I was being a fuck up and that made me want to do better.”
“Well, wow, I didn’t know I was worth impressing,” Rena frowned. She looked over at Garth and Olivia. “Was he petty?”
“I think spiteful was better.” Dad looked at me with a smile. “He kinda idolized Larry and so when Larry was keen on ditching him for older friends or just took the teasing too far, Brian had to stew for a few hours on revenge. A couple of times I got warned about his doodles in his fifth grade notebooks.”
“Mrs Haidt was a busybody.” I agreed. “So, would I be this petty to me. This spiteful.”
“You’ve been nothing but,” Ellie said. “It makes me want to slap the stupid out of you. Then you calm me down by rubbing my feet.”
“Yeah, I must admit that’s a stupid way to go,” Larry shook his head, “Reinforcing her getting mad at you with a foot rub she brags about for a few days. I’m amazed you’re not a ball of flaming rage all of the time Ellie.”
“I think locking you in an empty white room for the rest of your expected life is a few steps beyond spiteful,” Rena said.
“It was necessary, you’re not able to provide for and to focus on all of us when you’re not focused like that.” Shani worried. “I love you Brian. But at your best.”
“You don’t love anyone if you don’t love them at their worst,” Larry said. Shani lowered her head. I frowned.
“What’s wrong with you two?” I asked.
“You didn’t remember that?” Dad asked. He frowned. “Shani was talking to a lawyer about a divorce. That’s why we got caught up in all of this. You weren’t willing to let her go.”
“You guys were falling apart?” I couldn’t believe it. “You guys had everything I ever wanted.”
“Not what I wanted,” Shani said. “I was never going to be a mom and Larry was changing his mind as he got older and older. If I didn’t leave, he would never have been the dad he wanted to be.”
“You are a mom.”
“And it was the best thing that ever happened to me.” She said.
“Master Tanner,” Snow White knocked on the door and wheeled in a tray of drinks. “Your suit has arrived.” Bethany followed in behind the waitress with a plastic bag. Vanessa and Amanda were with them. I looked over them and then at all of the people at the table. I frowned.
“I need to beat him.” I said. “I can’t give any of you up.”
“You can’t beat him though,” Shani shrugged. “Everything you do, he knows. Anything you can get out of so can he. Why not be your best self? Why not be one man?”
“Because he’s better than a heartless thug,” My dad declared.
“And I don’t think our daughters will be safe from him when they’re older.” Amanda said. “If he can’t fail and feel the way he does. If he’s never weak, how will he tolerate weakness.”
“He demands the best of us and we give it to him,” Shani declared. “I’m not treating him with any less respect than he had given all of us.”
“I don’t want anyone but who he is right now,” Ellie said. “So fuck you, Shani. How do we fix you Brian?”
“Sir, your suit?” Snow White said. “I don’t want to but you said that you had to be held to the same standards as all of the other guests. Please, it is—”
I turned and glared at the interruption. She went pale and she was already quite fair. “Get out. Go, handle the rest of your job and leave us to us.”
Bethany dropped the suit. Snow White turned on the heel. Larry grabbed Shani’s wrist and held her down at the table. The other two left. I closed my eyes. I took a deep breath.
“I have an idea.” Olivia sipped her club soda. She frowned as she put it back down. “We take you out of it.”
“We can’t just put him in a medical coma for eighteen months,” Amanda said.
“We have the facilities to try that,” Vanessa shrugged.
“Why not?” I asked. “I mean, if that’s what it takes. I’d handle it.”
“You have excess drug in your muscle fibers and white matter. In a coma you’d atrophy and release the muscle drug and reinforce your blackouts. We wouldn’t be able to predict the outcomes.”
“OK, so lock me a room without a way out and you can monitor whatever you’d monitor from outside and when I’m done let me out.”
“That’s not good enough.” Larry said. “It was one thing if you were going to reinforce the drug with doses when you were low. One food delivery and you’d mind force your way free.”
“We could do it remotely,” I pointed out.
“There’s also a reason we put the video on a loop.” Shani said. “You’re power works remotely or from a recording. As long as they can see your eyes.”
“Blind girls.” Ellie suggested.
“Without redosing, he’ll be blacked out again by two this morning,” Vanessa declared. “We don’t have time to hire and ship out blind people, let alone vet them for the project.”
“I’m also a billionaire. I’m pretty sure we couldn’t hire someone who couldn’t be bought to let me out.” I slammed my head into my hands. “I can’t think of a way to outthink me.”
“I think that’s true for everyone,” Dad worried.
“But, I come up with better ideas and make the same dumb mistakes over and over again,” Ellie said. “You absolutely can.”
“I’m glad you believe in me,” I smiled.
“Well, anything for you,” She beamed.
“If we’re going to lose, why not make the best of things,” Shani asked again.
“I’m not giving up,” I explained. “OK, so what’s do I have to take care of first.”
“Obviously, you sent our waitress away,” Olivia sighed. “Damn, I am hungry.”
“I wish I could appreciate the joke,” I smiled up at her. She smiled back. Her braces were gone and her smile was radiant. “I’ve got hours, according to Amanda. I’m not sure I can waste time with dinner.”
“Oh, the beat your evil self thing? Your Dad and I got it covered.” She said.
“We do?” Dad worried.
“Of course we do,” Olivia’s brightness started to infect me as well. “You might as well put the suit on though. Otherwise you will have to deal with more nagging when you go out and replace my waitress.”
* * *