HOW TO GET RID OF YOUR FUCKIN’ WIFE
I ran into Vinny Cabreze the other day and I saw he had this young thing under his arm. I know the man’s wife and I knew that wasn’t her and I also knew what Gina would do if she ever caught the man with this girl.
“Vinny,” I said. “How’s it going?”
“Hey, Rico. Long time no see. What you been up to?”
“A bit of this and a bit of that,” I told him. I knew the man but I wasn’t going to tell him everything I was up to.
“I know what you mean,” the man said. “Things are hoppin’ and man, I got the Feds all over me, tryin’ to nail me on somethin’, anything.”
I shook my head. “Fuckin’ Feds. Need to mind their own damned business.”
Vinny just laughed at that. “Keepin’ track of guys like us is their business. It’s up to us to make sure that as far as they’re concerned, business is bad.” He gave the girl a pat on the rump. “I got to talk to Rico here,” he told the girl. “Why don’t you go wait for me in the bar.”
“Okay,” the girl said and off she went.
I watched the girl go and then I turned back to face the mafia boss. “So what’s with the girl,” I asked. “Are you nuts? Do you know what Gina would do if she caught you with her.”
Vinny just kind of looked at me all funny like. “It has been a while since we talked,” he said. “Gina and me, we ain’t together no more.”
“Really? What happened?”
“It must have come to a head, shit, must have been more than three months ago. I’d gotten sick and tired of Gina and her bellyachin’ but I’m stayin’ pat because that’s what you’re supposed to do. Know what I mean?”
I nodded.
“So anyway, Gina’s goin’ off on something. I can’t even remember what, but she’s got this thing goin’, know what I mean. I mean, she’s riding me, you know, yap, yap, yap, and I’m thinkin’ to myself, I gots to get rid of this woman.
“But I go to the church and I talk with Father Ramirez. He’s a good man but this time, he tells me in no certain terms that the church, it ain’t going to like it. I tell him, come on, there must be some kind of accomodation.
“But Ramirez, he holds firm. He says it’s between me and God but he says the church won’t sanction it.
“Well, I’m thinking fuck him. I’ll do whatever I want no matter what the priest says but then I start to think about it. Maybe the man’s right. A divorce would be messy and besides, I don’t want some damned court ordering me to give Gina all my money.
“So then I starts to think there’s got to be some way of getting rid of a wife without having to go through the church.
“I knew Bobby Vitale would do the job for me. Little cocksucker is always looking to impress and he’s got a thing for doin’ the ladies but the more I thought about it, the more I realized was that what I really wanted was for Gina to be gone, but I didn’t want her dead, and besides, I’d be the first one the cops would look at. Cops don’t bother me. I could handle them just fine, but still, I don’t need the fuckin’ hassle. Know what I mean?”
I nodded.
“So I figured what I really needed was to make Gina want to go away on her own. Know what I mean?”
Again, I nodded.
“Only trouble was, Gina wasn’t playing ball. She may be a fucking bitch but she ain’t stupid.” The mafia boss laughed just a bit. “Well, she wasn’t stupid. She knew when she had a good thing and she wasn’t about to give something like that up.”
“So what’d you do?”
“For a while there, didn’t seem to be much I could do. I mean, sure I could have done something, but between the church and the cops, one way or the other, there’d be hell to pay.
“But then Johnny Risolli, he comes up to me and he tells me he hears about my predicament and he says he might have a solution. You know Johnny Risolli, don’t you?”
The man thought about it. “Oh sure. Jimmy Risolli’s kid. Good guy.”
The mob boss laughed. “Yeah, good man. I’m going to have to give him something big for what he did for me. Anyway, he says he knows about my predicament, and I’m about to bust him out. I mean, hell, how the hell did he know what was going on between Gina and me. Someone must have been saying things they shouldn’t have and I intended to find out who.
“But then I look at the kid and I can tell he’s really earnest and that gets me to wondering. Just what the fuck does the kid think he can do for me.
“Turns out the kid’s been running a numbers racket and he’s got this guy into him big time. He’s knows he’s got to come down on the guy and make an example of him but the guy tries to work out a deal and it’s that deal that Johnny Risolli is bringing to me.
“Turns out the guy is some kind of big shot scientist. Not a shrink but does a lot of work on the head. He tells Johnny that with the proper treatment, he can make anyone do anything he wants.
“So Johnny tells me about this guy and all of the sudden, I’m seeing where Johnny is wanting to go. I tell Johnny to bring the guy around and we’ll see if he’s as good as he is.
“Johnny brings the man around. He’s kind of squirrelly and to tell the truth, I don’t like him, but he assures me he can do what he says he can. I’m wondering if I can trust this guy and finally, I decide to see if he can deliver or if he’s just blowing smoke. I tell Johnny to go and get my wife.
“Gina’s not all that happy at being interrupted. I know she’s holding back only because there’s people around but I can tell she’s going to go off on me as soon as everyone is gone and to tell the truth, I’m just fucking tired of it. I tell the guy to go ahead and show me what he can do.
“You know me. I am NOT a patient man so when this guy reaches into his pocket and takes out this shiny rock thing, I’m thinkin’ to myself this is a bunch of nuts and I’m thinkin’ to myself that somebody’s goin’ to have to go teachin’ Johnny Risolli a lesson, that it’s not nice to go wastin’ my time. You know what I mean?
“Anyway, this guy, he ain’t doin’ nothin’. He gives the rock thing to Gina to hold and he’s just talkin’ and Gina, she’s just standin’ there holdin’ this stupid rock. I don’t know. Maybe I should have known somethin’ was up because it wasn’t like Gina to go that long without opening her big, fat mouth but the bitch wasn’t saying anythin’. She was just standing there listenin’ to the guy talk.
“And it wasn’t like he was saying anything all that important either. He was just talkin’ and I was startin’ to get just a bit pissed off when I noticed something new. Gina was struggling to hold that rock.
“That’s when I realized what the man was sayin’ wasn’t just some bull shit words. There was a meaning behind it and somehow, it was affecting Gina.
“I kind of wondered why it wasn’t affecting me or my men and then I started to wonder if maybe this man was affecting us, too, but somehow, I thought not. Somehow, I thought it was only Gina.
“The man finally turns to me. She’s under, he says to me. What do you want me to make her do?
“I hadn’t thought that far ahead. Truth was I just wanted her out of my fuckin’ life, but now that I thought about it, I realized I wanted something more. There should be something, some kind of punishment, you know, for makin’ me have to do this to her. Somehow, I figured, Gina was going to have to pay.
“And that’s when it hit me. Don’t get me wrong. I got nothin’ wrong with women who like to have a drink every now and then but Gina, Gina just goes off on the stuff a little too much, so why not make the punishment fit the crime. I liked that. That seemed somehow ... I don’t know ... poetic. Know what I mean?”
“So what’d you do?”
“I told this guy to tell her that from now on, whenever she had any liquor, even one single drop, it was going to make her incredibly horny, and the more she had it, the hornier she was going to get.”
“That would do it.”
“You know the Manelli twins?”
“What ... oh yeah ... Vito and Little Frankie.”
“Yeah, that’s them.”
“So what of them?”
“Well, I got this great idea. I called up Vito and Little Frankie and I told them to get their asses over here.”
I smiled at that. When the boss says get your ass anywhere, you do what you’re told if you know what’s good for you.
“So, I tell them, this here’s my wife. I tell them, she wants to go out and have a good time. I tell them to go with her and take care of her and give her whatever she wants.”
I could see where this was going. “That’s cold, man. That’s cold.”
The boss smiled. “I know, but it was worth it to see them try to explain themselves when they brought her back.”
“So how’d it go?”
“They came up with some bull shit story but I was all over them. I knew they were lieing, but they weren’t about to tell me that they fucked the hell out of my wife even though I knew that was exactly what they’d done with her.”
“So did they own up to it?”
“Eventually. It took some prying to get it out of them. They took her to a bar, just like I knew they would, only it wasn’t one of them cheap ass places. Gina don’t go for that shit, or at least she didn’t, and of course, as soon as she got not even a full drink in her, she was all over those boys, just like the man said she’d be.
“You know the Manelli boys. They just can’t keep their dicks in their pants, just like their father, and if they don’t watch out, it’s going to get them in trouble, just like their father.
“Anyways, Gina’s all over those boys. She just can’t help herself, and the boys are doing their best not to fuck the boss’s wife but one thing leads to another and Gina ends up fucking the hell out of the both of them.
“By rights, I should have been mad at them. Hell, I should have taken the two of them out and had them whacked but since they were doing just what I wanted them to, I really couldn’t be all that mad at them. Still, I had to put on a good, fuckin’ show, so I made a good show of it, I told them if they ever fuckin’ touched my wife again, I was going to fuckin’ kill them. Know what I mean?”
“Yeah, boss.”
“Gina, of course, she don’t say nothin’ to me, liein’ bitch. She figures I don’t know, and she figures if I don’t know, she don’t have to fuckin’ tell me. Well, that just pisses me off. I mean, she’s supposed to be my fuckin’ wife, and she can’t tell me what she’s fuckin doin’? Come on.
“So I let it go. I give her every chance to come clean with me and she blows it. Every single fuckin’ time, she says nothin’.
“So I invites this guy over to my house. Works at the fuckin’ beauty parlor where my wife goes and I tell the guy what I want to do. The guy, he don’t want to do it and I don’t blame him. Gina can be a very vindictive woman if you know what I mean. But he also knows that sayin’ no to me ain’t a very good idea either, and given the choice of makin’ Gina angry or makin’ me angry, he makes the right decision.
“The next day, Gina comes home from the beauty parlor with fuckin’ blond hair. Gina hates blonds. Says blonds are bimbos. Says it makes them look like a bunch of fuckin’ whores, but now she’s one, too, and Gina is pissed. She’s blamin’ it all on this hair dresser guy and she’s telling me she wants him dead.
“Me, I just let her rant and then I tell her the truth. I tell her I know what she did with the Manelli twins. I tell her if she’s goin’ to act like a fuckin’ whore, she might as well as well fuckin’ look like one.
“Well, I can tell Gina is pretty well floored by that. I mean, I know she thought she hid it up pretty good and I could tell she thought I didn’t know, so all of the sudden, she gets all fuckin’ ashamed. She starts apologizing all over the place, tellin’ me how fuckin’ sorry she was and tellin’ me it wouldn’t ever fuckin’ happen again. Hell, she did such a fuckin’ good job of it that she almost had me believing her.
“So I had the fuckin’ Manelli twins come over the next day. I tell them I got a job for them to do. I tell them I want them to take my wife out again for drinks and I tell them, this time nothin’ better damned well happen and if it does, then the three of them better damned well hit the road because I don’t never want to see any of the three of them around here again.
“The boys don’t like it, I can tell, but I ain’t takin’ none of their shit. Just do it, I tell them, but if I find out you guys been fuckin’ her again, well shit, you guys might as well keep her with you because if I ever catch up with you guys again, it might go just a little bit better with you if I know you’ve been takin’ good care of her. Know what I mean?
“A word to the wise, I tell them. Best way to deal with Gina is to keep her drunk. You don’t want to deal with her when she’s sober and pissed. Drunk and dumb and all full of cum, that’s a hell of a lot better way to handle her.
“That was two months ago and I haven’t seen hide nor hair of the three of them, so yeah, I can fool around with any damned bimbo I want. Who knows, maybe I even will divorce Gina someday, but right now, I’m just happy with the way things are right now.”