I Have No Idea
Chapter 11
by Redsliver
* * *Olivia’s arm was around my waist. Her thigh was rubbing warmly against mine. Her head spent about as much time on my shoulder as it did thrown back in laughter. I watched my dad.
I loved my dad. I supposed that’s not uncommon. I always wanted to do what he did. I wanted to live up to what I thought my dad was. Someone who kept putting in the time even after he was exhausted. Carrying us, mom, the house, his own problems, on his shoulders with nothing short of a smile. It’s why I had loved Olivia from day one. Any burden off his shoulders was a Godsend. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how to shoulder any of it myself. I hoped that man was still there as he snuggled up against Rena and played the incredible flirt. Mel arrived with Larry, bringing our table to eight. This was my family and I had no fucking clue who Amanda was.
“Two Sam Adams,” Larry demanded of the the hostess who sat with him.
“Make it three,” Shani said before flaring red. She put her hand on her distended belly. “Right… I’ll stick to,” she sighed at her bubbling flute, “the sparkling cider.”
“Missing out on the old habits, eh?” My dad teased her. “Do you remember that weekend in Montreal? We’d lost Brian three times that Saturday night.”
“I think it was more Brian trying to lose us.” She laughed. “I was so mad at him for wanting to take me along to the strip club.”
“I wanted to take Larry and to a lesser extent dad.” I smiled. “I wasn’t going to leave you out.”
“Strippers have never been my cup of tea.” Shani laughed.
“That was the old Shani, but now look at you! Amazing what you can get used to.” Larry gave her a cutting grin. He looked me in the eye. “I want you to acquisition me a classy broad. Someone famous.”
“What?” I frowned. “I don’t—I was told our army was all volunteer...” I referenced the girl who was setting down two tall glasses for my brother and me. She flashed an affirmative smile.
“I’ve always liked the term ethically recruited.” Olivia rubbed my leg. “Sure there’s lots of volunteers. Most of your 18 year olds are just such entitled twats looking to gold dig into some rich man’s pocket. Hell, some of them are smug enough to think this cartoon of a theme park is what being rich is all about. The kind of girl who signs up for Fuck Island? Not the kind I’d want attached to my boys.”
“Is she talking about us?” Ellie worried.
“No,” Mel scoffed.
“Damned right, she ain’t!” My dad grinned. “My Livvie’s the best judge of women I’d ever met. And if anyone didn’t love you little shits, they’d be complete twits.”
“I love you, Daddy!” Mel had the sourest look on her face when she kissed my dad on his cheek. She pulled away with a giddy smirk. Dad was grinning like the proverbial canary genociding cat.
“Ethically recruited?” What does that mean? I hoped the table heard the question, even if I hadn’t asked it.
“There’s the military contract, taking benefit seeking harpies off of the hands of dumb teenaged servicemen thinking they’re in love. Giving the boys back devoted wives or a clean break, whatever’s best for the both of them.” Rena suggested first. “We also help girls out of very bad places and away from very bad people. It’s quite exciting and sometimes rewarding.”
“Then there’s the business deals.” Shani sighed. I turned and waited. She took put down her empty glass. “Getting here, in two years. You made a lot of friends…” That was a dark euphemism if I ever heard one. “Many of those friends wanted to show you their esteem, and their gratitude.”
“Others felt they deserved to call in personal favors.” Amanda pointed out.
“Oh God!” I moaned. “I traded in slaves to get here?”
“Well, slaves is an overstatement,” Mel suggested. “You never made someone say yes when they wanted to say no or simply just ignored the whole question of consent. They all want to say yes to you and to your friends.”
“Fuck…” I frowned. “How do I live with this?”
“The Castle helps.” Rena quipped. I needed that. “Besides, if those friends of yours, weren’t the kind of people who’d take care of your gifts, they weren’t getting shit.”
“Debauchery is good, but not for meanies.” Larry sniped. I looked him over. He looked impatient. I wanted the anger to be real. I took his wife; he presented like he was itching for the opportunity to get a knife in my back. That wasn’t it. I could tell there was some sort of closure between Shani and Larry. Dad knew it too. I considered him for a few moments. Maybe, Amanda had something to add but it was easy to ignore her.
“So, someone famous?” I said to Larry. He was putting down his empty glass. I took two large mouthfuls to keep up.
“This is what I’ve been missing,” Shani announced in self-effacing mockery. I turned and decided I also wanted to play with a bit of sarcasm. What’s the point of having a brother if you don’t tear him down at every opportunity?
“You want me to get you someone sexy like... Who’s that guy you we’re always weak in the knees for, Shani? Professor Snape. Alan Rickman!” I laughed to a cold table.
“He’s dead.” Larry replied.
“Well shit.” I grumbled.
“He’d want the new Wonder Woman anyhow. It’d be a stupid move in any case.” Olivia replied. “Whoever you get him, even if you realized his high school crush on Gillian Anderson, the novelty’ll burn off in moments. Don’t let him cause worse problems if you’re just going to underwhelm him anyway.”
“Yeah, you can’t trade up from Shani.” I understood. Also reminding myself to see Wonder Woman, and there was Justice League as well. I hoped they had learned their lessons from Superman v. Batman. Plus all of the Marvel movies I’d missed! And Game of Thrones! God, I hoped Jon Snow was still dead.
“Turns out it’s easier than I would’ve thought.” Larry waved his empty glass to the waitress. I wanted to rise up to the slight against Shani. I didn’t, even before she put her hand on my arm to stop me. I looked to Larry. I looked to Olivia. I looked to Dad.
“I wouldn’t worry about what he wants in a woman.” Dad told me. I nodded. There were woman to be had, explored, and measured. Larry was more than willing to dive into that study himself. What was I missing? How could that help me grok what my brother was going through?
“What do we want? As a family?” I asked.
“This again?” Dad chuckled. “You got enough practice, Livvie, you want to go first?”
“No, these next three days are my most fertile, I’m sure he can fit the pieces together.” She rubbed my arm. I got chills and set my jaw.
“Can I answer the question?” Mel asked.
“Yes, let’s start with the airing of grievances and move onto the wrestling matches. Do we still have that eleven foot aluminum pole?” Larry smirked.
“I’m sure I can find one,” Our hostess laid down another Sam Adams for my brother and me.
“He’s being sarcastic,” Shani assured her.
“The chef wanted me to assure you all the food will be out in five minutes.” She said not missing a beat. Her eyes flickered to all of the drinks on the table. She would return with my father’s refill in a heartbeat.
“We didn’t order—” I laughed at myself. “I take it my tastes are known.”
“Yep, Kraft Macaroni and Cheese with hot dogs cut up in them. Oh and chicken fingers shaped like dinosaurs.” Shani laughed.
“Just put my beer in a sippy cup and I’ll die happy.” I could see Mel chewing on her lip and so smiled. “Alright, Mel you’re first.”
“Really?” She lit up. “I’m going to be a mom, obviously, but I don’t want to just be a family woman. I want to be a career woman too, like Amanda.”
“Jesus! That is not like me at all. I want to take every Goddamned millisecond of pregnancy leave!” Amanda countered.
“What do you want to do, Mel? How can I help?” I smiled and encouraged her to speak.
“I want to direct. Even if all I ever show off is the kind of porn we do here. I’ve been running the Globe for a year now, but as soon as I get an actress to fit the role, she’s gone home and I’m stuck looking for a new Princess Leia.” She ran her hands around in circles. “Do you know how many actresses can deliver ‘You’re a little short for a stormtrooper?’ with a dick in her ass and make you believe it?”
“11.” Answered Larry with a smile.
“Why not offer the actress the second stint?” I looked around. Larry snorted. “There is the option of an extended contract, yeah?”
“Dude, I can’t even keep Anh around if you don’t make the offer.” My brother scowled.
“Why not?” I scanned the room, Rena smiled.
“Well, one time, your Dad wanted to keep a Colombian girl here, but she didn’t get on with me. So you booted her.” Rena shrugged. “Ask Shani about Anh, see if you want to keep her around for Larry.”
“Um, OK, but—”
“Idiot,” Shani tried to smile for me. “I don’t dislike Anh, she’s just not good enough for Larry. Every time I set him up with someone good though, he tosses her aside.”
“I want a wedding.” Ellie piped up. She almost slumped but then raised her shoulders and chin as if she had been balancing books on her head in princess training for decades. She had by the way. She and Mel used to compete when they were nine and ten. Her father had to stop them because it had resulted in the worst of their sibling fights. “Big dress, priest, Dad giving me away, flowers, Mel crying her mascara everywhere. All of it.”
“Um...”
“You’re only going to be legally able to give that to one of us.” Rena pointed out. “Might as well be Ellie. Shani and Olivia are technically still married. I’d never imagined I’d be the one in white when I got hitched.”
“OK, but—”
“I was waiting until you were awake. I was going to ask you when I had my first drink with you!” Ellie scrunched her lips in confusion but her eyes were still fire. “Then I got stupid and competitive with Mel. Still, I want to do it before my baby is born. Before I start to show would be nice.”
“I’ll wait until I have my body back thanks.” Mel countered. I must’ve looked confused. “She doesn’t see herself as your only wife. She’s not stupid. Besides, I like weddings, why not have a bunch?”
“I think we should build a Tanner only home on the island. No servants, no cooks, no sluts just us.” Amanda announced.
“I don’t want to raise kids on Fuck Island.” Rena laughed.
“Why not? There’s infinite babysitters.” Shani joked.
“We have other properties,” Larry scoffed. “The schools we could afford in England and Switzerland will be good.”
“They’re all boarding schools.” Shani rubbed her belly. “I doubt I’ll be ready to leave my kid for months at a time when he’s that young.” I had no idea how young she was talking about.
I had been hoping Larry would have answered. I wanted to get inside of his head. I noticed the plot had been lost. I reclined, as did Dad and Olivia. She laid her head on my shoulder. Somehow, despite the closeness of the table and the unguarded volume of her words, I’m certain it was only the three of us aware of Olivia’s suggestion. “Tell us what you want.”
I stopped. I was still listening to Shani and Amanda debating schools across the world. Ellie vs Mel on domestic vs career wifeliness. Rena ricocheted like a pinball, taking part in both conversations. Larry downed his Sam Adams and I followed his example. I took a deep breath.
“Family, Freedom, and Fuck Island.” I said quieting the table. Four waitresses appeared, two on either side, distributing plates of steaming and tantalizing dishes. Mel’s was some stinky salad. Ellie lit up for her overly coated honey garlic ribs. Amanda had some sort of chicken salad that was more chicken than salad. Olivia thanked the waitress for her salmon over rice with a lemony side salad. Rena had some dish of chickpeas and rice that smelled the best of any. Larry had a big burger, huge burger, with mashed potatoes covered in gravy, and another big ass glass of Sam Adams. Dad, eyeing his wife’s fish with distaste and disgust, was given a thick steak with a side of bacon.
“Isn’t that bad for you heart?” I worried.
“Nope!” He grinned. The waitress reached across Olivia and laid the food in front of me. I was laughing madly. Dad put his drink back down and grumbled, “Actually, I’ll probably have to give up the drinking to really commit to the carnivore lifestyle. I’ll start tomorrow.”
The waitress smiled and came for me. There was a bowl of macaroni and cheese with bits of hot dog cut up in them. There was a side plate and on it were two brontosauruses and two t-rexes as chicken fingers and some sort of gourmet mustard to dip. I was handed a sippy cup.
“You are a treasure,” I smiled for the waitress.
“I know!” She beamed back and then left.
“This isn’t a joke?” I scoffed. “She’s not going to replace it with whatever I was supposed to get?”
“You’re the kind of asshole who wastes food now?” Larry snarked. Sarcasm was never apparent when it came from Larry. I almost blathered stupidly before the waitress came back.
“Yes.” I answered Larry’s question as a beautiful seafood fettuccine was laid out in front of me. Dad was also less than visibly enthused by my choice.
“Thank you, Master,” The waitress beamed, “For letting us have a little fun.”
“Leave the dinosaurs.” I told her as she took away the macaroni and cheese. She transferred the sippy cup to the a taller glass and returned my beer. I raised my glass. Only the men had alcohol, Olivia had switched to the same bubbly whatever the girls were drinking. I lifted my glass.
“Family, Freedom, Fuck Island.” I reiterated. The honest smiles this toast was getting were unnerving. Larry at least offered token opposition. “In family, I’ve always been a rich man, if I haven’t been an ambitious one. I was shit chatting up anyone, and I was quick to judge any woman against Shani and find them lacking. When Dad had found Livvie, I knew there were more women out there worth finding. I still wasn’t really looking. I knew she was out there though. Someone I’d want to live up to.”
I faltered for a moment. Ellie and Mel were wide-eyed and eager for more. I think Mel looked half-afraid, but her sister wasn’t yet nervous. That was not the way I had expected the apprehension to be distributed. I couldn’t read Amanda. She was unfamiliar. Rena sunk back and licked her lips.
“Freedom. I couldn’t tell you what that meant when this started. Knowing I can fly around the world at a whim is so far beyond going out for drinks without worrying about rent.” I frowned. “Money is freedom. That is bleak, isn’t it?”
I didn’t maintain that funk for long. Olivia ran her hand over my leg. Shani bumped my knee.
“Fuck Island. What the hell is wrong with me?” I asked with flair and a smile. “Sex slaves and whores and Goddamned waterslides.”
“You haven’t been to The Globe since yesterday.” Mel encouraged me. I smiled for her, so did Olivia. Mel felt, rightly, condescended to. I almost apologized.
“This whole island seems to have sprung from my twelve year old mind. I spend every moment expecting to feel ashamed. I try to, but with Shani and Dad supporting me, I feel vindicated. That terrifies me.”
“Hell of a toast, man!” Larry downed his beer. I sighed and we all took sips as well.
“To Family.” I tried again. “That’s all I need.”
“You’re damned right it is.” Dad put his empty glass down next to his food. “Now, take your mom dancing. Leave the girls to me.”
“No.” I said sadly. “I’m spending the rest of the night with Larry.”
“Ah, for fuck’s sake!” My brother groaned. “Yeah, I get it. Mom?”
“I didn’t want to take Valentine’s Day away from Ellie,” She leaned in and kissed my cheek. “I’ll be by first thing in the morning. Say, eleven am?”
“Aren’t we flying to Germany in three hours?” Amanda seemed shocked.
“He’s in no condition.” Rena shook her head at Amanda’s suggestion. “Besides, his VPs would be doing all the work anyways. They only need him when the free market needs a little mind control to help it along.”
“I’ll handle all of the contacts.” Rena promised me. “You go with your brother. Do what you need to do.”
“I don’t get a say, do I?” Larry looked at the next beer that was just delivered. “Well, I’d have said yes. Shani? I don’t you there when I drop his blacked out ass off later.”
“I’ll be with Olivia.” She promised. Olivia reached up and scratched the hair on the back of my head softly.
“This is the right move.” She told me. The smirk on her lips was as playful as any I had ever seen. “The only thing stopping me from tying you to a chair and forcing myself on you, is you doing the right thing.”
“Thank you,” I wanted to but I didn’t call her Mom. I was creeping myself out. I did kiss her, at her insistence it was on the lips. I couldn’t look Dad in the eye as I ate my t-rexes.
* * *