Experiment: Positive reinforcement of activated neurons
“Okay, now this experiment is going to measure neuron response to memory. We’re going to have you try and remember specific memories and then record which neurons of yours are connected to those memories.”
“Um... what’s the IV for?” asked Karen as she looked somewhat nervously at the tubing and bags of fluid.
“Well, it’s a harmless chemical that helps the scanner track your responses. You might feel a little warmth, like a little hot flash, but that’s it.”
“Do you really need it? I’m not too good with needles.” It was obvious that the idea made her nervous. The cute brunette wouldn’t take her eyes off of the IV pole.
The doctor sat down on a stool next to the thin slab she laid on.
“It’s okay. Really. One quick little prick and that’s it.” He started the IV, eliciting a wince from her. “The worst is over. Relax.”
She gave a half-hearted nervous little laugh, using her free hand to wipe the cold sweat off of her forehead.
The lab-coated man quickly hooked up the medication to her IV, running it thru a drug pump while also starting a bag of normal IV fluid. As the IV fluid entered her body, Karen felt a strange sensation. A weirdly cold feeling traveled up her vein.
“Um... it feels cold, is that okay?”
“That’s perfectly normal. The IV fluid is room temperature and you’re almost 30 degrees warmer than that. I haven’t started the medication yet, but you shouldn’t notice anything different when I do.” he replied as he smiled down at her.
“Oh, one last thing,” he added... turning and picking up a set of large headphones off of a side table. “These will reduce the noise and let you hear my instructions”. He set them atop her ears and her world deafened. She could still hear her breathing and heartbeat, but they cut off exterior noise entirely. The doctor gave her a thumbs up and a smile which she hesitantly returned.
Karen tried to get comfortable on the narrow slab. Although a blanket covered her, it was thin and she only had a patient gown to otherwise provide warmth. She was chilled before, but now that she had that stupid IV trickling cold water into her, she felt even colder. She tried to think about how she was helping science and also earning quite a lot of money by participating in all this... but she couldn’t stop thinking that maybe she had made a mistake. They hadn’t said anything about IVs or medications. She thought they were just going to do some scans of her brain. Dammit. Her arm felt so cold. She wanted to hug it against herself, but she was scared to move it, not wanting to disturb the small needle stuck inside of her.
She felt her thin slab move, lifting up and sliding back as it started to move into the scanning machine.
Thank goodness she wasn’t claustrophobic. Granted, only her head was inside it, but it was less than an inch from her head in every direction. If she even tried to turn her head, her headphones would bump against the walls of the machine, emphasizing how close it all was to her.
“Okay. We’re going to start an initial scan now... just relax. I want you to pay attention to what I’m saying and try to picture what I ask for. Right now, we want you to try and empty your mind as much as you can so we can get as clear a slate as possible for the scan.”
“I want you to relax your body. Try and make your body as heavy and relaxed as you can.”
“Picture a black emptiness... like floating in space. Try and focus just on the blackness and keep repeating ‘empty’ to yourself.”
Karen tried, but it was harder than she thought. As she tried to empty her mind, new thoughts would intrude on her. She swore that she became even more acutely aware of the cold, of the IV stuck in her arm, and the machine pressing down upon her face.
“Okay. Good job!” replied the doctor’s voice pleasantly. “Now, we’re going to start try and have you concentrate on memories. I want you to think of Oprah.”
Karen thought about the television star. She never really watched Oprah’s show or had seen any of her movies. She decided to just concentrate on picturing the celebrity in her mind.
“Good! You’re doing fine. Now, I want you to think about Tony the Tiger.” She almost giggled. She guessed that they needed memories that everyone tested would share so television and commercial icons were appropriate. Still, it seemed rather silly to be scanning her brain for the image of a cartoon tiger.
The testing continued. The doctor had her picture numerous images. It was quickly becoming boring. Still, it was easy money, she thought.
There was a pause then and she almost thought they were done. Then, she heard his voice thru her headphones again.
“Karen, I want you to picture me. Focus on when you first saw me and what you remember about my appearance.”
She had met the doctor about two weeks before, when he was taking applications for research subjects. He about twice her age, so probably about, what? Forty? Definitely a geeky/nerd type. Overweight with thick glasses and balding on top. She bet that he probably never got many dates in high school, or anytime thereafter.
With her head stuck in the machine, she couldn’t see the medication pump activating and pushing a dose of the medication into her system.
What had he been wearing that day they met? A blue shirt and tie, a rumpled lab coat.... She felt warmer. Must be that medication he had mentioned. He did have a nice voice. As she thought about him, about the first time they met, she felt the warmth increasing and it was a very pleasant sensation. She really liked his voice she realized. She liked it a lot.
As she again thought back to when they first met, she felt, what? An excitement? He was really nice. Wait a minute. She realized that something was wrong. She felt almost like a giddy schoolgirl when she thought about him. She hadn’t felt anything like that before now. She pushed the mental image of him out of her mind and slowly the feeling faded.
“Um... doctor, are you... are you DOING anything to me right now?”
His answering voice sounded so good in her ears.
“Why do you ask? Are you experiencing anything?” It was reassuring, it’s cadence and rhythm sounding so, almost musical. She felt that feeling again, it was pleasure, it was excitement, it was....
Karen paused. What was she feeling? The sensation had already started to fade as she tried to concentrate on it, not realizing it started to slack the moment she stopped thinking about the doctor. Was it her imagination?
The large machine surrounding her head continued its constant scan.
“Karen?”
His voice hit her ears and neurons specific to him fired in her mind. The machine detected the activated neurons and immediately dispensed more of the short-acting chemical into her body.
God, she thought, he did have the most awesome voice. If only he was more handsome, she thought as she again pictured him in her mind. Unbeknown to her, the machine dispensed even a higher dose of medication into her.
Still, he wasn’t actually ugly. If he exercised and lost some of his weight, he would probably look pretty good. She wondered what he looked like under those clothes and felt her body respond in a way she had never experienced in her life.
She had been in love before, your typical high-school romance, and although it had ended amicably, she remembered how that crush felt and how it had swept her away at the time. That was nothing like what she was experiencing now. What she felt now was palpable, it was like a torrent of emotion sweeping her mind away. Had she fallen in love with the doctor? The moment she thought of him, she felt the sensations increase again.
She forced her mind away from him. The feelings subsided. Is he doing something to me? She tested the sensation. She tried to think of the doctor again, just wanting to give him a fleeting thought and again felt those emotions wash over her. She forced her mind away, but the feelings were so intense, so awesome to experience that a part of her longed to just think about him and dwell there in that haze of pleasure.
It was hard though. Have you ever tried to NOT think about something? In addition, she realized that a part of her longed to feel those sensations again. It felt so good and all it would take would be just a thought... just picturing him in her mind. She could feel that knowledge, that desire at the end of her consciousness, beckoning her.
She was going to have to stop all this. She started to move her arms. She was going to pull out that IV right now and get out of this room.
“Karen? Is everything okay?”
His voice again. When she heard it, she couldn’t help but think of him and the moment she did, she felt those feelings again, deeper and stronger, sweeping her away. She had never felt anything so strong, so pleasurable in all her life.
What was he doing to her? How was he doing it? She again tried to force him out of her mind, but it was so much harder. She wanted to feel those sensations again. Each time they hit her, she wanted to feel them for longer periods.
It was insidious. She wasn’t even aware that she had paused in her actions or that she was deliberating her actions. Her subconscious had started to betray her.
She started to think that maybe she was over-reacting. He was obviously a smart man with an incredible voice. He wasn’t exactly ugly. She could see herself falling for a guy like him. The feelings were growing inside of her again and it felt so good....
She stopped herself. None of what she just thought was true. She had thought he was ugly when they first met and hadn’t been interested in him at all... but the moment she even thought back to her initial thoughts of him, the machine registered the activated neurons associated to him and pushed more of the drug into her system.
Mentally, she tried to crawl out from the fog of pleasure and excitement. She was rationalizing her feelings. They were artificial, they had to be. She had never had anything like this happen to her in her life.
Maybe it’s love at first site? No! When she had first met him, she hadn’t felt anything like that. She wrenched her mind away from the memory before the sensations could overwhelm her again. She was arguing with herself, lying to herself, because a part of her wanted those feelings to overwhelm her, they just felt too good. Her own mind was working to betray her. She had to get out of here before it got worse.
She had to leave... but she hadn’t made any motions towards that yet. Why not? Because part of her mind wanted to convince her to stay just a little longer, enjoy those oh, so sweet feelings just a little more.
“Karen, are you doing okay?”
His voice again sent her mind diving back into those sensations, those emotions. Who cared if the feelings were false or not, they existed and they were the best things she ever felt in her entire life. She had passed the tipping point, more and more, with every second exposed to the drug... her mind was linking and strengthening the feelings of love and excitement to the neurons associated with the doctor. More than half of her had given in to the desire for these sensations and now they were dictating her actions. The side of her that reacted to emotion and pleasure was winning over her rational/logical side
“I... I feel fin...” She wanted to reassure him that she was doing okay. She wanted him to continue. What if these sensations were unintentional, would he stop the experiment? She couldn’t let him do that, not yet.
She felt the blanket on her move. She opened her eyes and looked down at her body. It was hard because her head was still unable to move, stuck inside the machine as it was. The doctor wasn’t at the monitoring station, he was standing there, next to her body, slowly pulling down the blanket that covered her.
A part of her was scared at that. Why was pulling down the blanket? She couldn’t think of a good reason for it, unless... maybe he was making her feel this way. Maybe she was being drugged and he was about to have his way with her.
However, even though a part of her was scared at that thought, a greater part of her relished the idea and started to attack her psyche with fantasies of him doing just that... and with each successful thought along those lines, the machine rewarded her with more doses of the drug.
She recognized what she was feeling, there was no doubt about it. She loved him... and loved him more than she had loved anyone else in her life. She thought about other loved ones, her parents, her first pet, her first schoolyard crush to compare against these strange new sensations... but each time, the emotions she was currently experiencing lessened when she took her mind away from the doctor. They only returned to their full force when she thought about Him and Him alone.
The machine continued strengthening the bond between her memories of the doctor and pure pleasure. The drug mimicked hormones like oxytocin, adrenalin, dopamine, and others. Even now, at this stage, should the drugs be shut off, her mind was irreversibly linking pleasure, love, excitement with the doctor. She would never look at him in a disdainful way again. A part of her would forever love him and need him... but still the machine continued, making the connections even stronger.
The blanket slid down her body as she watched. What was he doing? She should be scared. She should be fighting to leave. That wasn’t happening though. Instead, she was trying to dare not to hope that he would touch her. She loved him so much, she burned for his touch. Her body was so excited right now, it wanted him so badly, she thought she might climax if he did.
She could see her nipples sticking up from under her patient gown. It might have been the cold room, but she didn’t feel the chill anymore. She felt hot. As his hand approached one of her nipples, she felt her breathing picking up, panting. She could picture in her mind how it would feel if he touched it, if he rolled it between his fingers. She was so wet, all she could think of was of him touching her, taking her.
His hand was there, just suspended over her breast. With his other hand, he lifted a small microphone to his mouth.
“Karen, are you doing okay? You look a little flushed. I’m just going to feel your heart rate.”
It was so sweet of him to be concerned about her. Of course he wasn’t going to touch her breast, he wasn’t like that. But she wanted him to. She needed him to. As his hand descended down upon her chest, she turned her body on the table so his hand landed on her left nipple instead of over her heart.
She gasped, it was better than she even had dreamed. She could feel her uterus contracting, feel herself climaxing. She tried to calm her body, she didn’t want him to realize what she was feeling, it would be too embarrassing, but all the sensations were so strong, no matter how hard she tried to hide it, she was simply incapable. Her body trembled, her hands and feet curled in pleasure. She herself break out into a sweat as her face and chest flushed deep red.
The doctor watched her body carefully. When it was obvious that she was orgasming... and even earlier than anticipated. He pushed a button on a small remote, marking the event for future reference. He moved his hand off her nipple and over on top of where her heartbeat could be felt, ignoring how she had moved and where his hand had initially landed.
She couldn’t even think in the afterglow. She could only gaze at him and feel herself become lost in the emotions and sensations that her mind and body were swimming in. It was so luxurious. Part of her felt ashamed, embarrassed, but the feelings were just too good to dwell on such things.
The doctor deactivated the machine from his remote and pushed a button letting Karen’s slab be withdrawn from the scanner. He quickly and easily pulled out her IV, taping a little cotton ball over where it had been. She continued to stare up at him, her eyes wide and doe-like. They looked glassy and shiny, her pupils wide as she sought out his eyes. She looked docile, passive. She didn’t say anything or make any move, just gazed up at him. He took off her earphones.
“Karen, we’re done.”
She didn’t move. She gave a beautiful smile when he spoke, but that was it.
“Karen, we’re done. Get up and get changed... we’ll talk after you’re done changing.”
She shook her head for a second, trying to clear her mind... but the moment she looked back at him, she fell back into that doe-eyed, docile look. The sensations she had felt previously were still there, not as strong as when she was getting dosed with the drugs, but her brain had now permanently linked the neurons associated with the doctor to feelings of love.
“Go on” he said, giving her a little nudge. She got up, her face and body flushing in embarrassment as she realized how dopey she was acting. Her mind felt fried, it was so hard for her to concentrate. She felt stoned, drunk, weak-kneed, unable to maintain a train of thought. She walked over to her pile of clothes on wobbly-knees.
She picked them up clumsily and stumbled over to the dressing room. What had happened to her? She really didn’t care though. She just wanted more of it. She kept on thinking of the doctor, daydreaming and fantasizing about seducing him, about a future with him. She tried to plot out ways to achieve these new found dreams, but her mind just felt so foggy.
It was so hard to put her shoes on and tie them. She had tried almost four times to put her shoe on her right foot before she realized it was her left shoe. She giggled at herself, again blushing... and came out to see Him again.
“Are you feeling okay Karen? You were being awfully quiet during the test. W as it a little too claustrophobic for you?”
She could feel herself flush. How could she answer that question? She didn’t understand what had happened to her. It felt like a massive jumble of thoughts and feelings. She could barely remember what had happened and whenever she tried to organize her thoughts, she’d find herself falling back into delicious memories of the feelings and thoughts of the doctor. She had to push it all to the back of her mind so she could function.
“Um... I’m fine. Sorry.” she said quietly, her head bowed and almost whispering. “Do you need me to do it again? I’d be willing to do it again. I’d like to.”
“Well, actually... that would be great. Unfortunately, we don’t have it in our budget to pay for more sessions. Would you be willing to do it for free?”
“Oh yes!” She gushed. She felt herself quickly fantasizing about being able to spend more time with the doctor, of him possibly touching more than her nipple in the future.
She barely remembered leaving. She remembered leaving the building, feeling the sharp cold winter air hit her. She leaned against the building and ran one hand thru her hair. Wow. She still couldn’t process anything, but everything felt so good. She felt alive, she felt wonderful. Walking in a rather disjointed line, she made her way back to her dorm.
She didn’t run into her roommate, which was just as good, as she walked on autopilot to her room. She wouldn’t have been able to form any coherent sentences at this point. Everything was so gloriously beautiful. Life was wonderful.
Part of her would have loved to have just laid in bed and thought of her doctor, the fact that she didn’t even know his name didn’t even enter her mind. Instead, she found herself falling into a deep, deep sleep as her head hit the pillow... her brain desperately trying to process everything it it had experienced in the last hour and a half or so.